My boyfriend's addicted to the computer!
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| Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:14am |
When we first started dating, I would get after him all the time for his computer usage. It annoyed him to no end and he resisted and got angry with me when I told him in a blunt manner that I wasn't happy with him being on the computer so much. I then attempted to reason with him - by making less frequent plans and by trying to organize something I thought would be fun for the both of us. But alas, that was to no avail. He would get home from work or school and sit down in front of the computer and never leave. He would still say "Yes I am coming over" but he would either cancel, or just come over much later than planned. Usually he would arrive at my house by the time I was ready for bed. I used to always go down to his house, but I got annoyed when he sat in front of the computer (or the TV, which is another issue....) and all I did was sit there and wait. I started coming over less frequently, since that way I could get stuff done while he played on the computer. I am really at a loss. Getting angry didn't work. Reasoning didn't work. I try to see it from his perspective - which is that he needs to relax and unwind. I can completely understand that, but this is at the point of being obsessive. There are days when he will only leave to go to the bathroom; he will have someone else bring his dinner up to his room!
We have had some major issues in the last few weeks which we are trying to work through. Things were going great for a while, but now that he has his own computer, I hardly see him or speak to him. I really want to work things out, but I can't seem to compete with the internet. What should I do? I really care about him and I don't want to lose him...

Pianoguy spends much too much of his free time at the computer...so in a way, it's easy to relate! Only thing is...there's work, chores, hobbies and an adorable, almost 12 year old border collie who all demand a portion of his life! The computer is like a drug...it CAN be very addictive...if you "Let It Be!"
Here's a thought...
What would happen if you made yourself INVISIBLE for a few weeks? Maybe even a month? No communication...no visits...no "plans" for a date! Do you think your b/f would wake up, leave the terminal, and take the time to call you? ! But think about this alternative, okay? Sometimes absence is a good thing? Don't make a production out of it...just DISAPPEAR!
To be honest, the only reason I can see why you're being IGNORED is because you're starting to act like a MOM...and not a girlfriend! If you've been nagging him about spending less time in front of the screen...and more time with you...he probably has decided that the computer is...err...quieter?
Personally...I think it's RUDE, THOUGHTLESS and CHILDISH to make a date to spend time with another person...and make him or her "sit around and wait!" And apparently, this is something your b/f doesn't want to consider. So if the computer is the most important possession in his life...let him use it!
In the meantime, YOU need to find a man who is "addicted to love"---and not to the internet! I'll bet he's out there for you? What's wrong with using some of your new free time to do a little exploring???
Pianoguy
Where as I'm not so keen about talking about myself in third person, I have to agree with PianoGuy. If this boyfriend of yours finds the computer a lot more appealing than you then I think it's time to pull the plug on this relationship.
You've been together for a while, so I know that it's not easy.
Addictions of any kind are hard to break. I, myself, was addicted to the internet as well. It got to the point where I would be at a store or a movie and all I could think about was getting back online. Why? I honestly don't know. I thought that I might miss something while i was gone. A conversation, a change in a website that I visited.
I would even beg my friends to let me use their computer while I visited them.
Pathetic, no?
My opinion about the computer addiction (or tv addiction or any kind of addiction) is to escape one's present situation. I would get online because I could be somebody else for a while. I had friends that I could talk to for hours and hours about nothing.
It's sad, it's pathetic, but it's true. Thankfully, I've outgrown it and I'm able to look back and laugh at myself.
If you have the paitience and if you think it's worth it, keep pounding on his head. Perhaps one of these days you might actually make a dent in his shiny smooth brain. (They say more wrinkles and folds in your brain the smarter you are.)
However, I'd take PianoGuy's advice and use that extra time you have to look for somebody else who would find a REAL woman more attractive than a Cyber one. Some people are just hopeless and there is little you can do for them.
Hope to hear how everything turns out!
Why would you want to work things out with him? He sounds like a selfish, computer-addicted loser -- what do you like about him? What are the good parts of your relationship?
I was married to a man like this - it was a nightmare - if I were you, I would walk, but that's just me.
Coolas
Oh dear. I know of others with internet addiction and you as the "co-addict" have to treat it like alcohol or drug addiction. One way is to go to an Al-Anon type program for yourself. With an addict, until that person sees it as a problem, you have a very hard battle to fight. You need to set limits and follow them. What are the things that you absolutely will not tolerate, let him know what you will do if, for instance, he blows you off again and follow through with what you say (the hard part).
It's usually not until people lose a job or relationship, something significant, that they realize this is not just a hobby or a relaxing activity and it is having a detrimental effect on their life.
If you don't believe it's a true addiction, it is compulsive behavior that is negatively affecting your relationship. That is a problem.