My boyfriend's white lies

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
My boyfriend's white lies
12
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 6:05am

Hello,

My boyfriend Thomas and I have been together for a little over a year now. We met while I was working in London (I'm American, he's British) and six months into our relationship we had to spend six months apart while I went back to the US to wrap some things up. We had a 'successful' time spent apart - i.e. - we gained a stronger trust, we visited each other (he came over three times!) and spoke frequently on the phone. I never once doubted his trust or loyalty. He even told me when he ran into his ex girlfriend of 3 years (and his first love, whom he dated just before me) who caused me some serious insecurities beginning when she called drunkenly at 4 am while I was sleeping at his house and he consoled her down in the lounge - away from me - even though she called 3 times and woke me up on the 4th. So I felt like our lines of communication were open and honest.

Then, around Christmas last December, I asked him casually if he and his ex had said merry Christmas to each other. He flatly said no. I found that surprising, assuming they had, as I did with one of my recent exes. Later, he was checking his e-mail and I was sitting next to him, and sure enough, there his ex's name was with the subject line: Merry Christmas Kate .. meaning not only had they said merry Christmas, HE said it first. I confronted him about this and he said he lied because he was worried I would be upset (due to my insecurities, which have now dissipated for the most part) by it so he just decided not to tell me. I told him - never lie to me again. I will not trust you if you continue to tell little lies like this. He told me I was 'amazing' for 'understanding why he did it' and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again.

I was still upset about it, wondering what else he might have fibbed about, but I let it go trying not to hold onto it.

Fast forward to this June - I've moved to London because I got a scholarship for school and we've moved in together. I find out that he lied about none of his friends living in an area where we were considering renting an apartment, when really, his ex girlfriend lived there when she first moved to London. WHY would he lie about that? I'm a reasonable woman - when I say I had insecurities, I mean normal insecurities which I took upon myself to work through and rise above - not always thinking that he's cheating or being unfaithful or calling her or any of those things. I don't ever think he would be unfaithful.

Then, the most recent lie - yesterday. I was home sick and went onto our computer and was looking in the history for a website I couldn't remember. There I saw all of these porn sites - probably 20 different links or more. It was from Monday, and he wasn't at work that day and I was. So, I assumed he looked at them and while I wasn't at all upset, I was a little surprised because I didn't think he was overly into porn (no more than the next guy I mean). So I texted him and said 'babe, did you look at lots of porn on the computer?' A few minutes later - if that - he called me back saying 'Oh, don't worry about it, my computer was hacked into by an internet connection I used and now I get all kinds of weird sites on there.' (I wasn't born yesterday and wasn't buying it - and was now wondering why he would lie to me about this) I said, 'no, this was Monday honey. So it had to be you then. It's no big deal, I don't care if you looked at porn, I just was a little surprised.' I gave him SO many chances to just come clean and made sure he knew I wasn't angry (and wasn't going to BE angry if he said he had!) and he still insisted he did not and 'I'll look at it when I get home, that's really weird.' I could tell he was trying to drop it too, hoping I'd forget it. When he got home he stalled too - and he BROUGHT FLOWERS. Now, that sounds cynical, but he's only bought them for me once before - and I felt like he was trying to butter me up. Even though he is sweet and wonderful in so many ways, I just felt like they weren't genuine.

So, later that evening I said, 'so are you going to check your computer for those websites?' He said, 'Oh yeah, I will.' And I then confronted him again and said, 'Tom, I know you looked at them. Why aren't you telling me?' He and I both started laughing, and I was hoping to show him I wasn't mad, and he finally admitted it. I told him, much like before (though this doesn't seem to work) - never lie to me or you'll lose my trust.

Now I'm so confused. he tells these little white lies - especially about anything concerning his ex-girlfriend, and I am beginning to wonder if I can trust him.

Any thoughts on this would be so helpful as we have quite a serious relationship and I'm considering whether the whole foundation of it is actually not stable like I thought it was.

I'm very upset about it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

HS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:51am

You keep trying to put on this facade where you say you wouldn't care if he talked to his ex or looked at porn. But if you didn't care you wouldn't be texting him as soon as you find porn sites in his computer history, or asking him unprovoked if he said merry Christmas to his ex. Of course you care, and he knows it. That's why he's lying.

