My bf and his ex hanging out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
My bf and his ex hanging out...
5
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:58am
All right. Well my bf and I have been going out for five months. He and his ex talk on the phone and then they sometimes make plans to go out. He is upfront about it with me, telling me where he is going and what time they are going and where they are going. I DO trust him, I do care for me and I know he cares for me. And yet, I can't STAND when she asks him to go out and he agrees. This has been an ongoing issue for us everytime she asks him to go out. It really bugs me that he takes no consideration into my feelings and how I feel. I find myself crying and trying to persuade myself that it'll be ok. But I've had it already. I'm tired of feeling like $h*t when they go out. We can't come to any solutions. Although I have come to one: We all meet for dinner or icecream. He flat out denied that solution, saying that he doesn't want her to feel awkward and he doesn't want to feel awkward and he doesn't feel it's right for her to see us being together, holding hands, etc. I say, if you want to get over your fears, you face them. And he's not having it. What is going on? He told me that they were over each other. And if that's the fact, then why doesn't be want me to meet her? I don't understand and was hoping on some comments that could clarify 1. Is is all right for them to hang out, even if my bf knows it affects me? 2. Is it too unreasonable to ask for the three of us to hang out? I thought that would be the bigger thing to do... Any insights are appreciated. Thank You.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:00am

Oh girl... I just spent an hour at my therapist's on this topic. My BF of 1yr is going skiing this weekend with some friends and his ex GF. I was invited but had obligations, so I can't go. I was feeling uncomfortable with him going without me AND uncomfortable about being uncomfortable. This (in a nutshell) is what my therapist said to me today:

1) It is normal to feel threatened, even though you trust your BF, because your relationship is new and you are trying to protect it (your turf). Trust comes with time and history.

2) It is reasonable for you to express your concerns. It is also reasonable for you to ask for help in coping with your concerns, ie. reassurances, compromises, boundaries - anything the two of you can agree on that will make you feel better.

3) The person may not be threatening, but the idea that they have a sexual history together, that you were not a part of, can be the threat in itself.

My BF was apprehensive about her first meeting with me - his first real girlfriend since they broke up. He wasn't sure how she would react and was very self-conscious about how he interacted with me when she was in the room. Eventually he settled down.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:59am

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That's crap. What he's saying is that HER feeling awkward and HER not seeing you together is more important than YOUR feelings. Does she even know you're together?

If it were me, I'd be outta there. It is NOT ok for my bf to have female friends with whom he socializes (ALONE!) if it's not ok for me to meet them and at least ocassionally join them.

Why are you with a guy who prioritizes his ex's feelings over yours?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:25pm

Welcome to the board sufracar,


I think it is okay that they are friends. However, the part that bothers me is that he doesn't want you to met her. I think you need to let him know that in order for your relationship to continue meeting her is not an option it is a requirement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:16am
I don't think it's ok that their friends. To me an ex is an ex-gf for a reason. He doesn't have respect for your feelings but he sure does have respect for hers. You already suggested a solution to this matter by offering to go out with both of them and he refused. I think if you really love him than you should give him an ultimatum, telling him that it's either her that goes or you. I understand that you love him but do you truly want to be in a long term relationship with him AND his ex because it doesn't seem like he's gonna let her go anytime soon. Tell him you want to be his ex-gf too b/c she seems to get better treatment than you do as his gf..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:28pm
I really don't think an ultimatum is a good idea at this point in the relationship. There are still compromises they can make. Giving him an ultimatum is and should be the last resort.