Money and marriage havoc

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Money and marriage havoc
4
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:10am
My husband and I argue over money issues. He makes twice as much as I do. I make about 22k a year. He pays the mortgage(1030.00) and the electric bill(260). I pay the phone bill(70), my car(350) cable(160), water(70), was paying the car insurance(170). He bought a new truck and it went up to 300 (which I did not know he was going to buy until he came home with it). Which I refuse to pay. I buy the groceries and try to buy the kids what they need. We argued over the insurance, had a bad fight. I refuse to pay it. At the end I am usually strapped for cash. I was doing the bills each month and I left it to him for 3 mos while I went out of state to care for his mother. He did not pay anything while I was gone and blamed it on me. Anyway, I feel he is the man and should have more responsibility. My idea is he is the man and wants a family he needs to take care of the family. He needs to help me more financially. Am I wrong? for many years I did not work and he footed it all. As soon as I started working he wanted me to help, I have no problem with helping. But I feel he needs to do more. We heep our monies seperate. When we did have an account together he made charges I was not aware of and we were always in the red. On top of that he did not usually put in his monthly amount. Another big fight about me spending all the money. Well it was my money in there because he put no money in. I had to get the statment and highlight his deposits in one color, mine in another, household bills in one and what I spent (via wal-mart...groceries and household stuff)in another. After that he did have an arguement. Please help me because right now I am feeling like I can do this alone without him after I did the math.
Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:49am
I feel for you & especially the kids. Your marital problems far exceed money. Clearly there is disregard (he came home with a new truck!), mistrust (separate accounts,who deposits what must be proved) & general disrespect.

Meanwhile the kids are watching all this & seeing how the parents treat each other & handle money. Too often they will then "model" these behaviors in their own adult lives. ..

None of this dysfunction developed overnight. Nor will it be "cured" quickly either. BOTH parties must be willing to work on it.I would suggest marital counseling *immediately*, if he won't go, go alone.

You may want to consider looking into *exactly* where he is spending his money if he is shorting the accounts-drugs, gambling, another woman? something else?

I'm sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:59am
Well, already established in the house that you've got, without any emergencies and with the status quo of maintained as it is - you probably could manage.

Could you manage to purchase a home of that magnitude with your credit, and pay the mortgage, the taxes, the insurance, he bills, and foot the maintainence bills - I don't know, you'd have to do the math.

Percentages are an excellent way to "manage" money - particularly when couples make extremely different amounts.

List the mortgage, monthly utilities and groceries(estimated generously), and whatever other monthly expenses are joint to "maintain the lifestyle that you've got".

Then contribute in equal percentages to a joint account - and pay the bills out of that.

And set up an account for "children's expenses" - school pictures, clothing, school events, etc. and contribute in equal percentage to that.

The rest each of you retain as your own - unless you contribute each on an equal percentage to a retirement fund, or to a savings funds that allows only for taxes/maintenance/insurance on the house/possessions.

And with what is your own - you save for vacations, for presents, pay your personal bills and credit cards and student loans, put gas in your own car, pay your own car insurance (if the cars are separately owned) and that way neither of you is every "footing the bills" for the other - and you each have personal savings and assets so that you never get to feeling "threatened" by life as a whole.

If at the end of the year you each want a vacation - and his income and his way of spending his funds have him with $30 and you with your style/income have you with $300 - I guess you have a decision to make. Do you combine your "vacation" funds and see hwere you can go for $330 - or do YOU personally get to take a cheap week in Mexico on your own - because YOU can afford it.

Take note...this system is designed to promote independence and equality while prioritizing the union and the partner appropriately - it is NOT designed, but it is easily used, to totally destroy the trust, security, emotional bond between two people. Money can do that......no matter how it is managed.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:19pm
Rent this movie and watch it with him:

The Joy Luck Club


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:56pm
I think the problems definitely go beyond money. Money is just where the problems show up.