Mr.Conflicted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mr.Conflicted
2
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:38pm
okay guys i am 26 i have had a friend for seven years....we all know the saying you don't sleep with your friends it ruins the relationship. well my friend and i had known each other in college, we had chemistry, we knew we could possibly hook up and even made out a few times.The reason we never hooked up i was involved in a college sweetheart on again off again relationship...Anyway i moved away to take a job out of state we kept in touch....i would come back to vist him and some friends and last year we took the plunge and slept together we both liked it were single and i was intrested in moving back home We decided it would be perfect timing for us espically if i moved back ...anyway long story short.... it took 6 months for me to move in that time we had not started a relationship due to distance and he somehow started dating and fell for some other girl. luckily they broke up 1 month before i got home. i was none the wiser until he got all sour puss about not wanting a relationship and finally admitted he was sour due to this girl dumping him...now here are the most important facts...he had no chemistry with this girl , he is unsure if he fell in love, and he can't get over her!! so now our "anticpated hooking up" has grinded to a hault! in any event its been 3 months im dating and i have a few prospects and i really really wanted me and him to work but at this point im frustrated....hes milling around over this girl and when i say hey lets just go back to being regular friends he gets all upset like how come im not giving him time and he doesn't want to close the door on us! So in all honesty guys is 3 months enough time? am i the one being pushy? he broke up wit her in dec and is still not over this he even started calling her again....im sure this is going beyond him wanting closure but he won't close the book on us......despite we never acctually started our relationship thats his fault not mine should i keep playing lady in waiting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: keikolee
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:45pm
Get a grip....you two were "friends with benefits" - as in we have chemistry but no good "timing" regarding a relationship. And so you hooked up prior to getting there, dating him, and finding out if a relationship is something you share the definition of and desire for.

You didn't take that approach - you hooked up thinking we want the same thing and we'll have it when I get there.

How silly. He didn't want a relationship wtih you - or else he'd have never taken that approach to begin with. He'd have insisted on dating and getting to know you now - not just hooking up based on previously existing chemistry.

All that happened is he's been dumped....vs. being the one doing the dumping and he's got a bruised ego. You panting around going "come on, come on...let's go back to what we had and see if it works out" - feeds his ego and makes him feel better.

But what kind of relationship would you have if you did end up in a relationship? Inequality based...he'd consider you the dog he finally decided to take home from the pound because nobody else would give him a dog for free, and he doesn't want to be obligated to one anyway and so if he sends you back to the pound at some point, you'll be used to being there.

FWB rarely becomes a relationship. Guys have no problem doing great sex without obligation. And really - given that sex is just a physically pleasurable act between two consentinga nd skilled adults and doesn't indicate shared values, interests, goals, or desire for a relationship via mutual definition....it shouldn't be more than that.

It was great sex...I guarantee you if you went back to being no-obligation sex as an offer, he'd take you up on that in a heartbeat. What he doesn't want is obligation to you. He certainly wouldn't mind sex with you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: keikolee
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:51pm
Move on. He can't ask you to wait around for him on the chance that he might not date her again. Even if he does decide to date you, won't you always be wondering if he will change his mind again?

He is either not over her or not over the effects of the break-up. In any case it will be a rebound relationship if you date now.

3 months is about 2 months too long in my book. So concentrate on getting settled and dating others. Have fun.