my boyfriend says i need more sex appeal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
my boyfriend says i need more sex appeal
7
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:06pm
The other night the man im dating said i needed to work on my sex appeal. I asked him to explain what he meant. How I dress? In bed? What? He couldnt really explain it to me. All he could say is that I needed to "flirt" with him more. I dont get that because i asked him like where? out in public? He said no. He mentioned holding hands things like that, I my book thats not flirting. I asked him if flirting was like one of those club girl types, you know the ones that throw themselves at a guy with their skirt over their head, and he hates that. Im 25 he will be 30 in October. Im ust so confused because im a classy girl i carry myself with alot of pride and grace, i was raised that way. If anyone can help me find a way to obtain ths so called "sex appeal" that he wants im open to anything!
Seriously Distressed
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:32pm

He is trying to remake you into the image he wants. Honey, that won't cut. No one should try to remake someone else. You are what you are, if he doesn't like the merchantise, that's his problem.

Maybe he isn't what you are looking for. If he continues to say these things to you, move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:07pm

How long ave you been dating? If it's not been long dump him if he was serious. If he wan't serious, tell him it was a bad joke.

If it has been a while and you guys are serious, then ask for clarification and see what hes getting at. Relationships all need tweaking now and then. If it's just sending him a wink now and again or bringing a bottle of wine or a good chocolate bar now and again, you might be able to accomodate. If he's suggesting you say things that are not genuine and change your wardrobe substantially... that'd be a deal breaker for me.

If you want to pursue things with him, maybe suggest that he make more constructive comments like: "I like it when we rub knees at the movie." or " It was enjoyable when you 'accidentally' brushed my fanny with your hand at the picnic."

This is a way he can express what he enjoys most about you without making idiodic statements.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:11pm
Could he mean affection? Before you go dumping him, see if he can elaborate on what he means by sex appeal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 8:24am

If you carry yourself with a lot of class, I sincerely doubt he meant that he wants you to turn into a club girl or what have you. If his first example of what he wants is hand holding, then I sincerely doubt he wants you to change the person you are or how you dress.

Ask him (WITHOUT assuming or interjecting your ideas) what he meant by that. Ask him for a few more examples, and if they're not unreasonable, incorporate them. I mean, really, what do you have to lose? Nothing. What do you have to gain? A whole lot. It's doubtful he's going to ask you to swing from the chandeliers. Holding hands, doing the little eye-lock then looking away and smiling, putting your hand on his chest when you're standing close because OMG-you-just-can't-get-enough-of-his-macho, stuff like that, it's all just playful and none of it will kill you or lower your classiness. I'm thinking that some of this class and grace you carry yourself with *might* be coming across a little aloof? What do you think?

Realize not all men have the right words to express themselves. I think it's great that 1. you both even had this conversation and that 2. instead of getting all personally offended, you're out there trying to find some solutions, that speaks well for you both.

Amazing, women are always up in arms over the fact that "men don't discuss what they want" and let one guy do it but not in the right way, and he needs to be dumped for saying stupid things. No wonder men don't understand women.

Have a great day!

~~.: Sandra :.~~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 12:40pm

Welcome to the board sexy_as_hell,


I think there is a communication problem LOL - he's calling it 'sex appeal' when he means physical affection, gestures, like hand holding.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:01pm

Each woman has her own form of sex appeal and there are certain men who will be drawn to her and others will not. Many men love a classy woman and find her very appealing. You cannot change who you are, or twist yourself into a pretzel to fulfill your boyfriend's fantasy. This can make you feel unattractive, not wanted and loved for yourself. If he doesn't find you appealing (which may be just an excuse for his own problems with his own sexuality), then he's not the right one for you and you're not the right one for him. This is not something that is healthy to live with in a relationship. You've asked him specifically what he means and he has no real answer. That can make you feel as though there is something basically deficient with who you are. Tell him you need to know what he really means. Get clear and get specific. And if he doesn't find you appealing, go and find yourself someone who does, who cherishes you just as you are.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 10:35pm

He's telling you, you need to work on your sex appeal yet he can't define what he means. That tells me the problem lies with him and he is using blaming language to make it seem like it's your fault!

Don't jump through any hoops for this guy. He apparently doesn't know what he wants but you don't appear to be it.

Men are responsible for what they say and how they say it. They are not stupid and to use the phrase "sex appeal" and suggest that you are somehow lacking is not a healthy way of communicating even if he is ONLY a man.