my boyfriend and his ex.Kinda long... =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
my boyfriend and his ex.Kinda long... =)
2
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:21pm
Alright well I have been with my boyfriend for a year and about 8 months. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship, we have ups and downs like everybody does. There is something that is bothering me right now though. He still talks to his ex-girlfriend. As fas as I know it's not like he's talking to her everyday or anything but...I dont understand why he feels the need to talk to her. She called him last night while we were outside his house waiting for friends to stop by. And I mean he didn't walk away from me or lower his voice or anything while he was talking to her which I guess is good, cuz he wasnt trying to hide anything. But he said something like, oh sorry I didn't call you back last night, and I'm thinking like, what the f*ck? And then when he was getting off the phone with her, he said to her, I'll call you later. And I said, no you will not be calling her later. And he was like, well I always tell her that, but I don't call her back.

But I know that he does call her, like to say "hi" I guess?? I don't really know why.. I don't understand why he has to talk to her? He's said " I love you", to two girls, me and her. She was his "1st love" I guess you could say. It makes me feel insecure knowing that he calls her and she calls him. They live very close to each other ( about 20 minutes away from where I live), so he could stop over there and I wouldn't know about it... I do trust my boyfriend, just not with her. When my boyf goes out with his friends or the few friends that he has that are girls call him, I don't get worried or feel insecure. But with his ex it's different.

You see about 10 months into our relationship, my boyf told me that he still loved his ex, and he still had feelings for her. And before he told me that, he had been acting weird with me for almost a month, and I finally forced him to tell me what was going on. Then over the summmer on one of his days off from work, I didn't here from him all day, and when I asked him what he did, he said nothing. But then he told me the next day that he had been at his ex's house for a few hours. He said something about how she was really sick and the doctors dont know what's wrong with her. He broke up with me a little while after that. Then we got back together after only like 3 days. He said he couldn't live without me and he made a mistake and he had just needed some time away from me to think about things and make sure this was what he wanted. Then a little while after we got together, his ex called him and said she needed help cuz her car broke down so we went to help her, and there like 4 or 5 people there. I didn't really understand why we had to help her, and I was kinda pissed. My boyf knows how I feel about this girl, and I didn't understand why he would go help her and bring me along. He said it was so I would see that nothing is going on with them. Also might I add, she didnt look sick at all, and I have heard nothing else about her being sick since then...

I feel like I can't ask him to not speak with her because he has known her for a lot longer than he has known me and they were good friends when they weren't going out.. But it's like at the same time, I know for a fact that she used to call him and tell him how much she loved him and she wanted him back... I dont know if she still does.. I mean am I just being too insecure. Would it be reasonable to ask my boyf too break ties with someone that has been in his life for so long? Am I wrong for being upset about his contact with her? All his friends say he would never cheat on me. And I am very good friends with like all his friends and their girlfriends and I know they would not lie to me... So maybe I am just being silly? What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:53pm

Im concerned as to why you are still with someone who shows clear disregard for your feelings.... I understand that you care for him, but you are settling to be someones second best. I can understand them maintaining a freindship, but he crossed the line several different times. Worst yet, you allowed him to. It is going to be difficult to, like you said, give him ultimatum as to if its going to be her or you.


On top of all of this, you are insecure about things from what happened afer the initial 10 months...You need to think if you are going to be able to handle being in this relationship. he has clearly hurt you, but you cant live in the past, or use this as ammunition for reasons why he could be cheating now.If this is the case, it is a clear sign you dont belong with this man.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:34am
I went through this when I first started dating my boyfriend. He was still in contact with his ex and they were friends until we really became serious and she couldn't handle it anymore, he on the other hand was still hung up on why she wasn't talking to him and started obsessing over it. Honestly I think the best thing I did was just standing by him being somewhat cool about it until it became to much I like you couldn't deal with it anymore and told him that I really didn't understand why he felt the need to talk to her anymore she just made him miserable. I know my situation was different then yours but my advice is to tell him that you are very upset by it you can understand if he wants to be friends but maybe set some limits that you both agree on. Hope this helps a little good luck!