My boyfriend hates my friends
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My boyfriend hates my friends
| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:23pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for seven months and in the begining everything was great and I wanted to spend all my time with him but as time wore on I needed to get back to a normal life that included my best friends. Every time I mention them he freaks out and says that I want to spend all my time with them and they are the only ones who make me happy. I'm at the end of my rope. I am a single mom with two kids and have been on my own for over three years now and am not about to let some man control me (that's why I got divorced) I just need to know if anybody has any ideas to help me.....

Sounds normal and a healthy decision. I think that not only are you finding out that you have less in common (different priorities) but you are discovering things about him that are red flags and that turn you off.
'Every time I mention them he freaks out and says that I want to spend all my time with them and they are the only ones who make me happy.'
Sounds controlling, jealous and childish
'and am not about to let some man control me '
Then talk to him about your priorities and independence. Tell him that if he can't handle you spending time with your friends and doesn't see the value in a healthy balance of time spent together, then he needs to walk away. You have no time for such nonsense and I bet this is just the beginning. He could get much more controlling and if you think about it you may find other signs that you overlooked in your honeymoon phase.
' I just need to know if anybody has any ideas to help me.....'
You can't make him change. He has to see what he is doing and right now it seems he blames you. Is he worth it?
Any man who begrudges you time with your friends is not worth being in a relationship with. He is obviously a controlling person and wants to be the only person in your life. This is not good. The fortunate thing is that you realized his character before you got too serious. I'd end the relationship and just move on.
I think probably the reason this relationship lasted this long in the first place is because you dedicated all your free time to him so he didn't have any "competition". For future relationships, I would recommend having a balance between time with the guy you are dating and with your friends. Friends are important and you will find out from the beginning if the man is the controlling type or not.
now you want to get reacquainted with people you care about and he's driving a wedge into it by even making you think he hates them. "hates"? that says a lot.
if you stay with him your life will be miserable.
I have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt! A more healthy relationship is established when both parties have full and complete lives and gradually incorporate each other into theirs, rather than wanting to attach and intertwine almost immediately.
Bottomline though, is that there is something about you that attracts these controllers and you have to figure out what that is and work on it. My issue was that I suffered from low self-esteem and didn't believe I was worthy of love, therefore when a guy came along that was interested in me, I was all for it - I didn't spend enough time in the getting to know you part and generally felt that the relationship would bring me all that I'd been missing, that I'd finally feel loved and complete. This is what I did with my ex-husband - I wasn't nearly discerning enough, I made excuses for his poor behavior and generally made it my mission in life to try and make him happy, all the while hoping that his happiness would mean I'd be happy. What I discovered over time was that I'd married somebody with a completely different set of values and priorities and that I didn't admire or respect who he was as a person AT ALL! That was because I attached too quickly, was so anxious to be loved that I almost didn't care who it was. What I've now realized is that you need to feel loved and complete all by yourself or you will have no chance of having a healthy relationship with anybody.
Hope this gives you some things to think about.
Peace - Pebbles
It sounds as though your boyfriend is overly possessive of you, jealous of your relationships with others. This is unhealthy. Every healthy relationship needs to include time spent with friends for each partner. You require a full life, with many kinds of experiences, not to run away from the world and from life with one person. If he is so jealous and unable to accept your having a full, normal life, he is definitely not a healthy choice for you. Unless he can deal with his feelings, and open the doors both for himself and for you, this kind of relationship can only grow more restrictive and unhealthy. It can even turn into a form of control and abuse. So, be aware and be careful. Create boundaries that are healthy. As you spent so much time with him alone for so long, it may be difficult to alter this pattern, but it is a pattern that does need to be altered.
Take good care of yourself.
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