Money...help!
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Money...help!
| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:09pm |
Oh my goodness. Just had a big argument with my bf over the phone. We've been having money problems (who hasn't been)...and recently started to talk about getting married. I don't want to sound materialistic here, but the guy has no money. He owns his own restaurant, and is majorly in debt. He makes just enough money everyday to buy supplies for the next day and to get himself a pack of smokes. He hired an employee recently and now he has to pay her tomorrow, and I know he won't have the money to. I told him I can't help him and he says he doesn't want help. I want to bring him to reality that this restaurant thing isn't flying like he thought it would, but he gets so angry. I don't want him to think that I want to be with him only if he has money (I know that's what he thinks). But I don't want to bring this fight into a marriage. I'm torn because I know he'll think I'm being materialistic....I just don't want to drown and end up having to cover his butt because I was too weak to say anything. Please, what would you tell him?
Sarah
Sarah

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You're right to be wary...if this business venture is simply ill-timed due to economy - that's one thing. If he's NEVER had a history of financial security or employment success or business success.....you need to get out of the relationship.
Let's get technical here.....dating is when you see if this person meets your needs and lives up to your standards...it's not about "do they want me".
A relationship is when after a significant period of dating you've determined through interaction in a myriad of circumstances and situations that you two SHARE values, priorities, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve them. Not just "as discussed in generalities" but as evidenced by the life and lifestyles, goals and pursuits, successes and attempts that each of you has made as an individual in a variety of regards in life affecting venues....you agree that you both want a committed, exclusive relationship and trust, harmony, emotional bond is possible becuase you share the fundamentals in life.
Let's see...if you accidentally skip dating....and you go out and have fun and do nothing be consider your feelings about yourself when being around him, and get committed really quick to "having a great life with him" - without reviewing the facts of his life and lifestyle as HE created them for himself (that's his values and goals an dpriorities showing up there)......and you instantly make his successes your responsibility, and his feelings your priority, and his needs your obligation.....then you will en dup covering his butt in every regard...and you will lose your own!
If...let's say you did the true dating, and you formed a relationship and now you want to change him, and his course of life, and his occupation because of the financial instability and insecurity...you've done both of you a disservice. You liked the fun and excitement,you don't like the practical reality of the risk involved in those things.
If the man is not living up to your standards, meeting your needs, if "his life and lifestyle is what you want to live for yourself" end the relationship because you'll have nothing but regrets, resentment, frustration, and fear while you're in it - and that is not the "feelings" you get in a relationship to have 24/7/365.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
The next time the two of you discuss marriage, I would let him know that you are not
Second, why would he think you only want to be with him if he has money? He doesn't have money now and you are with him. You are even discussing marriage to him. If he accuses you of that, understand that he is MANIPULATING you. He knows that you worry about being considered "money hungry", and he uses that to fault you rather than deal with his problem. He makes it seem that it's your expectation of his financial stability that is the problem, and not his financial instability. And you are buying into that by fearing his "judgment" of you. It is not only reasonable of you to have this expectation of him, as well as for yourself, it is necessary in order to have a successful marriage. A high percentage of divorces occur because of money issues, and some don't have money issues even close to the severity of your BF.
Third, if you marry him before he becomes financially stable on his own, you will be covering his butt as well as yours. Legal marriage will give you that responsibility. His debts will impact your finances, your lifestyle, your future - make no mistake about that.
My advice to you is this. Don't try to get him to understand his problem - he already understands it. Say nothing about it. Just don't marry him and tell him why if he asks - you can't and won't marry him until and unless he gets his financial house in order - period. Then turn a deaf ear to any outbursts. He's a fool if he thinks cruel words said in anger and accusations against you will convince you to marry him. A man who wants a woman for his wife uses words of love sweetly said, promises to cherish her, and allows her to trust him because he already demonstrates personal responsibility. Don't accept anything less than that.
Financial stability is a must for me and that is not at all materialistic.
I knew a guy like this- I liked him and we had fun together, but-- he was a bum as far as employement/money went. I had a few dates with him and cut him lose. I hear he's shacking up with some woman (his "sponsor" as he calls her) and still unemployed (2 years later), refusing to really pull his socks up and get ANY job...
But as long as he has enough for a pack of cigarettes....
He also claimed that a woman should "love him for who he is"-- well, I didn't particularly like "who he is" much less get close enough to "love" him.
Warm regards
You can always share with him this poem, but somehow I think you will not quite share what it's saying.
Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, you must - but don't you quit
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
author unknown~
Sarah
Ok, that's a fact that I didn't have.
Sarah
Well, that definitely needs to stop (you giving him money), and you need to have a talk with him about making a plan to pay it back.
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