That's not to say that he SHOULD be lying to you. But you need to figure out some course of action, rather than thinking of something to ask him, catching him in a white lie, and getting upset. You're not fighting this productively. What you CAN do is let him know how you feel about him talking to his ex or looking at porn and come to a compromise regarding what is acceptable. He's acting this way toward you because you don't have any set boundaries regarding these things, and he assumes that you're going to react badly if you hear something you don't like. So rather than picking things to get upset about, TELL him what you will or will not tolerate. And if you're going to get upset at if he sent an Email to his ex, don't ask him to tell you about it. If their correspondence is something that is a deal-breaker for you then let him know.

The way I see it is this, there are two kinds of issues here... Serious issues that are deal-breakers for you, and trivial issues that you should make an effort to ignore. You have to figure out which ones are which. You are allowed, of course, to tell your guy that he's not allowed to lie to you. BUT you should not be cornering him over little things over which you have no intention of having a serious discussion and coming to a compromise/solution. I have a feeling he will stop these dumb little lies of his if he doesn't feel like you're scrutinizing him over little stuff. Good luck, I hope he comes around.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:43am

Well, first off, these aren't "white lies"--those are the kind you tell to not hurt someone's feelings ("yes, Grandma, the pot roast is delicious" when it's not, that type of thing). Don't whitewash his lying.

And second, you already made clear to him that you would not tolerate him lying to you again, yet here you are--you know you're being lied to and instead of walking you're giving him another chance? What's up with that?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:50am

Welcome to the board hs849704,


I can understand you being upset about his lies and worried. You have asked him repeatedly to stop lying to you and he hasn't done it. You have to decide what you are going to do about it. You have to show to him that you will not allow him to keep lying to you. I would ask him to go to couples counseling with you to work through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:21pm

HI hs849704,

I see this a little differently than the previous two posters. Of course he shouldn't be lying to you, he should just be honest with you and communicate with you...but perhaps, like eggbertshootsfire mentioned, you are scrutinizing all of these very trivial things that make him feel like he CAN'T be honest with you?

Do you think he still has feelings for his ex? Did the two of you discuss comfort levels about communications with exes? Has he remained friends with his previous girlfriends? Honestly, nothing you have mentioned is remotely "crossing the line", in my humble opinion -- lots of people are able to stay friends with their exes after they break up, and wishing them a "Merry Christmas" or consoling them when they are having a tough time is what friends do. Were you clear with him about what is acceptable to you in a partner in regards to exes? If you are uncomfortable with a partner being friends with their exes, there is certainly nothing wrong with that, but you then need to be in a relationship with someone who feels the same way. It sounds like the two of you have different feelings on this matter, assuming he doesn't still have feelings for her, and that is why he is not being honest with you about it. He probably left you to go to the lounge so that he didn't keep you up.

The same thing goes for the porn. A lot of women can't date men who watch porn because it makes them feel insecure (understandably). You MUST care if he watches porn, at least on some level, or you wouldn't have brought it up to him. Perhaps this is another thing you two need to discuss -- have you made it clear to him how you feel about porn? He was probably embarrassed that you found it, and being that you were surprised, it appears you weren't aware of his habits.

You mentioned in your post that your insecurities have gone away for the most part, but you're holding things against him that may just be part of who he is. If the two of you haven't talked about these sorts of issues, then of course you're going to run into problems. He shouldn't be lying to you about these little things, but you shouldn't be putting him in a position where he feels like he has to.

Good luck, and please keep us posted!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:45pm

It's a completely lame rationalization for anyone to say that they didn't "feel" they could be honest.

People ALWAYS have a choice to be honest, or not. Honest people, people with integrity, choose to be honest, even when it's not easy, even when being honest will have negative consequences, even when it will upset the other person.

It may well be true that's why the OP's BF lied. But it's no excuse and I don't see how anyone can have respect for someone who would rationalize lying in that way (and of course you can't trust someone who would do that).

Trust is crucial in an intimate relationship--you need to know that your partner is going to tell you the truth, no matter what, otherwise there's no way to build trust with your partner. Big things or little things--doesn't matter. Someone who rationalizes lying about so-called small things will use the same rationalization for the big things.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:58pm

Hi Sheri,

I'm certainly NOT saying its ok for him to lie to her. I believe I said so in my post. But she isn't being completely honest with him, either. She hasn't been clear about how she feels about these things, and she's making him feel bad for it. She isn't communicating with him about her needs and specifications, and yet she holds these against him.

