Moving in together, good decision?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Moving in together, good decision?
13
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:04pm

I am wondering if anyone has some good advice for me as I take big step in my relationship.. moving in together! I am 21 and my boyfriend is 25 and we've been together for a year. We are very much in love and have a healthy relationship, in all senses of the word :) I realize that to some people dating for only a year may seem too soon to be moving in together but I am willing to listen to their concerns. If my boyfriend and I encounter problems I am willing work through them. We have talked about the future and both envision each other in our futures and thankfully our families do as well. Although I have thought this through quite a bit, I was just hoping some of you may have some advice as far as how to deal with changes that may occur within our relationship. And also what changes I should look out for that are "normal" for this situation?

To give you a little background about us, I am a full time college student with a part time job and he has a full time job which we both take seriously. He has always been respectful of my need to study and often encourages me to do homework rather than distract me (although sometimes the distractions can be quite fun!!). I am supportive of his job and also am very supportive of his needs to spend time with the guys and watch sports. We have two dogs together and have raised them since they were puppies, which was a challenge in and of itself, but it proved to me that we may be ready for the bigger challange of moving in together. Neither one of us has ever lived with a significant other and our families are both supportive of our decision. The house we are renting has four bedrooms and two bathrooms so we will have plenty of space to be alone if we need to.

Before we decided to take this step, I talked to him about my fears of doing so. I brought up to him that my fear of moving in together is that it will lead to us getting married just because we live together, even if we are not ready or end up being not right for each other (which I highly doubt). I was worried about this because among his friends this tends to be the popular trend. I told him I would not be ready to settle down and get married for at least five years and he said he feels the same way. I told him that if in five years we are still living together and think about getting hitched just for the sake of getting hitched, I want no part in it. I want to still be as excited to be with him as I am to move in with him. If I dont feel that same spark and have doubts five years down the line, I won't settle with him just because we have lived together. I want fireworks, people! :) I also hope in that discussing my fears with him I have not given him a "get out of marrige free" card. I do want to get married, and hopefully in seven years, to him. But I just don't want to have to think about that now as I am a college student. I just hope I haven't given him the immpression that I am not concerned about commitment, because I am.

I hope I have made the right decision for myself and my boyfriend but any helpful words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

Rose

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:50pm

<I guess I just wanted advice as far as what to expect when I move in with him and changes that would occur within our relationship that I could be prepared for. I was not looking for advice as to whether or not I should marry him or move in with him, I've made that decision. I was just wondering what you thought might be some common problems or situations we would run into.>


Sometimes living together can kill the spark and turn a romantic relationship into a roommate relationship.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 3:38pm

Thank you for your advice and your positive outlook on my situation. I have felt a little discouraged by some of the research I have read about unmarried couples and their eventual divorce rates. I also felt a little worried when I read the insightful advice from other posters who advised me to wait until marrige to live together.

I have taken many of the posters advice and continued to discuss things with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have found a rental home that is different from each of our previous living situations so it is all our own. We will have plenty of space in the home to have privacy but also be able to share. We have discussed finances and plan on splitting everything down the middle as far as bills go. Although I am still a student and he is a working professional, we have separate bank accounts and I have support from my father while I am a full time college student. In that sense we will not be depending on each other for money. We have discussed our future together and both envision getting married eventually. We even agree on our ideas of what a healthy family would be. We are both in this for the long haul and consider our commitment to each other very strong and serious. We both look forward to building an even tighter bond. I picked up some books about unmarried couples living together ("Shacking Up" by Stacy Whitman and "Unmarried to Each Other" by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller). I look forward to reading them and discussing with my boyfriend the advice that these authors provide to ease the transition. I would like to figure out which issues we need to discuss now, prior to our move, and which we need to plan to bring up later.

Overall I am very excited to move in with my boyfriend and I know that as long as I understand that it will be different and challenging, I will be prepared to handle stresses that come along. I appreciate your thoughts and words of wisdom please wish me luck as I embark on this adventure. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:48am

I don't get some of the post, yes they are early in their relationship and things could change but if they move in now or three years from now things will change, I think it's a good idea to live with someone before marriage b/c after marriage you have this whole dream of what marriage is and you've never expereinced living with eachother and then it's all a shock. I've been living with my boyfriend for almost five months and we've been together for a year and a half and we've learned alot more about eachother after moving in with eachother, when we do marry the only difference will be that we are husband and wife. There will be no suprises, some people don't live together, get married and then move in together and end up not liking the person when they are living in the same household.

As far as money issues, if this man loves you he will not treat you as a child if he is pulling in more money then you. I lost my job two months after we bought our house and it's been tough, but my BF has been nothing but supportive and helpful. He has been paying a majority of the bills while I got my teachers certification and I hate that he is and feel I should apologize but he doesn't mind. He wants me to get my certification and when I did apologize he said that is what we're suppose to do support eachother and be there for eachother. I think going through these tought times, which we've had alot since we've moved in, has made us stronger and made me want to be with him forever even more. We bought a house, he opened his dream business, I lost a job, and got my teachers certificaton all in a three month time span!

We got to see how the other handles tough situations and how we deal with them together, yeah he leaves his dishes in the sink, but there are so many more positive things that make up for that :) Living together does cause a lot of stress b/c you have a lot more responsobilitites but it teaches you alot about the other person.

As far as the time lines people have set up for things to change and the romance to fade..well I think they are stupid. I've been told so many times that things would change after six months, or a year or a year and a half and that romance and sex would fade but it hasn't happened. Yes things have changed, but for the better. Our sex life is actually better then before...we had it every day then and we still do but now it's better b/c we are more comfortable with eachother and willing to open up to what we want.

So good luck, yes things may not work out the way you planned, but the way I see it is that at least you found out before you got married.

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