More space or a divorce??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
More space or a divorce??
29
Thu, 07-31-2008 - 6:48pm

My wife and I have been having issues...We had some ups and some downs. We are on a down and I don't know if we are going to pull out of this. The issue is I don't think my wife ever really forgives. Just adds another notch to her belt of things I did wrong. I never done anything bad, but we had fights over little things. I suspect its depression,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Sun, 08-10-2008 - 12:10pm

Finally some advice that sounds like what I’m going through…I don’t think I’ve called her abusive (Not to her anyways, only to this board) I did say she is being unfair to me and I don’t disserve this and that I’m being very good to her and her kids.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sun, 08-10-2008 - 12:47pm

WHY DO YOU WANT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE? You deserve a woman who would treat you like the KING that you are!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes love isn't enough to keep it together and quite frankly do you want to spend the rest of your life with a cold woman like your wife?

I suggest you cut you losses and let her go. WOW imagine her reaction to your saying that because I don't think she would expect that at all. Find a special woman and honestly with the abuse you take on a daily basis you are better off single.

Kiki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 1:24am

Well I went to go see the councilor and it was pretty much how I expected. I already did much of the work myself and now I have to wait for her to do her part. He wants me to concentrate on myself. Doing things that will please me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 5:25am

It's very nice that you are so willing to go to the lengths necessary to save your marriage, but I really think it's time you stand up for yourself. You are treated by others the way you allow them to treat you. What your wife is doing is unacceptable. Yet she will continue to act this way for as long as you let it go on with no consequence. I am not trying to be unsympathetic. I too have been in a relationship and had to simultaneously deal with my own depression and anxiety issues. I too was in a bunch of debt and also had agoraphobia and didn't want to be touched, loved on, or even talked to, really. I was a mess. However, the only thing that really made any bit of difference was my boyfriend telling me that I had to take some sort of step forward because he wasn't going to be able to deal with it much longer. I wouldn't do it for myself (which is depressing in and of itself) but I would do it for him. And in turn, I bettered myself and our relationship.

My point is, you are being an enabler under the guise of not wanting to get a divorce. Yes, many people divorce much too quickly, and a lot of people never should have married in the first place. But you can't use a statistic to relate to your own personal experience. Your wife is treating you terribly. Yes, she has problems, but if she is not willing to take any steps to fix them whatsoever then what are you supposed to do? You can read all the self-help books you want, but all you're learning is how to cope with your wife's behavior. You cannot fix it for her and she does not want to fix it herself. You are stuck at a standstill until either she decides to help herself or you decide enough is enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 7:55am

When

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 1:27pm

Two things came to mind while reading your post:


1) this is not good in my opinion: And she went over to her male friend’s house with the kids and told him. (I’m not happy about that)


and


2) from her email, while you read it as she's willing to try, I read it as she's trying to let you down easy.


I'm sorry you are having to go through this.





angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 1:49pm

I hate to say this ... but, my gut instinct says she's having an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2007
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 10:15pm

We had a talk about her post. She said she is willing to try to make this marriage work with me. Its obviously not going to happen over night but the fact she said she at least try then I’ll do the same.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 2:43am

While it is admirable that your wife WANTS to try to work on the marriage, you need to be adamant in the fact that this will have a much better chance of succeeding with the help of counseling. You are already going, and I think if she is honestly willing to do what it takes to save your relationship, she will make the effort and go with you.

I really think it's necessary to have some sort of measure of progress. Not, "She kissed me today," or "She didn't yell at me as much." While those things are nice, they are not sustainable without some tools for her to change her behavior. They should be things like, "She went to the counselor," or "she's getting her finances in order." Things that will better her personally. You know? Good luck.

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