Moody boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
Moody boyfriend
5
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 1:05pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 moths. He gets moody from time to time. Its frequent actually. He has a very demanding job and he's busy a lot. He's the type of person that gets very involved in what he does and has a hard time pulling himself away from it sometimes. He also "thinks" a lot. So he's in his own head quite a bit. He tends to be pretty calm and quiet, borderline reserved and withdrawn when he comes home from the gym as well. But the problem is sometimes, that he'll get into a mood and he'll appear to withdrawal from me. He doesn't shut down, but there's definitely a shift in his attitude. It's like he'll go from being the wonderful, caring, loving boyfriend I know he is, to someone who doesn't want to be bothered or seems too busy, or withdrawn. I don't want to be a nag and constantly ask him what's wrong. When I do, he usually says nothing and asks why I ask. I explain whatever emotion he's exhibiting but he usually doesn't respond. He sorta just blows it off like it's nothing. It's hard for me sometimes though because I am not a mind reader. It may be nothing at all and thats why he doesn't give me an answer. Or it might be something that has to do with work and he just doesn't want to bother me with it. But it's hard for me to convince myself sometimes that it isn't ME. I'd hope that if he did have something on his mind or something was bothering him about me or us, that he would tell me. But I can't be sure. Like I said, he "thinks" a lot and often doesn't tell me what he's thinking about. Sometimes he will if I ask. But most of the time he doesn't.

Last night we were hanging out and watching TV. We had just finished eating a big dinner and he had just gotten back from the gyn right before we ate. (Just trying to throw in all the possible factors here.) He was in a decent mood. Kinda quiet most of the night but I think it was just more "calm" since he tends to get that way when he gets home from the gym. After we had been hanging out for a bit I started to feel a little frisky, haha. I realized we hadn't had sex in a while. (About a week and a half I think.) So I started to kiss him and touch him and I asked if he wanted to have sex. He looked at me kind of blankly. I was sorta expecting more of a reaction I guess. Our sex is great. There has never been a problem there. But we've been kinda busy lately and I just noticed we hadn't slept together in a little while. I mentioned that to him. I said, "We haven't had sex in a while." He didn't respond. A few seconds later after kissing him some more I asked him again if he wanted to. He said I'd have to "put him in the mood." So we moved to the bedroom and, well... we had sex. It was great as usual. Afterwards he didn't say much. He was pretty quiet actually. I asked him if he was OK. He said "yeah." I asked if he was sure. He said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "Because you seem quiet." He didn't respond. Shocker. So we climbed into bed and like he usually does, he began to pass out right in front of me. He falls asleep really easily to begin with. So this was not something out of the ordinary. But it almost felt like he was faking it last night. And maybe thats because I was already assuming something was wrong and he just wasn't communicating with me... so I assumed he was faking falling asleep so I wouldn't ask him again. I don't know. I was a little frustrated at that point though. As I got up to turn the light off he asked me if I was OK. I said "Yes, I'm fine. I just want to make sure you're OK." Then he passed out and that was it. I went to bed last night thinking there was something on his mind or I maybe offended him by stating that we hadn't had sex in a while. (He's always concerned with making me happy. So if he feels like I'm not happy for some reason, he gets upset or defensive if he feels like it's his fault.) I just felt like he was very disconnected from me and I didn't start feeling like that until I tried to initiate sex.

My point is (I'm sorry this is so long) this happens often. He'll get into a mood or appear to have something on his mind but he won't communicate with me. I understand women over think a lot and that could very possibly be what I'm doing; looking into something and thinking there is a problem when there really isn't. But I want by boyfriend to feel like he can talk to me and communicate with me about anything. No matter what it is. I want him to not only be my boyfriend but my best friend as well. Sometimes I feel like he's not telling me what's on his mind. And sometimes I feel like I'm not telling him what's on mine. Like this problem for example, that I'm tell all of you about but not him. I guess I just wish we had better communication. Am I over thinking last night? And does anyone have any suggestions on how to open our lines of communication more? Or are his mood swings just something I'm going to have to learn to put up with? It's hard to assume that when he gets like that, it's not something I've done or a problem he has thats related to me... when he doesn't open up and talk to me about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 1:43pm

Here's your previous posts:


Strip clubs, etc..


I pre-judged


The L word


There are a lot of things going on in your short 6 month relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 5:58pm

Ribbit, it's great that you're getting a clear picture of his personality so early in the relationship. Wouldn't it be terrible to have spent two years with him before recognising it!

Now that you are getting a clear picture, it's time for you to decide if you want to be with someone who goes quiet so often. I know I couldn't do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 10-30-2008 - 6:50pm

If you need help communicating then maybe a counselor can help bring your communication back on track and point out what each of you do to debilitate the communication process.


You can also suggest that each day you both get to vent about something that happened during the day to tick you off or upset you and the other person can listen or offer advice, depending upon what the speaker wants at that moment. This way you can start out with little things with him - minor things - and maybe he'll get comfortable enough to talk about the bigger things because venting feels good.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 12:54pm

From the sound of this and your other posts, you sound VERY VERY worried about being "the perfect woman" for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 11-02-2008 - 1:12am

Ribbit, its only been six months and you are trying to suffocate this guy. You have posted several concerns...all seeming to have the same thing at the root. You want his undivided attention and undying love expressed already and all the time.

Your mom is right, you need to back off. Give this guy some breathing room. Get a hobby, join a club, make some friends. If you keep pushing at this pace, you're going to chase this guy away. Its been six months and you gave far too many issues. Assess your expectations. If you stand firm, find another guy that is as needy as you because this guy isn't.