money issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
money issue
20
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:34am
I don't know where to turn because my husband doesn't want me to ever talk about marriage issues with someone we both know and he knows all my friends. My husband is very concerned with money (obsessed, maybe?) He makes 6 figures. I work part time and make about 1/10th of what he makes. He has always been upset about the amount of money I spend, even though we have 4 children and the bulk of what I spend is on them - clothes, shoes, school supplies, toiletries, etc., always at discount stores or on clearance. I have asked repeatedly about him setting a budget, and the two visits we had with a counselor, he also said he should give me a budget, but he won't. Then he took my credit card away, which he paid, and said that I should pay for things with my paycheck. He said I wouldn't have to pay for gas, copays, groceries, meds, birthday gifts...just the "extras". Well, I have had to pay for all of it and now I am in serious debt. I know I just have to tell him and all that money he has saved will have to pay for what he hasn't paid for in these 7 months, but I know he will freak out. Also, our marriage has been in serious trouble anyway because while he has plenty to say to his friends, he rarely talks to me - and never a genuine converstation - just information sharing. I've had to go on meds for anxiety (a few yrs ago) and also have developed a stress-related heart problem requiring meds. Any advice on how to proceed? Thank you to anyone reading all this - I know it's long!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: lindaro07
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:32am

Welcome to the board lindaro07,


You need to talk to your husband and let him know that because he is making you pay for all these things he has caused you to go into debt. You really need to get him to talk to you about the money issue and work out a budget. I would also recommend going back to counseling or if he wouldn't do that than you go by yourself. It seems besides the money issue that the two of you also have communication problems. Since you have a stress related heart problem, you also need to find a way to relieve your stress before your problem gets worse. Try going for walks or working out, reading a book, or getting a massage.


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lindaro07
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:34am

It sounds to me as though you are in an abusive relationship. This has little to do with money, per se, but with punishment and control. He is unwilling to give to you appopriately and meet his responsibilities. It is unfair to have you pay from you pay check while he saves. It's actually cruel. The money both of you make belongs to the entire family. Also the fact that he is so withdrawn with you, shows that he has many feelings that he is not dealing with...instead he wants to withold from you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:04pm

Welcome to the board lindaro07,


I think you should stop buying everything that puts you into debt and start telling him what you need to purchase.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: lindaro07
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:50pm
This is about abuse and control and it is affecting your health and will affect your children's well-being. Has he always been so controlling? Go back to counseling and figure out how to handle him and take care of yourself. This is not about you not taking good care of him but his dysfunctional controlling ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 10:30pm
Hmm - I thought I'd posted a reply earlier, but I think it got lost in cyberspace. Anyway, my husband is due home from a business trip tonight and I plan to present him with an itemization of the things he said he would pay for and ask him for the money. Granted, I will still be in debt because I'm not asking him for anything that I bought for myself or was my decision (ie taking the kids to the movies), but it will help. I am very grateful for the responses to my original post. Thank you. I've been feeling so lost. I will definitely look into counseling. Not sure what else will come out of tonight's discussion with my husband - I get sick just thinking about it. But it helps to know that there are people out there reading this and I don't feel quite so crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:08am
well, I spoke to him. He was mad that I hadn't brought it to his attention earlier, so that it wasn't such a big sum. He wondered what I did with my paycheck, and I reminded him that he told me that he would pay for certain things and my paycheck was extras like taking the kids out to eat, my clothes, landscaping (a hobby of mine), books, things I do with the kids, like movies, etc. He didn't have anything to say. I also brought up the point that he doesn't ever talk to me except information sharing and how I've always fought for the relationship but he doesn't. I told him that I would almost wish there was someone else and not just a total lack of interest and disgust with me. He said he doesn't know where it went wrong. I'm so upset - I am a reasonably attractive person, well educated (working on my Master's), interested in everything, I can't figure out what is wrong. I told him that I'd tried everything I knew of to make it work, but that it was never good enough. Too much sex, too little sex, staying home with the kids meant no paycheck, now I'm working but I'm not home enough, it goes on and on. I told him that if he was waiting for me to kick him out, to consider this his boot and he asked if I wanted him to leave. I told him that I didn't want to live this way and wouldn't live like this forever. It's been an hour and he hadn't said a word to me since. I guess I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: lindaro07
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:47am
What happened the rest of the night and this morning?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:25am
I slept in my youngest daughter's bed and this morning my husband was acting as he's always been acting - on the phone, a quick peck good-bye and off to work. He did ask if the weed whacker was on the porch and he tossed me an antenna topper he'd picked up at a fast food place for me - and normally that would have melted my heart - knowing that he thought of me in the middle of the day would buoy me for a long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: lindaro07
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:10pm

Do you plan to talk to him tonight about things? Did he give you the money for the things you had paid for?


What do you "want" to happen between the two of you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:23pm
So he has said a total of 11 words to me today. Not sentences - words. He has not given me the money. I'm feeling like I wish he would just leave - I'm tired of trying to make it work and it's pretty clear to me that he's not interested in a relationship with me. I just don't think he'll leave "his" house. How did I get here?!

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