Money Issues...need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Money Issues...need advice
6
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:21am
Ok. I have been with this guy for a little over 1 and a half years. We were both raised in different families. He was raised in a family who had credit cards, only one parent worked and the other spent the money, yadda yadda. His mom naggs him about what he spends and doesn't spend. I was raised in a family who does not use credit cards often, but when they are used, they are paid off in full at the end of the month. Here is my dilema. My boyfriend has 2 credit cards. One he has been working on getting down by paying as much as he can on the monthly payment. The other card he has been paying the minimum payment. Both of the cards add up to 13,000. Ok. So, for a while he cut up the credit cards and did not use them at all. His bank amount money that was extra he would spend on eating out at the mall (which is where he works). Recently, I have caught him not telling the truth about what he has and has not been spending money on. Like using the credit card every so often, and eating out using his bank account money. Do I have a right to know? We were engaged at one time but then said he wanted to take it slower and so now we are just boyfriend/girlfriend but committed...meaning one day we do want to get married and live together....I hate that he is dishonest about money spending. I know part of it is due to his mom, but I am not his mom. I am honest with him about EVERYTHING! I don't feel like myself and often question things that he is saying to me....though I know he would never cheat on me. I don't know what to do or think. If there is anything any of you can say to help make me feel better or to give me a positive outlook on life, then please do. My head just goes in circles.

Thanks

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:25am


ummmm. no. he is a grown up, and HE is choosing to act this way. you can't blame his mom or his upbringing for this. he is choosing to not take responsibility for his spending, and he is choosing to lie to you instead of telling the truth.



no, you don't know. this is a man who would rather lie than stand up to you. this is a man who does what he wants to do in terms of spending money, with no thought to the outcome.


sorry, i understand you used to be engaged, and in your mind you may get married someday? so my big question would be "WHY"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:34am
I don't know. My whole life just seems to be a mess. I don't know where to go or what to do.

M

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:50am

Trust and honest, open communication is crucial in a marriage and in any good relationship. If you cannot believe what he tells you, then this is a problem that needs to be addressed. Money often reflects many other issues in a relationship. The two of you can have difficult styles of dealing with finances, and you do, and still be okay together if you have a workable agreement between the two of you about how this will be handled, and if both are honest and responsible about keeping their words. Sit down with him, in a non-critical or blaming way, and discuss it with him. Let him know that you feel uneasy about the fact that you feel he is not forthcoming with you. Get that straightened out. Regarding his use of credit cards, if he is not addicted to them, or spending way over his head, many people do use credit cards, and there's nothing inherently wrong with it. If, however, you feel the way he handles money is not responsible, then let him know that this makes you feel uneasy and insecure about building a life together unless this area is handled. The only way to resolve all of this is to get it out in the open and work it through. If you cannot do it alone together, there is nothing wrong with bringing in a professional counsellor for a few sessions.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:20am
I think the thing that is getting to me about his spending money is that he has about 13,000 in debt plus a 350 truck payment to make monthly. I think that the money he is spending and putting on his credit card (though not much is going on the credit card)could be used to pay them off. I don't want to sound like I am pointing fingers or starting an argument, and I don't want him to think I am invading in his stuff. I don't know what to say if I were to sit down with him. We both live with our parents, therefore our money is not jointly used yet, as far as rent or groceries. It is just the useless stuff that he gets. I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. I just don't want to be controlling.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:43am
Hi, I used to have the same problem as your boyfriend. My parents were not "money wise" so therefore I grew up not knowing A THING about financial responsibility. I disagree with sk1960 on the part that you can't blame his parents because on some level you can. You only know what your taught as they say. When I was engaged to my husband I kept my financial troubles a "secret". In my family, finances were just something you didn't talk about. I kept getting in deeper and deeper and he sensed I was having troubles. When he asked I would brush it off as if nothing were wrong. When he found out otherwise I just flat out lied to him. I felt horrible about it but it was all I knew when it came to money and credit cards~~like I said, you just didn't talk about it. He told me that we wouldn't get married until my troubles were under control because once married it would affect both of us. That was hard to swallow but I understood why and knew he was just doing it to protect himself. I must admit I was proud of him for it too. Now, he came from a single parent family and his mother taught him "the value of a dollar" and so on and so forth. In a way I envied that and wanted to be more like that but I didn't know how. I think in some ways that's why I wouldn't tell him, I didn't want him to think less of me or anything. I wanted him to think I was a person who could handel anything (which for the most part I could, except when it came to money). My financial struggls improved slightly and we went ahead and got married. I realize now that all I needed was to be "taught" how to handle my finances and although I was reluctant at first I finally let my guard down and "learned" from my husband. I'm now happy to say that I am doing so much better. He has helped so much and even thought things still are not perfect (don't know if i'll EVER pay off those student loans~~~LOL) I can honstly say it's very comfortable. I know I didn't give you an answer to your situation however hopefully you can get an idea at least and maybe better asess all that's going on. If he's not open to financial counseling then try to coach him along. Try sneaking in a lesson or two while he's not looking and he'll thank you for it later. Hope this helps and best wishes to ya....sweetnopichick
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:27pm
dear sweetnopichick - of course i understand about parents who don't "teach" their kids about money, and i grew up the same way you did - money, or lack of it, was never "discussed". but ---- once you reach a certain age, or level of maturity, its time to stop "blaming" your parents and its time to start accepting responsibility, that's all.