Is my boyfriend immature?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2012
Is my boyfriend immature?
4
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 7:17pm

I am a 21 year old college student who is also working a graphic design job. I have been dating this guy for 3 years, who is also 21 and a college student working a part-time fast food job. For the first 2 years of our relationship, I went to school 2 hours away and only saw him on weekends and over breaks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 10:54pm

It doesn't seem that this relationship is working out very well now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 11:57pm

The sex thing seems kind of fishy. Typically a 21 yr, old guy would be wanting it all the time, And for men especially, sex is a BIG stress reliever.Something just doesn;t seem right here. Do you think it's possible he's seeing someone else and that's why he's not coming to you for sex anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 12:23am

First of all, you were both 18 when you started together, BOTH young and immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 9:08am

"I have been in relationships before"

You've been dating this guy since you were 18, any relationship you had was before adulthood. I recognize your relationship in one that I had myself when I was about that age (I am 28 now so not too much older)... Please understand that you are both in a very strange phase of life; college is not quite "adulthood" yet, people undergo an incredible amount of personal growth (hopefully) and change (inevitably) during college and when you graduate, and in the several years to come, you will have different needs, wants, ways of handling stress, and you will understand better who you are as a human being. The unfortunate part of this is the realization that as you go through changes, you will almost certainly grow apart from most of the people in your former life. I am hesitant to label your boyfriend as "immature" but he isn't really happy in your relationship, though you may still love and care about one another. This is a sign of growing apart. Guys, especially his age, have a difficult time expressing negative emotions because they are afraid of creating problems unnecessarily. It's obviously not a good problem-solving strategy, and it's a cop-out for him to say "I've never had a girlfriend before" because he has been with YOU for three years... But you two are growing up and not together. You sound like a very mature individual who knows what she wants from a relationship. He may not be as self-aware as you are, but regardless, this relationship is probably on its last legs. Committing to someone who doesn't even feel good kissing you would be unwise to say the least.

I wonder if you two could put your relationship on hold while you focus on your own lives, you both have a lot going on. I don't forsee your relationship working out in the end, to be perfectly honest, and in order for you to not feel taken advantage of, it would be necessary to stop doing things for him because you don't really feel the love and affection that you NEED to have in a relationship.

I remember writing letters to my now-ex, a lot like you do, because I felt like I was bashing my head against a wall trying to communicate with someone who didn't know how to communicate what he wanted because he didn't actually know what he wanted. All he (and I) knew was that he was unhappy. This is not a good place for a relationship to be in. Something has to change. I wish I had moved on sooner, rather than writing letters and trying to communicate.

It's time to create some separation now, both for clarity and to prepare for the breakup if it's going to happen.