Moving in with bf??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Moving in with bf??????
2
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:34am
I really appreciate any input you have. This Nov. will be the 3 year anniversary of my bf and I dating. Kinda an abnormal start, one month into the relationship he said I love you, I said it back, then I basically moved in with him. Every night I would go to leave and he would beg me to stay, so eventually my stuff made it to his apt and I have been living here ever since. He was the one who initiated me moving in and helped me with my stuff. About 3 months into the relationship he gave me a ring, like a promise ring and said you have to wear it on this finger (left ring) and this ring symbolizes that I want to be with you in the future. We just fell in love and everything felt right.

Well now it is almost 3 years later he is graduating from grad school in Sept. and next May I will be graduating from undergrad. This fall (sept-dec) I have a few classes and on campus housing. (My parents have made me keep my on campus apt just in case something should happen ie we break up and I need a place to live.)But come my last semester spring (jan-may) I will not have an apt.

Here is the problem. Even though I have been living here. My bf calls it "staying here" like I am a houseguest! I said are you afraid to call it what it is, living here? He says no. I offer to leave and go to my apt. if he feels we moved too fast, he says no and that he loves me and wants me here.

Ok next problem, his family does not know I am here as much as I am. I am sure they have a clue, they are not stupid, but my bf will not tell them officially that I am living here. His dad pays for alot (the apt, bills) and my bf says he does not want his dad giving him crap about playing house with his gf while he pays all the bills. I have offered to help pay, but my bf says his dad will flip if he officially says I am living here while he is still finishing up grad school and trying to find a job. Ok I understand this. I say to my bf are you sure you want me here, he says yes and that if he didn't want me here he would say so.

So I want to ask my bf if I can offically live here come Jan. By then he will be either at or looking for a job and I will be in my last semester. I asked him the other night, 'Since I will not have an apt in Jan how do you feel about me living here, I would give you $ for everything'. He just semi closed his eyes and said, that is a long way away, we will think about it later. But it is not a long way away, if I will not be here I need to start finding roomies and an apt! I tried to explain this, but he doesn't say anything. I know this is going to tie in with'the talk'. We have been together for 3 years and he says he wants me in his life, but how do I know this is not all talk????? I just want to know where this is going. I need to find out about all this, but how do I bring it up again and get him to talk?

What do you guys think....be honest....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:15am
It seems like he was ready to move fast in the beginning and now he is afraid of commitment. Maybe because things were new and exciting before? That's usually how things begin. You two need to talk. Your future is at stake here. And, you can't put it off to convenience him. I understand your need to figure things out for yourself. I'd be the same way. I'd find a way to tell him that you need to know now, so that you can start making plans. If he is uneasy about the whole thing, just find your own place or roomates. It'll be like a little test. Don't put it off. It's obviously bothering you. Best wishes to you and your exciting future! Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 7:38pm
I can see you boyfriend is very relaxed... if that's a way to call it. I understand how you feel... you've been for 3 years with that men and you are waiting for some commitment from his part but he is not responding as you wished. If I were you, I would start looking for an apt for january, just in case, and that way you can show your boyfriend that you are not lost without him, and that if he can't make a decision you can.

I personally think that you will not use that apt, he will change his mind and "accept" you in his apt. But maybe if you start looking for an apt your boyfriend will understand how important this is for you.

Any way, best wishes and I hope everything goes well.