Is my boyfriend cheating?
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| Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:19pm |
This is my first time posting on this board. I am really scared that my boyfriend of 8 years is either cheating on me, or might be contemplating cheating. Here's the recent stuff (names changed), and then I'll give you some background info.
On Saturday night I was leaving my boyfriend a voicemail when I got interupted by call waiting. I entered his voicemail system to delete the message and re-record it when I discovered that he had a message from a girl named "Jane." Neither one of us is friends with a "Jane", so I listened to the whole message, thinking it might be about a job opportunity (he's been sending out his resume.) The message said, "Hi, it's 'Jane'" gave the day and time then said, "I was wondering when you wanted to meet up. Hope to talk to you soon." I questioned him about it, to which he said he had no idea who she was. I asked if I could call her back (she left her number), he said yes. When I did she was rude and said that she called to talk to my boyfriend, not me. He also called and said she was asking him where he was from, etc.. and wouldn't give him a straight answer. When he got to my house he swore to me that he had no idea who she was.
But instead of being concerned and assuring me nicely that he didn't know her, he was very defensive and got angry when I showed emotion.
Four years ago he was sneaking around online in chat rooms and when I confronted him about it, he did the exact same thing. Got defensive and swore nothing was going on, until I went to him with proof. That's when he broke down and told me everything.
I talked to his best friend about this and she told me that she has serious doubts he's cheating on me because she had a talk with him about our relationship last week and he told her how much he loves me and how happy he is, but also agreed that the message sounded really fishy. Why would a "wrong number" address my boyfriend by name and ask when he wanted to meet up?
One more important thing....we haven't had sex in almost 7 months. He's says it's because he's stressed out and depressed by looking for a new job, but every single time I go to make a move he comes up with an excuse.
My heart is breaking, I'm making myself physically sick with worrying and wondering, and everytime I try to sleep I am filled with images of what might be happening.
I love him with all my heart and soul, and I want to believe him....but I can't shake that doubt that maybe something is going on, especially because I've been in the position of being lied to by him before.
What am I supposed to do?
Thanks for your help.
"M" :(

If your gut is telling you that he is cheating, then you don't need to get proof. I think that you need to talk (& not confront) your boyfriend again about this issue. If you explain to him how you feel and why you feel so strongly about his infedility, perhaps he will come clean.
As far as the status of your relationship in the future, this is something that you have to decide for yourself. You need to decide if you want to stay with him or not. You need to ask yourself some serious questions as far as your own self-worth, the value of trust, honesty and integrity in relationships and then take it to your boyfriend.
I am not saying that the relationship is not salvagable, but I am saying that it needs some work.
Good luck...
This part:
Unfortunately, it appears that your boyfriend is cheating on you with "Jane." At first, I was alittle leery of the voicemail and I was almost willing to say "let it go" but just give him enough rope to hang himself. Well, that was until you said that you caught him 4 years ago cheating on line in chat rooms - same behavior, same response.
Four years ago was he *stressed* about something while he did his online thing? Yes, stress and depression does cause change in libido, but if he's avoiding it with you and the two of you aren't finding a way to share some kind of intimacy, then something is wrong...either physically or mentally with him (emotional intimacy issues?) Sounds to me that your boyfriend may be stressed to the point where he feels bad about himself and in an effort to make himself feel better about himself, he seeks out other women, first online and now Jane. She had to get his number from somewhere and he's lied before so my personal opinion is that it doesn't look good.
Carrie
The reason he gave for lying about the online stuff was that he was embarrassed. He started poking around online and exploring, since the internet was pretty new in his house at the time. After the fact I ended up talking to a couple of the women that he had spoken to (I found their email addresses thanks to a little detective work), and he never hid me from them or tried to come across as single. What they basically told me was that he was lonely and depressed because he didn't have many "real life" friends at the time, and came online to talk to them about our relationship, things they had in common, etc. While I was deeply hurt by his lying, I could understand why he was hiding it from me. I mean, how many guys say to their girlfriends, "hey honey...i was curious about porn sites, found this chat room there, and now have friends I like to talk to online in it." He also had male friends on the site that he BSed with, not just women. It was just that I felt hurt that he couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on.
As for how "Jane" got his number....the weirdest thing happened to me 2 days before my boyfriend got his message. On New Year's morning I received a phone call on my cell from an unknown number. The person left a message saying, "Hi "M" it's "M". It's nice to hear your voice. Give me a call, okay?" I have no idea who that person is and why he would have called me and left a message like that, like he knows me. I didn't hide the message from my boyfriend, in fact I played it for him and asked if he knew who it could have been.
Is it possible that someone is playing cruel jokes on us and giving out our cell numbers? Within 2 days we both received messages from people we don't know (well, at least I know for sure that I don't know) asking us to call them.
I know it might sound like I am trying to make excuses, but I'm really just trying to come up with as many possibilities as possible before taking drastic measure that I might end up regretting.
My boyfriend gave me the code to his voicemail and the password to his email account a long time ago, so why would he give his cell number to a girl he was cheating with, knowing that I could check his messages at any time?
His best friend is going to talk to him this week and casually bring up what happened (he knows I told her about it.) She has been friends with him for 11 years and can see right through any B.S. She is positive that she'll be able to tell if he did do something.
"M"
Is it possible that someone is playing cruel jokes on us and giving out our cell numbers? Within 2 days we both received messages from people we don't know (well, at least I know for sure that I don't know) asking us to call them.
Wow! This could be someone's idea of a joke, but it sounds like SPAM to me, like my boyfriends father has his cell phone linked to his email and so he will get a ton of email notifications on his cell phone from his email. Does your cell phone provider offer this kind of service.... He said Jane wanted to know where he was from? So maybe it is SPAM. Very, very weird.
Carrie
My ex did the same thing. You shed a lot of light on some questions I had. Thank you so much, that helped a lot. But why do men do that?
Carrie