My boyfriend's white lies
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| Fri, 08-10-2007 - 6:05am |
Hello,
My boyfriend Thomas and I have been together for a little over a year now. We met while I was working in London (I'm American, he's British) and six months into our relationship we had to spend six months apart while I went back to the US to wrap some things up. We had a 'successful' time spent apart - i.e. - we gained a stronger trust, we visited each other (he came over three times!) and spoke frequently on the phone. I never once doubted his trust or loyalty. He even told me when he ran into his ex girlfriend of 3 years (and his first love, whom he dated just before me) who caused me some serious insecurities beginning when she called drunkenly at 4 am while I was sleeping at his house and he consoled her down in the lounge - away from me - even though she called 3 times and woke me up on the 4th. So I felt like our lines of communication were open and honest.
Then, around Christmas last December, I asked him casually if he and his ex had said merry Christmas to each other. He flatly said no. I found that surprising, assuming they had, as I did with one of my recent exes. Later, he was checking his e-mail and I was sitting next to him, and sure enough, there his ex's name was with the subject line: Merry Christmas Kate .. meaning not only had they said merry Christmas, HE said it first. I confronted him about this and he said he lied because he was worried I would be upset (due to my insecurities, which have now dissipated for the most part) by it so he just decided not to tell me. I told him - never lie to me again. I will not trust you if you continue to tell little lies like this. He told me I was 'amazing' for 'understanding why he did it' and he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again.
I was still upset about it, wondering what else he might have fibbed about, but I let it go trying not to hold onto it.
Fast forward to this June - I've moved to London because I got a scholarship for school and we've moved in together. I find out that he lied about none of his friends living in an area where we were considering renting an apartment, when really, his ex girlfriend lived there when she first moved to London. WHY would he lie about that? I'm a reasonable woman - when I say I had insecurities, I mean normal insecurities which I took upon myself to work through and rise above - not always thinking that he's cheating or being unfaithful or calling her or any of those things. I don't ever think he would be unfaithful.
Then, the most recent lie - yesterday. I was home sick and went onto our computer and was looking in the history for a website I couldn't remember. There I saw all of these porn sites - probably 20 different links or more. It was from Monday, and he wasn't at work that day and I was. So, I assumed he looked at them and while I wasn't at all upset, I was a little surprised because I didn't think he was overly into porn (no more than the next guy I mean). So I texted him and said 'babe, did you look at lots of porn on the computer?' A few minutes later - if that - he called me back saying 'Oh, don't worry about it, my computer was hacked into by an internet connection I used and now I get all kinds of weird sites on there.' (I wasn't born yesterday and wasn't buying it - and was now wondering why he would lie to me about this) I said, 'no, this was Monday honey. So it had to be you then. It's no big deal, I don't care if you looked at porn, I just was a little surprised.' I gave him SO many chances to just come clean and made sure he knew I wasn't angry (and wasn't going to BE angry if he said he had!) and he still insisted he did not and 'I'll look at it when I get home, that's really weird.' I could tell he was trying to drop it too, hoping I'd forget it. When he got home he stalled too - and he BROUGHT FLOWERS. Now, that sounds cynical, but he's only bought them for me once before - and I felt like he was trying to butter me up. Even though he is sweet and wonderful in so many ways, I just felt like they weren't genuine.
So, later that evening I said, 'so are you going to check your computer for those websites?' He said, 'Oh yeah, I will.' And I then confronted him again and said, 'Tom, I know you looked at them. Why aren't you telling me?' He and I both started laughing, and I was hoping to show him I wasn't mad, and he finally admitted it. I told him, much like before (though this doesn't seem to work) - never lie to me or you'll lose my trust.
Now I'm so confused. he tells these little white lies - especially about anything concerning his ex-girlfriend, and I am beginning to wonder if I can trust him.
Any thoughts on this would be so helpful as we have quite a serious relationship and I'm considering whether the whole foundation of it is actually not stable like I thought it was.
I'm very upset about it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
HS.

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Dear all,
Thank you for replying to my post and taking the time to pass on your advice and thoughts. I greatly appreciate it.
First, it must be said that the issue was always about him lying - not the particular subjects of the lies per-say. I only ask to be 'in the know' about his ex - I do not mind if he chooses to be friends with her (though they haven't and he says he has no interest in doing so), just to be in the know - to be told when they speak or if they plan to meet up, things like. I have spoken to him about this. He has told me since then if they have spoken etc.
Secondly, we had a long discussion after he lied about the porn so I could discover why he felt he had to lie to me as he knows I don't mind if he watched porn - we have watched it together. I asked him if patterns with his ex (she was very insecure, jealous and had very very low self-esteem - in his words) is affecting his actions now with me. He said his ex was a tough work, as in, she was always accusing him for things he hadn't done, he also said that she would create big big issues out of absolutely nothing and she always was sort of on his ass about everything. He said that he lied because he didn't want something small to become something big because there is too much on the line (us) and he didn't want to threaten that. He said, 'we're still learning about each other, and I'm obviously taking a look at my old habits with my ex, as you're a different woman and I need to learn that you won't necessarily respond to things like she did.' I told him it wasn't fair to assume that I would respond ANY particular way and instead he should give me a CHANCE to respond to the truth as I do.
He apologized for lying and I told him, I will accept you for everything that you are, but I can't accept lying. If it becomes a pattern then this will not work. He agreed.
I agreed with some of your responses and disagreed with others. I don't believe we have a totally corrupt foundation nor do I believe our relationship is, more or less, doomed. I think we are a stage where we're getting rid of previous habits from past relationships and learning about each other. I do not believe his lies are malicious.
I do have certain insecurities, but I don't think I nitpick him or get mad at him for little things. The things we talk about are things I see that may threaten our foundation - which I want to nip in the bud if that's so.
I think he will be honest with me in the future, and if he isn't then my reaction will be very different.
Again, thanks for your replies.
HS
Well, now that you've had this same conversation AGAIN (is this the 2nd or 3rd time now?), I hope it works out for you.
I just don't think that if he were really capable of changing it would have been necessary to say the same thing to him again. Plus I'm not really seeing any acknowledgement in what you wrote about what he said that he thinks lying is wrong--he seems to think it's perfectly justified if it avoids conflict. But I hope for your sake that I'm wrong.
Sheri
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