My boyfriends personal ad

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
My boyfriends personal ad
4
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:35pm
I have been seeing a man for two years. About a week ago I discovered he had set up a personal ad and a secret e-mail address to receive matches at. He had been looking at matches on my computer when I wasn't there and I noticed the thumbnails). At first he told me he set it up before we met and he was just curious, but then I was curious, so I hacked into the secret e-mail address and discoverd he had set it up four months ago. I was devistated. I confronted him. He said that he just set it up because he was curious if he would be found attractive and interesting to other women. It was just an ego thing. He said the "favorites" he had selected were going to be sent to his guy friends (he does have many single male friends). He said it was stupid and if he could take anything back, it would be this. He said, for the first time, that he loved me and he sent me flowers. He said he never responded to any of his "matches" (and this, I know, is true, because you have to pay to respond and his ad profile said he had not subscribed.

He took off the ad, deleted the e-mail and I after a weekend of tears, I told him I we could forget it and move forward. The problem is I still don't know if I believe him and I no longer trust him. This is all foreign to me. Should I stay with him? How can I get past this?

Before this happened I thought he was the one, and I thought more than anyone else before, I could trust him.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 5:40pm
I'm afraid most of what you've asked only you can answer. *Are* you willing to try to rebuild the trust? Think about everything else that you know about him. Has he given you any other reason not to trust him? Is he generally forthright and open in communicating with you about things? How willing are you to work on trusting him again?

Clearly, the issue is not over for you. I would take some time to mull things over. You are confused and hurt right now. Once the initial confusion passes, you will be able to address the situation in a more clear minded manner. Go to him with any questions you have, as often as you need to, to get answers and to help you get through this. When you do bring it up again, do so in as nonconfrontational manner as you can, and talk to him honestly and openly about how you feel, and what other questions you have about his behavior. Has he done other things to get an ego boost? Why does he feel his ego needs to be boosted by other women, at all? Why can't his single male friends set up their own personal ads?

Personally, I do think it's a little odd. Why look for ego boosting from other women if he is happy in his relationship? But the only way you are going to find out is by asking him. But it ultimately comes down to you. Do you want to work on rebuilding the trust? Is the relationship worth it to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:13pm
I actually did ask him why he looked for ego boosting in other women and he said "don't you like to know that other men find you attractive?" And the truth is I do. Of course, I don't say I'm available for dating, but I do understand the need for affirmation of continuing to be considered "hot".

Mostly I hate the fact that this has changed me from happy, relaxed and in-love, to psycho, suspicious, insecure, preoccupied and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:42pm
I TOTALLY know what you mean!!! It drives me crazy. And now I also think that if he could go onto an online dating service, what has happened or what has he done that I don't know about??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:04pm
That's exactly how I feel. I keep looking for signs of other lies. I feel like I will never againg be able to let my guard down and just believe I could be loved without lies and betrayal.