My boyfriend is an odd ball!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
My boyfriend is an odd ball!
5
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:35pm
My boyfriend an I have been dating for 11 months. In the begining, things were great except that his crazy ex kept calling, coming by his house, following him, came to my house....etc! He even had a restraining order on her once. He was a mess because of her and had a hard time letting go, his life was a mess. He had stopped doing alot of the things he use to do. I come into the picture and we hit it off great. We found we had so much in common like; writing, arts, outdoor activities, etc. I started to encourage him to get back into his writing of plays, I helped him design and create his company logos, I inspired him to paint again, I bought roller blades and we took that activity on, I also gave him many things he needed and lots of gifts too! I basically became a very nurturing and positive girlfriend to him. Then, some time passed and he would get in these strange moods and say; "I don't know if I really want to be in a relationship right now", This happend about 4 times since we have been together. We broke up about 2 times. I would tell him; "don't call me ever again" Next thing you know he would start to call and apologize and act like nothing ever happend. Another issue is our sex life. I enjoy having sex and I am the type of person that believes in trying anything if your comfortable with your partner and both agree. I have never lacked for attention, and my past boyfriends always raved about how great sex was with me. However, my current boyfriend has a hard time reaching his point and sometimes doesn't get there. Also, he is not very affectionate towards me and doesn't approach me for sex half the time, unless I go above and beyond to stimulate him. Now he is telling me that he feels there is no passion and that he is starting to feel like an old married couple. I just don't get it! I dress very sexy when I see him, wear the things he likes and try to do all the things he likes. He has made many comments that have made me feel inadequate! He also brings up his past relationships and how there was passion, there was this and that! It hurts me deeply. He thinks hes gods gift to women and everytime we go out, he is looking at every other woman but me. I know that I don't have a problem in looks, I get cat called everywhere I go! The one and only person that I love and want their attention, doesn't give it to me. I broke up with him this past week, because he totally blew my graduation off and I was at my limit. I told him to never call me again. Then what does he do? Calls me all weekend and tells me he misses me, but never apologized for his neglegance about my graduation and then on top of it all......starts to chew me out about how I am not making an effort in this relationship! I was like dumbstruck!!!! I am just so confused. He is suppose to be seeing a therapist and doesn't go. He has super issues. I want to make things work because I really love him, but then again.......Maybee I should let him go. I need some good advise, can anyone help me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:15am

honey. i don't know what your BF's problems are - maybe he is depressed, maybe he is just not a nice guy. i do't know. but it sounds like you need to start with YOU. from what you are describing, it sounds like YOU have been putting your *self* on a back burner, and you turned this guy into your "project". there is a BIG difference between being a supportive GF, and making a guy the center of your life.


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and was this a two-way street? I am not saying that we have to *give* in order to *get*, and that if we don't "get" back, then we should give up the relationship - but i do think that when we get into these unhealthy and unbalanced relationships, we feel that we become depleted, and the other person is NEVER happy or satisfied anyway. (i know, because my former marriage was like this). on top of everything else, he can't or won't have a satisfying sex life with you, which is an important aspect for YOU.


honey - he broke up with you- let it stay "broke up". don't take his calls, don't listen to his crying, of course you are going to break down and get back together when you do, move on. take some of that energy that you put into this 'relationship' and put it into YOU - what things do YOU want to do for yourself?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:00am
I'm 43, and have never been married, so I've had my share of boyfriends.

I always considered the first full year of any relationship the "assessment" period. I think it takes AT LEAST that long to really assess compatability, ect....

At 11 months, sounds like you've had enough time to assess the guy, and really get to know him. From what you are saying, sounds like you'd better break it off and start fresh with someone new. I know that "molding" a person, like you have your boyfriend, can be pretty heady, and satisfying. But that will not sustain the relationship long term.

I think you know what to do already - ya just needed a little push.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:13pm
Two things that really stand out in your post:

1) he puts you down to feel better about himself

2) He is suppose to be seeing a therapist and doesn't go. He has super issues

Then make that a condition of being with him, tell him to call you after he's got 6 months of counseling under his belt. And stick to your decision.

Focus on you and figure out why you keep trying to heal this when he's not interested in meeting you half way. Figure out why you are attracted to someone that puts you down, etc.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 5:52pm
I agree with what the other posters have said so far. You have received some excellent advise.

I also wanted to add that I think you should give the relationship a break too. I don't think you should take his calls either. What he is accusing you of is unfair. After all you have done for him and he has the nerve to put you down and accuse you of not making an effort in this relationship. Pfft! I honestly think that this is the way he is and he is not going to change. You have already broken up twice and are still having the same issues over and over again. And on top of that he refuses to take responsibility for his actions and apologize for hurting you.

I understand that you love him and become attached to him but think about it. Do you want to continue in this relationship as it is now? You have been unhappy and if you continue the relationship you will probably continue to be unhappy. You don't deserve that! Its time to start thinking about yourself and how you can make YOU happy! Give your love to someone who deserves it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:13pm
11 months, 2 break-ups, lack of affection, not interested sexually...hmm maybe this isn't working out. I thimk at this point it's your ego that keeping you holding on. You can't believe that a sexy, good looking, hot in bed woman is being rejected. I don't think you'll be happy in the long run without all of the things you're not getting that I listed above. I don't know exactly what is behiind the reason that he treats you this way, but stop allowing him to manipulate him. What he's doing is not fair to you. Good Luck!