my bf can't accept the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
my bf can't accept the past
3
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:26am
I've been with my bf for 4 months (3 months long distance). he's so in love with me and we planned to have a family. He's a religious guy who's very kind and simple. However it turned upside down when i told him i'm no longer a virgin. That outrages me... i tried to explain that i had sex with my first bf since we loved each other and that's normal for us... however things didn't work out since he cheated on me...

I've been crying all nite coz i wonder whether i can trust guys anymore... even the nicest one... i just wanna have a new life and spend the rest of my life with someone who can accept me as who i am...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:29am
4 months is really no time to plan marriage and a family and you are finding out why.

There are plenty of nice guys who are not affected by nor do they judge a girl's past. I think it is good that you found this out now. He is religious but his love and respect for you seem conditional. It is obvious that it is important for him to marry a virgin and you may be finding out that you have even less in common as you get to know him better.

Don't regret the choice you made to make love to your former boyfriend. You are an adult and just need to find someone who is a better fit for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:38pm
Thanks Gina. That really comforts me... My friends are also outraged because of my bf's reaction. I somehow always put myself in another's shoes, e.g my bf's point of view, and i try to understand him, meanwhile i myself suffer because of this. Just let time pass by and i'm sure the right guy will come along.

Thank you very much Gina! See you around!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:08pm
Let me say something here if I may..

Honey, if he can not accept you as you are, then you need to find someone who doesnt have this same thing going on. You cant get it back, and he basically made you feel tainted, which was not a very nice thing to do. You are NOT damaged goods and dont deserve to feel that way. Im so sorry that he did that to you, trying to make you feel dirty. Thats shameful. To be fair, he should have pointed out some of his own mistakes and let you tell him how wrong they were, huh? The last thing that a person who feels religion should do is condemn, they should be forgiving right?

I feel that if this were such a demanding and deciding criteria on his love for someone permanent, then he should have stated this much earlier on to save you both the frustration and hurt. If he feels that he can only be with a virgin, then that is definitely his right, but he should learn by this that he should know up front. Assuming does nothing.

You evidently felt that sex with your ex was ok at the time and you made that decision. He cant take that back, he cant tell you to go and reclaim your virginity. Its done, he can get very upset, but the simple fact is that he cant change it.

And honey, I can tell you that there are good sweet men out there, ones that are very trustworthy and deserve every kindness and feeling that you give them. Unfortunately, there are also alot of bad ones too. You must learn to hold yourself back a bit and make someone earn your affections before just giving them willingly to a oerson who might very well be undeserving. And you cant know that as soon as you two have been together, and DEFINITELY not long-distance. (Personal thought, there but let me explain)

You can easily fall in love with the right words, the right thoughts, but its the day to day person that you are exposed to, watching them constantly interact with daily life that you must be able to accept every bit as much. The only information that you have on him is what he wants to expose you to. You cant see how he reacts to someone who is not like him, or a very hard situation, etc... You miss a very vital part of learning anything about him and it would be very rash, especially after this huge bump, to even consider marriage without at LEAST a year of constant interaction. Not visits - anyone can be good for a week or two, but being near to one another often. I did something along these lines in my late twenties, and on every facet, he sounded like exactly what I had always been looking for. But I started noticing inconsistencies with what he said vs his reactions to others. They werent atrocious, yet at the same time, I just didnt feel I could be with him considering his actions. Via telephone, letters and email, we could get along just fine. In real life, OMG the time together was TRULY enlightening and showed me that I was wasting my time.

Much luck