Of course you should trust your partner -- I completely agree that its crucial. But as "lame" as his reasoning is for not being honest with her, she also has some responsibility. My long-term boyfriend has a similar problem with his parents, and to some degree, with me (I am in the process of teaching him that I will not bite his head off if he makes a mistake). They make him feel awful about things in his life that are either simply a part of his personality or over which he has no control (like being fired after another co-worker lied about him). Consequently, he doesn't tell them the whole truth when something bad happens because they make him feel awful about himself, like he is always wrong. I see a very similar dynamic in the OP's post, although perhaps not on such a deep level.

Of course its wrong to lie, and its hurtful, and it doesn't get anywhere -- but imagine being made to feel like someone's watching you and judging you for seemingly trivial things or things that you have no control over. They BOTH need to either actually DISCUSS all of these important things with each other, or they need to see other people.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:33am

I understand what you're saying but I can't agree that another person's behavior makes that person somehow responsible for their partner making the choice to lie. If the OP's BF feels he will be judged negatively by her for his actions (or whatever), then he needs to speak up and talk it through, rather than lie. That's the mature, adult way to handle things--at least for a person who values honesty. One's own integrity shouldn't be dependent on how someone else behaves.

As I see it, the problem in the OP's situation is, once someone's made the choice to lie, trust is lost and it's nearly impossible to get back. She now knows something important about his character--that faced with the choice of being honest or taking the easy road and lying, he'll take the easy road. So even if she were to discuss things with him at this point, that's not going to change his character or make it possible for her to trust him going forward. That's especially true given the fact that the OP talked to him about the lie he told about the Merry Christmas email with his ex and he said he understood and agreed to be honest with her going forward--yet he has chosen to lie to her again, and not just once. I could see trying to work things out if the first lie had been the only one, but it's not. So that's why I don't see much hope for this relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:38pm

I don't think anyone is trying to argue that the boyfriend is justified in lying, and yes obviously we all have a choice to be honest when we can. We all SHOULD. I just have to say that Trust is a concept that is not relegated to the idea of being honest or lying. Perhaps he can't trust her not to overreact or scrutinize him over trivial things? While I think he should be man enough to be honest with her regardless, it is human nature (certainly of men) to hide things when they have been known to create a bad reaction. It's an explanation for his behavior and not an excuse.

I have to give advice on these boards the way I do because I realize they are being written by one person, and I simply can't tell that person's spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend how to act. We can only help the people writing here to change themselves or their own perspectives. If there's something that SHE can do to change her situation, then I think she should do it. It doesn't excuse his lying but the way this whole interaction is set up, we can't admonish him to his face and tell him that he's wrong. When trying to change someone else's behavior, you have to either start at the way YOU are acting, or realize that the other person is who they are and to take them or leave them for that.

I think your advice is probably right and I'm not arguing with you, I am just offering an explanation for why we have told the OP that her own actions might be part of the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:20pm

The foundation is not even remotely stable - you CANNOT trust someone who lies to you. As for the porn, I'm about as anti-porn as a person can be and I'm fine with it. It seems to me that you are pretending to be oaky with it as many women do because it's something you feel you're supposed to be accepting about. If you had seen that he was looking at world news all day would you question him? Probably not because no little alarms of discomfort or mistrust would be triggered. He planted the seeds of mistrust with the first lie about the ex.

I agree with the other posters that you need to define your boundaries but I'm of the mind that with someone who so easily slips into lying the results would have been the same. Liars lie because they are hiding something and you can NEVER trust someone who isn't comfortable enough in their thoughts and behaviors to be honest about them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 7:59pm
I hope the issue here isnt about the porn but about the lying. He should not be lying to you about anything, the least of which is porn. I guess it depends on how you feel about porn and maybe he feels you would be extremely upset if he found out you were watching it. Even if you oppose him watching porn, this is something you need to talk about and he certainly should not be hiding it. I always feel like 'smaller' lies turn into bigger lies but the liar doesnt see the difference as he/she has been telling smaller ones all along anyway....

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