My Boyfriend is Greek.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
My Boyfriend is Greek.
6
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:38pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now having broken up twice and moved out once. We're back together and living together again but some small old habits keep coming back that used to be a big big problem with us. If he's tired and at work while I'm at home I'll ask him maybe once or twice if he's sure he doesn't want me to bring him something to eat and the second time I asked him he was completely sarcastic and just plain rude about it. He constantly tells me I'm not listening which isn't true, although I will admit sometimes it's hard to pay attention. I feel like he expects me to do the housework just because I don't work full time which I'm working on and wait on him hand and foot. I don't mind doing things for him, and even though I shouldn't be expecting anything, I don't ever get anything in return. I don't mind doing housework but I don't get anything for it except him telling me what I missed, things I forgot to do or he'll snap at me and say he has to go behind me and re-do most of my work. He doesn't understand that I bust my butt at work and he claims that I take the easy, lazy way out of things. "Can you get me a glass of water?" and when I do he doens't say thanks but does say that there's no ice. "You know I like butter on my biscuits" I don't like confrontation so when we argue he pretty much talks down to me and I just kind of cower with my tail between my legs. Anything I say in response to his argument, he has a comeback for. Our sex life is brutal at times. It's only when he's in the mood for it and he doesnt' take the hint when I want to do something. He wants things done to him but never returns the favor. He's get mad when I try and tell him that it's always when he wants it, not just sometimes and it's never just once that he doesn't 'do' something. Someone please help me with advice or something. How can I tell him in a nice way without it back firing on me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:58pm
You sure you want this critical, self-centered, selfish, self-focused man in your life?

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan

The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:41pm
well, the only thing though is that he's amazing when he's not doing that...lol. As much as I hate to say it like that. He's so funny and smart and great to be around but he's gets into this type of mood like that where it seems like he's only doing that. Sometimes it's all the time sometimes it's hardly at all. I don't have the guts to tell him off when it's needed because i hate hurting peoples feelings...do you have any advice for this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:06pm
Yeah...grow a backbone dear. (I'm meaning that seriously but in a joking/friendly way...don't want to come off as a smart-a :) ). You already know WHY you don't stand up for yourself, you said it yourself. Next time he acts this way take a deep breath and say "...(whatever you want/should say)...". Suck it up and take up for yourself. Stop letting him run over you. It's a problem-you know it is-you've broke up over it 2 times before. Breaking up isn't doing any good and trying to be nice isn't either. So what if he is great PART of the time. Don't you think you DESERVE more than that? I think he's self-centered as well and don't think you should try to tell him in a "nice" (your word) way. You've tried nice and it gets you no where. Stand up for yourself and if he doesn't care enough about you to see what he is doing is hurting you and want to make some PERMANANT changes then leave him again-except this time don't come back. I mean it's your choice...stay with him and make changes or stay with him and live in misery. I really don't see any other options and I think you know it's not worth going through all that "bad" for just those few days of "good". It can't be THAT good or ya'll wouldn't have already broken up twice over it. This time do what's best for you...you deserve it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:12pm
Three things, first check out this reply to another post - the ideas might work for you in your situation -

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=18055.4

Second one, is try humor -

::I don't mind doing housework but I don't get anything for it except him telling me what I missed, things I forgot to do or he'll snap at me and say he has to go behind me and re-do most of my work.

'It's the maid's day off. Shall we get a new one?'

::"Can you get me a glass of water?" and when I do he doens't say thanks but does say that there's no ice.

'so sorry we ran out of ice cubes, shall I go to the North Pole? OR laugh and say 'who raised you? I'm sure your mom taught you to say thank you.'

::"You know I like butter on my biscuits"

Try ignoring comments that don't require a response. If he wanted butter bad enough he'd get up and make it himself.

I use to work for a very critical boss.... one day I stood up out of my chair and gestured to it, "you want my chair?" "What? he asked. I said "Do you want my job? You can have it, if I'm not doing the job well enough for you." He never again was so critical.

Third, you can get some short-term counseling and work on your self-esteem.

::I don't like confrontation so when we argue he pretty much talks down to me and I just kind of cower with my tail between my legs.

When your feelings matter more to you, then his, you will stand up for yourself.

My best to you.

PS I just thought of one more, my brother pointed this out once - narrate - when he disrespects you, puts you down, call it like it is - 'there it is, right there, being disrespectful.' Then walk away.

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us.




Edited 5/13/2004 4:20 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:34pm
I really appreciate you taking the time and replying with all that. It means a lot that you're nice enough to try and help me out. I know that everyone has their bad moments, and has a few petty fights over nothing. I also know that a relationship is based on trust and communication. I wish that it was easier for me, as in, coming up with clever tactics on how to bring things up. Maybe like you said just breathe deep and say it is the best way. I'll definately work on trying to speak my mind and will keep you updated on how things go. Thanks again for you time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:38pm
I couldn't help but laugh while I was reading that one. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out with this. I just hope that if you have a problem I can return the favor and help you with it. I'm usually a very sarcastic person in a fun quarky sort of way so I know that saying stuff like that in response to his behavior would definately make me laugh. Especially the narrating one. To funny, and thanks again. I will definately let you know how it goes and try some of those techniques.