more then friends...what to do?
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| Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:36pm |
I've known this guy for over 2 years. He had an off and on again relationship with this other girl. I was there for him. I hung around him. I supported him and his decision to wait for her. He waited for her and waited for her and waited for her. For 8 months. In this time I knew I had feelings for him and he knew I had feelings for him but yet I supported his decision. In June he came knocking on my door (he lives 3 doors down the hall from me), with tears in his eyes saying that she's pregnant with someone else's baby. That she didn't even tell him, someone else told him, etc.
Well our friendship was friendship but with "benefits". My mistake. It was in the moment, etc, etc. He isn't/wasn't looking for a relationship. Which parts of me understands but I continued with the friendship because "I can handle it".
Well I cannot handle it. I want more, I want to be with him. I love him, I am in love with him. And it just hurts soooo much.
I do believe that he cares for me a great deal, I believe that he does care about me more then a friendship as well. Though he says he's not looking for more then a friendship with ANYONE. That it has nothing to do with me, etc.
But the amount of time we spend together, even without sex. The things that he has said to me..
*you're the best relationship that I've ever had (believe it or not)
*to telling one of my co-workers "she's the best thing in my life"
*to telling me in Feb "if I were able to say it, if I were able to give myself right now, I'd certainly say it to YOU"
*the night after Christmas, he got drunk...kissed me on the lips twice. Was very flirtious around a male friend. At the end of the night he said "I feel like there is potential between us". I said "that will be long gone forgotten by morning". Well morning came, he sobered up..said he wasn't feeling himself, was feeling emotional. And said "I cannot handle a relationship"
Well there you have it. Two weeks ago I spent 5 days with him. He turns around and saus that we are not bounded together, we can do whatever we want to do, etc. But the thing is, he hasn't done anything with anyone since he came knocking on the door but me.
I don't think he's intentionally using me. I don't think he's out to hurt me. I do think he has feelings for me but is scared. I don't think he knows what to do with himself. I don't think he can handle it. I think he's afraid of losing, not only a relationship but a friendship again (from my understanding-his other girlfriend and him were friends first...now they do not talk).
I don't want to lose him as a friend. But I want him more then a friend. I know I cannot sit and listen to his girl problems if he sees other people because of how I feel. He has always told me that if I find interest in someone else, to see them but I cannot find interest in someone else, when I'm around him sooo much and am inlove with him.
I haven't talked to him in a week. And I will remain without contact. I don't want to pressure him. I don't want to scare him. It's very very hard though. We e-mailed each other EVERY single day. When he came home and signed online, he IMed me EVERY single day.
I know I'll be moving in a couple of months, I know I will drop a group e-mail, with his name to tell them of my new address, etc. Maybe it'll be easier when I'm not so close in distance to him?
Anyone have any thoughts?

I never got any closure either, I still hope someday, I will be able to get that from him, but I doubt it, it's been too long. I just was never that courageous. Be brave and honest and if he needs time, then tell him you are giving it to him. Right now, it's easy for him, no committment and all the benies to boot! Not fair to you. You deserve all of someone, not just half of a person. If it's meant to be, it will be and if not, you have to let it go to save yourself. If you don't move on, it will haunt you forever. Talk with him though, make sure before you leave that he knows how you feel from your own lips. Love is risk, sometimes, you just have to risk it and hope for the best. I really wish I'd done things differently, please tell him and stop being his safety net, demand his respect in the sense that you know and believe that you deserve the BEST from someone. Best of luck to you! Peace. :)
take care,
What your guy wants is sex, fun, companionship without obligation, requirement, or restriction. That is what he wants....which is precisely why he is NOT dating anybody, not in "a relationship".
You, want a commitment, a future, a partner...those are two very different things. You maybe thought that giving him what he wanted - would make him want what you want because YOU were so great, so special, so "different". But that's illogical as a thinking process.
To give someone what they want...does not "inspire or require" them to want what you want in return, in reprocicity.
He is not ready to look for a partner who's values he shares, interests, priorities, goals, and boundaries that he also shares in mass quantity. He doesn't want to the do the "interview process" called dating....because he is not "hiring' for the job of "partner" in the job of "a relationship".
He's simply enjoying the benefits of singlehood - and by your own actions and choices have placed yourself in the "benefits" column of his accounting ledger.
If you stopped being of benefit.....he'd wouldn't cease the friendship if indeed there is more than a 'physically attraction based friendship" in play that has been around for years. Although you'd both need to step back, at your instigation, realign your individual identities and priorities and get some personal success so that you weren't "seeing a future" when you see him.....or seeing a "lack of a happy future" when you see him in social situations.
He doesn't want the job of a relationship - he's quite content with the contract labor "benefits".
Giving him what he wants - won't make him want what you want. And ceasing to give him what he wants - won't make him want what you want either.
People want what they want - because of the values and priorities they hold. That is something you don't control or dictate or change with your actions, decisions, and words.
At all times, you're responsible for being in situations that meet your needs...this doesn't, it is not up to him to change his priorities and values and desires to meet your needs - just because you compromised your values and standards in order to meet his sexually.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
As much as it hurts, you know what needs to be done here and are doing it, good for you.. You will havbe your good days and you'll have the bad...the bad will seem way more consistant