Moving in together, good decision?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Moving in together, good decision?
13
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:04pm

I am wondering if anyone has some good advice for me as I take big step in my relationship.. moving in together! I am 21 and my boyfriend is 25 and we've been together for a year. We are very much in love and have a healthy relationship, in all senses of the word :) I realize that to some people dating for only a year may seem too soon to be moving in together but I am willing to listen to their concerns. If my boyfriend and I encounter problems I am willing work through them. We have talked about the future and both envision each other in our futures and thankfully our families do as well. Although I have thought this through quite a bit, I was just hoping some of you may have some advice as far as how to deal with changes that may occur within our relationship. And also what changes I should look out for that are "normal" for this situation?

To give you a little background about us, I am a full time college student with a part time job and he has a full time job which we both take seriously. He has always been respectful of my need to study and often encourages me to do homework rather than distract me (although sometimes the distractions can be quite fun!!). I am supportive of his job and also am very supportive of his needs to spend time with the guys and watch sports. We have two dogs together and have raised them since they were puppies, which was a challenge in and of itself, but it proved to me that we may be ready for the bigger challange of moving in together. Neither one of us has ever lived with a significant other and our families are both supportive of our decision. The house we are renting has four bedrooms and two bathrooms so we will have plenty of space to be alone if we need to.

Before we decided to take this step, I talked to him about my fears of doing so. I brought up to him that my fear of moving in together is that it will lead to us getting married just because we live together, even if we are not ready or end up being not right for each other (which I highly doubt). I was worried about this because among his friends this tends to be the popular trend. I told him I would not be ready to settle down and get married for at least five years and he said he feels the same way. I told him that if in five years we are still living together and think about getting hitched just for the sake of getting hitched, I want no part in it. I want to still be as excited to be with him as I am to move in with him. If I dont feel that same spark and have doubts five years down the line, I won't settle with him just because we have lived together. I want fireworks, people! :) I also hope in that discussing my fears with him I have not given him a "get out of marrige free" card. I do want to get married, and hopefully in seven years, to him. But I just don't want to have to think about that now as I am a college student. I just hope I haven't given him the immpression that I am not concerned about commitment, because I am.

I hope I have made the right decision for myself and my boyfriend but any helpful words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

Rose

Pages

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:15pm

Discuss the following in detail BEFORE you move in together:

How you will manage the bills (joint account? both pay a certain amount each month? who will write out the checks, etc.?)

How much "alone time" do you both need and how will you respect each others' space?

How will the chores be divided and when will they be done?

Who will do the cooking/grocery shopping/car repairs?

How neat/clean do you both expect the house to be?

How do you feel about pets?

How often are you both comfortable having friends and family over?

Those are just a few to consider.

As far as getting married just because you're living together, I've always heard (and experienced) the opposite to be true - that you're LESS likely to get married after having lived together for a long time. But as long as you both make your expectations clear and can agree on them, it shouldn't be a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:50pm
Personally I wouldn't do this if I was in your situation. It's a bad idea to live together to try things out without any real sense of commitment. You say you aren't ready to settle down, but living together pretty much is settling down. You say you wouldn't get married if you're not really sure about it and all, but it's so hard to walk away once you've lived together for a few years. Things that you'd run away from if you were simply dating become so much harder to justify leaving for. You're even raising dogs together already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:52pm

'I want fireworks, people!'

This concerns me. Sparks die down some and you need to differentiate between being out of love and getting comfortable down the road.

I don't think a year is too soon and from your post it doesn't seem like there are any red flags. You may be overanalyzing this.

Just remember that if you do run into problems that marrige will not fix anything.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:04pm
You are right, I know there will not be "sparks" when we are really comfortable with each other, I guess I am just still in the "honeymoon" phase of my relationship and will be sad to see the sparks die down a bit. However, I also look forward to being completely comfortable in my relationship too, as there are many benefits to reaching that stage. And I don't see marrige as a way to "fix problems" but as an even deeper commitment that I honor. I just feel too young to get married. I see living with my boyfriend as a way to see if we truly are as compatible as I think we are in everyday life. Does that make more sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:34pm

I have to agree with this and advise against moving in together, until at least you have a better idea of what you want from the future. I'd recommend waiting if you haven't had "the talk" (really, several talks) about marriage, kids, what your goals are for the future, and being 110% sure that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. Living together is not a good time to try discovering whether or not you'll be compatible life partners. I know how tough it is to move out of a shared place.

Marriage and living together are very similar commitments - if you know marriage for you isn't in the near future, I wonder why you are jumping at taking this step?

You should probably have more of the big stuff sorted out before you seriously consider living together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:03pm

I just don't understand why you want to move in together, have pets together, and possibly live together for many many years to come, yet say you have no desire to get married for at least five years?

Just struck me as odd...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:48pm

I think its great you have found someone you have a strong connection with and see a potential life partner in. However, I agree with the other posters in that I don't understand why you want to live together right now.

I personally think you should live with someone you want to marry. If you want to marry your BF, why not plan for it in the next year or so ~ why wait the 5 or 7 years you are speaking of? What will be the difference in your relationship if you live together one year or 5 years?

I think if you want to have the same 'spark' years down the road you will be disappointed. Five years down the road the spark you feel today will not be the same. You may still love each other but that 'spark' will not be the same and you may attribute that to him not being the 'one', although it is a natural phase of a relationship to move out of the honeymoon phase.

Living together can be a great experience. However, if things don't work out it can be devastating. I wouldn't encourage you to do it unless you have both seriously considered the status of your relationship. It is VERY easy to fall into the comfort of simply being together and NOT getting married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:13am
Thank you all very much for your advice, I really do appreciate it. And to clarify, I really do want to marry my boyfriend and we have discussed it and he wants to grow old with me too. However we both take marrige very seriously and want to wait until we are older. I want to have a career before I tie the knot because I want to be able to afford the big wedding I've always dreamed of. We would not get married just for convinience but because we really love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Living together is a step in that direction. I guess I just wanted advice as far as what to expect when I move in with him and changes that would occur within our relationship that I could be prepared for. I was not looking for advice as to whether or not I should marry him or move in with him, I've made that decision. I was just wondering what you thought might be some common problems or situations we would run into.
Thank you for your advice though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 6:37am
The title of your post is "Moving in together, good decision?" so I took that as you asking for advice on whether or not moving in together was a good decision. Sorry if that wasn't the advice you were really looking for...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:54am

I was with my boyfriend for only 9 months before we bought a house together. Now I am older (I'm 26 he's 27) but it can be very scary. We've now been together for a year an a half and things are great. I hate when people say the spark goes away, I don't think this is true, yeah it changes but it doesn't go away. My boyfriend and I are closer now then before. We have so much fun living together and yes it is hard, but if you talk and communicate it helps alot.

You have to remember that you are two different people raised two different ways, moving into the same place. You have to learn to compromise, this is what causes some small problems. I for instance, always put my dishes in the dishwasher and he doesn't, well this drives me crazy and I told him and now he does it, you will each change in small ways, if not b/c you want too, but b/c it makes your BF happy. I think it's a great idea to move in with someone before you marry them, it's a slower transition and it's not too much change all at once. We've learned alot about eachother and I've fallen more in love with him and I didn't even think that was possible. Now our plan is to get married in the next two years and we've talked about everything from kids, to saving for their future, to saving for out future and everything else.

I'm not gonna lie, it can be tough, but I wouldn't change a thing. It's about alot of compromising and talking. Make sure you discuss how the bills will be paid and who will be responsible for what, we change it around alot and I don't mind doing the cleaning but sometimes I'll ask him for a little help

Pages