more than confused
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more than confused
| Sun, 10-05-2008 - 10:16pm |
I have no idea where to go from here. My boyfriend of over a year broke things off. It was out of nowhere. We had just started to go ring shopping and he would always profess how I was the love of his life. He initiated the discussion of marriage and I was all for it.
He showed up one day and told me that he was broken inside and couldn't be in a relationship. He continued and said that he still loved me. I specifically asked if it was the same way I loved him. He said, "Yes." He needed to figure and straighten out his life and couldn't take on caring for someone else. He indicated that he had no idea if he would ever want to get back together.
It has only been about three weeks now. He seeks my company and still wants the intimacies of our relationship. He still says that he cares about me and that if he didn't have these other issues, he would still be with me. He just can't handle a relationship right now. He keeps acting like we are still together just without the "I love you" and now more distance.
He openly says that he doesn't want me to move on. He also says that he's not comfortable with telling me to wait for him because he doesn't know if and when he'll be ready for another relationship. I've tried stepping back and giving him space. He is seeking a therapist to work on his issues.
It keeps going back and forth between being treated like I'm still his girlfriend (love of his life) to we just need to be friends.
I'm torn inside. This was a man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now he acts like I'm more than a friend but not a girlfriend. I still love him. I'm just trying to figure out if it would be crazy to wait for something that may or may not happen. What is really going on?
He showed up one day and told me that he was broken inside and couldn't be in a relationship. He continued and said that he still loved me. I specifically asked if it was the same way I loved him. He said, "Yes." He needed to figure and straighten out his life and couldn't take on caring for someone else. He indicated that he had no idea if he would ever want to get back together.
It has only been about three weeks now. He seeks my company and still wants the intimacies of our relationship. He still says that he cares about me and that if he didn't have these other issues, he would still be with me. He just can't handle a relationship right now. He keeps acting like we are still together just without the "I love you" and now more distance.
He openly says that he doesn't want me to move on. He also says that he's not comfortable with telling me to wait for him because he doesn't know if and when he'll be ready for another relationship. I've tried stepping back and giving him space. He is seeking a therapist to work on his issues.
It keeps going back and forth between being treated like I'm still his girlfriend (love of his life) to we just need to be friends.
I'm torn inside. This was a man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now he acts like I'm more than a friend but not a girlfriend. I still love him. I'm just trying to figure out if it would be crazy to wait for something that may or may not happen. What is really going on?

tewdwr, I feel so sorry for what you're going through. It is incredibly difficult to go from a place of confidence and security to being left in the open. Truly I sympathize.
Your guy is being a guy. Commitment is frightening for men, especially young men (I'm not sure how old you two are), and you're not the first woman to have a man pull a freakout before purchasing the contract that says "I want my life to be this way forever". Men on the whole go through their lives one day at a time, each day waking up and subconsciously choosing to be with you. But when asked to "sign an agreement" that they're going to wake up fifty years from now and choose to be in the same position. As my guy (marriage-phobic) said to me recently, "I want to make that commitment when I can feel happy enough to take a snapshot of my life and our relationship and say to myself 'I want it to be this way forever'". There may be some insight in that honesty.
I will also share with you something else; my brother who is only 24 got married last year to a girl he had been dating for four years. Two months before he asked her to marry him (he already had the ring), he freaked out, said "I can't do this" and tried to date other people. I guess it's obvious that it didn't last long before he realized his life was emptier without her and made the commitment. Some men need this.
Move on without him, no matter what he says. Drop contact, tell him you can't talk to him anymore if you're broken up. This will serve two purposes:
1) If this breakup really is for good, you will have a head start on moving forward and healing.
2) If he's waffling over his decision to break up with you, and it seems he is, he will realize what his life is like without you and he may come back from it a changed and more mature man. Loss is a very powerful and enlightening thing.
I've heard his words before from many men (not all directed at me) and it could really go either way. It's not in your best interest to wait, the pressure will actually drive him away if he knows you're holding on for him. Of course you still love one another, very few relationships break up because two people just don't love or care for one another anymore.
He's trying to figure out who you are to him before he can take that snapshot and say "this is what I want forever".
I wish I could tell you the future but this is something you're going to have to muster up some strength to overcome. Best of luck, this will turn out for the best no matter what.
Welcome to the board tewdwr,
If he broke up with you to find himself, for 'space' etc, then you need to stop sharing having sex with him.