My abortion, My boyfriend...His Parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
My abortion, My boyfriend...His Parents
10
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 5:04pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating since I was 15. I am 20 years old now and he is 21. I moved in with him in November of 2006 and I found out I was pregnant in February 2007. We told our parents who were extremely supportive, and our friends. One day we went to the beach and i realized that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 5:33pm
An abortion could not have been an easy decision. Gary has proven to you that he will bail on you when you need him most, and lie to his parents about you. That's not the sign of a mature guy ready for a mature relationship. Are you sure you REALLY want to be with this guy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 5:40pm

I won't tell you that abortion is wrong because I had one too. It's a very personal decision and it sounds like you thought it out beforehand. That's good because it's not a decision to make lightly.


I'm not understanding why Gary felt he needed to break up with you to "think things over." That's not what a supportive man does. So you should take that into consideration.


As far as what his parents think - why does it matter what they think? It's not their business. They may THINK it's their business but it's not. It's yours and Gary's. Period.


Now - that he won't tell his parents that you're dating again. This makes me think he's spineless. A mommy's boy.


He can say anything, "Mom and dad - I'm dating livefree again." Doesn't matter. Methinks that he's a coward. And methinks that this relationship also needs to end so you can find a man and not a spineless little boy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 5:45pm

eggbert...


I get where your coming from. I love gary completely and when I decided to have the abortion it was against his will but he supported me. He said that it was my choice and my body. After I had the abortion he didn't break up with me because of that. He said that it was the fact that he thought that i had the abortion because i wasn't sure i wanted to be with him and it took me a long time to make him realize i was having the abortion because I was scared and being very selfish. I think gary is immature when it comes to his parents but he is literally scared to death to stand up to his mom and ruin their relationship (she is very irrational). His family is very wealthy and he has never had to work (he is not a stuck up rich kid who buys whatever he wants) but if he told his mom not only would it ruin their relationship but his life would be MUCH harder than it is now. When I was pregnant gary was there for me, ready to support his new family. A little maturity and immaturity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 6:01pm

So, you are saying that Gary doesnt want to tell his parents because then he would have to support himself and earn his keep.


And he is over the age of 18?


Basically what he is telling you is his free ride off of his parents is more important than his relationship with you.


I could see the argument that he needed to get on his own before telling them, but it has been 7 months now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 6:37pm

No, Gary was there for you because apparently having the baby was what HE wanted.. I'm not saying that he broke up with you because of the abortion, I'm saying he broke up with you IN SPITE of it. He should have been there for you. I know that you are both very young but abortion and pregnancy are topics that absolutely require maturity. While you did the best you could and made the right decision for yourself, he fled.

He needs to decide what he wants more: you, or his mother's approval. I understand it's a tough choice but a grown man does not choose to appease his mother over a relationship he feels has a future - that may say a lot about what he plans for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 8:48pm

You are quite right, he must sooner or later be able to tell his parents and also to stand up for you. You both made the choices you were able to at that time and you should not have to pay for it the rest of your life. If his mom "hates" you, that is unfortunate and also, if he is not strong enough to stand up to her, she could become a negative influence in your life and your relationship. Although it is difficult to do so, all children must be able to stand up for what they believe it and those they love and protect them, and not allow any negative influences (including from their parents) to invade their relationships. I don't know if he is able to do this. It's important to have a serious and honest talk with him about it. Set a time frame in your mind that seems fair to you and tell him you do not want to be a secret forever. If he is unwilling or unable to do it, then it's quite likely that he is not the right person for you - and wouldn't be able to stand up to the pressure you would receive from his family during a marriage.


All the best to you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:36pm

he is usually the most mature person i know, really. He has been supported his entire life which isnt his fault, shoot if my parents wanted to pay for everything I would let them too. But Yes, the truck is in his parents name and the paycheck comes from his dads business, he doesn't actually go to work unless its summer... I had a talk with him last night and he got upset because he said he feels like we talk about this all the time, which we dont. I end up bringing it up and he avoids the conversation. That is not talking about it!


I ended up saying goodnight and hanging up on him because I was so mad. He called me back a little later and I told him he needed to consider my feelings. I asked him if he thought me writing a letter would be a good idea and he said he didnt know and he would think about it and tell me what he thought. I can tell he wants to tell his parents but maybe doesnt know how to approach it... his parents are NOT very approachable(even for him). Any advice on the letter, if its a good idea, what to say?


I also told him last night that i needed to know how long he thought we should give his mom. He said he didnt know. I told him I needed to know because if he says 2 years well then i cant do that and even though i would still love him that i deserved better.


He is meeting me for lunch today, so we'll see how that goes. At least the ball is rolling ( i hope).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 2:09pm

Finally I called his mom

Pregnancy ticker

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 6:47pm

eggbert...


nobody fled. we were both very scared and I think we both needed that time. neither one of us wanted the baby but he didnt agree with the abortion, even though he didnt agree he still supported whatever my decision was. wouldnt you say that is a sign of maturity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 7:52pm

NO OF COURSE I DON'T!! I think exactly the opposite. He chose an awful time to "need to think about things". He didn't flee physically, but he backed off from you emotionally.

I think he acted like a scared child.