money issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
money issue
20
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:34am
I don't know where to turn because my husband doesn't want me to ever talk about marriage issues with someone we both know and he knows all my friends. My husband is very concerned with money (obsessed, maybe?) He makes 6 figures. I work part time and make about 1/10th of what he makes. He has always been upset about the amount of money I spend, even though we have 4 children and the bulk of what I spend is on them - clothes, shoes, school supplies, toiletries, etc., always at discount stores or on clearance. I have asked repeatedly about him setting a budget, and the two visits we had with a counselor, he also said he should give me a budget, but he won't. Then he took my credit card away, which he paid, and said that I should pay for things with my paycheck. He said I wouldn't have to pay for gas, copays, groceries, meds, birthday gifts...just the "extras". Well, I have had to pay for all of it and now I am in serious debt. I know I just have to tell him and all that money he has saved will have to pay for what he hasn't paid for in these 7 months, but I know he will freak out. Also, our marriage has been in serious trouble anyway because while he has plenty to say to his friends, he rarely talks to me - and never a genuine converstation - just information sharing. I've had to go on meds for anxiety (a few yrs ago) and also have developed a stress-related heart problem requiring meds. Any advice on how to proceed? Thank you to anyone reading all this - I know it's long!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:04am
After several days of not talking, avoiding each other and me sleeping in a separate bedroom, tonight he asked me for the address of the credit card company so that he can start paying off what he owes. I asked him why he couldn't just give me the money and I would send it in when I send in my bill. He said that he would do it online and "chip away at it" when he had extra money. The funny thing is, before I even told him about the money he owes me, he'd asked for the credit card number. I didn't give it to him, and I will NOT give him the address. If he asks again, I will just tell him that I think he is being controlling and he'll just have to give the money to me. I don't want to say anything to him now because I am so angry!
I don't think he is going to make an effort to repair the relationship. My biggest concern right now is my kids. I never wanted to get a divorce because I don't want them to have a broken home. I don't know how long I can hold out, though. I planned to leave when my youngest was 18 - 12 years from now! I've even looked into annulments, and I think I might qualify. I am such a mess!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 5:35am
Definitely do not give him the credit card number or the address--the first thing I thought when you mentioned it was that he was planning to cancel your card.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:15am

'I never wanted to get a divorce because I don't want them to have a broken home.'

But what you have isn't a marriage. You need to teach your children about respect and healthy relationships. Staying in this situation may not be what is best for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:25pm

Whoa!!!!!! Whatever you do, DO NOT get an annulment! That would not only dissolve your marriage, it would dissolve his legal & financial obligations to you. Yes, he is required to support his children...but he is also legally required to financially support YOU to the level at which you've grown accustomed to in the marriage. Being the nanny, maid, etc all these years - you are entitled to that. Please don't throw it away just bc you are upset right now. If you are going to offer your children the best life going forward, you are going to need that financial income (I purposefully didn't choose the word "help" bc this is money you already EARNED). He doesn't "help" you financially - you've earned it by your unspoken agreement in your marriage to stay home while he worked. Think of all the daycare costs you've saved, all the cleaning bills and realize that you have a value. The reason I'm belying this point is bc if you do choose to move on, you may have a skewed idea of r/ship after having lived like this for so many years.

Good luck whatever you decide,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:24am
My only concern regarding an annulment is the religious aspect - would that still affect alimony? Not that I plan on remarrying, but I am really struggling with my Church's stance on divorce. I feel like I have put in all of the efort I am humanly capable of and things are still bad. I've reinvented myself, trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be, now I'm just trying to be true to myself. Our problems are such a tangled maze, and I just think I made a bad choice. I thought I was being committed. My biggest concern of all is the children. I want to do what is right by them. Anyone have a crystal ball?! He told me that he won't file for divorce, it would have to be me. How can he be happy when things are like this?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:11am
An annulment from the church will not affect alimony or any legally bound monitary award through the court.
Don't start an annulment now through the church, wait till you are divorced through the court.
My divorce was final in 2000 and I just got my annulment approved by the tribunal a couple weeks ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Mon, 12-17-2007 - 7:58pm

Well, after a few months of being able to handle the relationship, I'm back to needing some support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 12-18-2007 - 2:59am

I've heard it said several times ... "A child would rather be from a broken and happy home, then a broken and miserable one"... someone correct me on the saying if you will, but it goes something like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 12-18-2007 - 1:43pm

Welcome to the board lindaro07,


::Also, as it is only me who ever "makes a move", nothing will happen unless I start it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
In reply to: lindaro07
Tue, 12-18-2007 - 9:10pm

Hello!

Nobody is perfect, what you are describing is what my parent's where like and the only reason they stayed together was for me! and i am so messed up becuase of it! i would of ratherd them be happy with different ppl than be miserable together just for me! i had to go through alot of counceling because of them. if you can do what is right for you and do what makes you happy, and healthy. staying somewhere where you are not happy reflects on your children. take my word for it! i'm not telling you what to do but im just giving you perspective from a child who's been through a life of hurt because of stubborn parents.

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