My bf has a female friend in love w/him
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| Wed, 01-16-2008 - 4:30am |
I've been seeing my bf for almost 7 months now. There is a big age difference between us-I'm 40 and he's 23. We get along great and love each other, except for one thing--he does things that make me jealous.
He's very sociable, so often he'll talk to other girls when we're at bars together (and they tend to be attractive.) That bothers me. He is still friends with an ex-girlfriend that he had slept with long after they had broken up. She sent him a pic of her in a sexy halloween costume while we were together-that didn't sit well with me. But he told me he discussed it with her and she was apologetic.
But that's all minor compared to what's going on with his best friend. He's known her for years...used to live with her...and they had sex years ago. She is obviously still, at the very least, attracted to him. She may be in love with him--I don't know. But he's told me things about her that gives me pause --when he was single, she didn't like it when he flirted with other girls in front of her. And she buys him presents and things. He even admits that she likes him more than as a friend.
I've tried to be cool about it, even though it makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean, I don't want to get too possessive, which will end up driving him away, or make him choose between her and me. So I told him he should invite her to hang out with us. So, tonight, he invited her for dinner, and she was completely weird about it...refused to go out with us and made comments like, they needed to keep their friendship and his relationship with me separate...?? I don't understand why he's continuing to be friends with someone who likes him more than as a friend...unless it's an ego gratification thing. I would have problems if any of my guy friends were like that. It would make me uncomfortable. Especially if my guy friends didn't want to meet my boyfriend and acted weird about it.
He keeps telling me he loves me and not her. I am actually feeling like I want to break up with him about it, though. I just think it's partly his immaturity and his naivete, due to the age difference, that is making it hard for him to see why I'm uneasy about their friendship. It's just highlighting for me this big gap in our ages that I had been overlooking. I think a more mature man would not continue to carry on a friendship with someone who was obviously pining over him; a more mature man would be more clear on the boundaries.
The thing is, my bf is very honest about all of these things. And I do know that he loves me. It's just the jealousy thing-it's torturous.
What do you all think? I feel like I'm in the middle of drama I don't want to be in.

" I think a more mature man would not continue to carry on a friendship with someone who was obviously pining over him; a more mature man would be more clear on the boundaries."
But you're dating a 23 year old... Maturity is clearly not an important quality you're after.
I wouldn't date this guy, and I'm 24 myself. You're right, he refuses to set boundaries and you know what, she's been in his life longer than you have. I think that if you stay with him this will continue to be a problem and you'll continually feel like the other woman.
Welcome to the board drummerchick40,
I think eggbertshootsfire got it right.
Welcome to the board drummerchick40,
I think the bottom line is that this is who he is and he isn't likely to change that any time soon. You have to figure out if you are okay with it or not?
glitter-graphics.com
It can be quite hard to be in a relationship with such a younger man, because you might well start comparing yourself to younger women and no matter what he says, feel insecure, or inadequate. But beyond that, you are quite right, it is disrespectful to you to maintain a separate relationship with a woman who has feelings for him. It is immature and also insensitive. Unless he can hear how you feel and respond to your needs, no matter what age he is, he's not the right one for you. You must be clear about your own boundaries and standards in a relationship. If this is something you need to feel safe and respected, then there is nothing wrong with making it a rule for you. You can simply acknowledge that you don't want to be in a relationship where your partner is having a separate relationship with a woman who cares for him. Most women, of every age, would feel that way as well. Unless he can live up to your standards and boundaries, then no matter what feelings exist between the two of you, he's not the one for you.
Best wishes,
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Thanks so much for your advice, Dr. Shoshanna. It is very good advice, and I know it to be true in my heart.
However, on a practical level, how do I respond to the argument he comes back with that I don't trust him? If I trusted him, wouldn't I feel safe and secure despite his separate friendship?
My argument is that it's not just about trust, but about feeling accepted and included. I would never let any of my friends-male or female-disinclude him. I would express to them that it's not acceptable.