My boyfriends stressing me out
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My boyfriends stressing me out
| Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:14pm |
Recently I've been having problems with my boyfriend of 1 year. Since we're both in school I only see him like once during the week and sometimes once on the weekend. I explained to him that i felt like he never takes me around his friends (who he hangs out with on the weekends) and he doesnt respond. I hardly see him as it is and the other day he told me i should spend more time with my friends. He tells me he misses me and he wants to see me but he doesnt always act like he does. Also we work together so when we are at work he flirts with every girl he comes across. it makes me very jealous and hurts my feelings. i tried to talk to him about it and he swares on everything he doesnt flirt but he definately does. im not the only one whose noticed. When i did say something to him he gets angry and defensive and wont talk about it. He never admits to anything, so what should i do? He is 18 and im 19.. hes in his last year of highschool and im in my second year of college. Does that have anything to do with this? We love each other but i dont know what to do.Hes stressing me out and and im getting depressed. Can you help me?

He is telling you to spend time with your friends, that way you will stop trying to spend time with him. Are you completely sure he spends time with his friends when he says he does? because if he won't take you around, and if he is flirting with other women, it is quite possible he is seeing someone else and just telling you he is with friends.
If I were you, I would stop wasting my time with a high schooler. If a guy likes you, he will make time for you. He will let you hang out with him and his friends (not all the time, but sometimes) and he would not flirt with other girls.
And if you can't even talk to him - you said you tried to address the problems, but he gets defensive and won't talk - how can you expect to have a healthy relationship with him?
Reading material:
Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
By Rinatta Paries
The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.
There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.
If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.
Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.
Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Man/Woman Watching
Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Romantic Contact From Other People
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?
I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.
If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.
You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.
6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.
If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.
7. 'It's All Your Fault'
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.
However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?
You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.
Carrie