My daughters x has brainwashed her how can I help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2011
My daughters x has brainwashed her how can I help?
6
Wed, 02-05-2014 - 6:13am

Hi, I will just nightlight a few things, my daughter gets engaged all is good, he moved in with us. His home is a 4 hour drive away and he works shifts here and he would return home on his 4 days off and go out getting blind drunk with mates spending lots of money, my daughter did not mind this.  I used to think hey my daughters got the day off and he is off why not stay a day with her and then go but no he always went but I let that go.  She had to have major surgey and guess what he left didn't even see her to theatre that's when I went off him he posted drunk pics on facebook not even knowing if she was dead!. She let it go. Anyway he lays in bed hiding his phone while messaging people she finds his password and oh lots of women he's chasing asking out pretending to be single she confronts him he says he was hacked, she let's it go again.  This carries on he lays in bed she gets breakfast everyday even when just out if hospital. She's at work on day he's out all day again on the beer no reply all day from him then a pic comes up on the iPad of him and a woman that he's just sent to a friend from his phone with the reply get het shagged!! My daughter confronts him and the next morning he leaves I confronted him too.  He tells my daughter he's done nothing wrong it's all my fault.  He returns 4 days later and collects his things also tried to take her dog I phone police he had the insurance policy with him saying he's his dog but he's her dog. he told my daughter he didn't want to take him but yet he bought paperwork and sent me a tx saying I had stoLen his dog! And was taking him.Yet still my daughter doesn't see it. Well then he's got someone pregnant within 2 days of leaving but says he never had sex with her!! Yet he went with her to have birth registered in his name. Then while this one was pregnant he got another girlfriend so he then had 3 on the go because he still saw my daughter when he worked this way. He tells my daughter it's all her fault and everyone is lying he's done nothing wrong she keeps on seeing him. Why can't I get through to her! Everyone tells her she has counselling but still she just doesn't see what a scumbag he is. He says if she never talks to the other women he will have her back and she has to move and live near him. She has been talking to the others on email and the other 2 have realised what he's doing but she just can't seem to see it. This has been going on for a year now. she seems willing to forgive him everything but I know he will never change he told her he's stopped seeing girlfriend number 2 but he hadn't because she he email her and she told her. How can I get through to her please I've tried everything kindness, shouting, crying, nothing works,he seems to enjoy tormenting her she asked him to drive to see her he said I am driving and sent her a pic he was driving to the pub! She doesn't even see he was taking the piss 

Avatar for ubergeek
Community Leader
Registered: 09-23-2010

Hi I'm sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this. Honestly, it sounds like one of those instances where she'll eventually have to come to terms with it on her own. Sounds like an awful situation though. :( I really wish you all the best and hope that she'll come around sooner rather than later. 

One thing though: I wouldn't keep pushing at him. It could be one of the instances where the more you talk badly about him, the more she wants/defends him. I would just let her know that she's always welcome at your house if she wants to get away, etc. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but she sounds very young and inexperienced.  Is this guy her first b/f?  You didn't mention her father.......are you divorced from him?  What was your marriage like?  If it was bad, and she grew up around it, she thnks this is the way it is for everyone.  Somewhere, somehow, your daughter never learned to respect herself, and that's what she needs help with.  She needs professional help to see that she's being used, abused (mentally) and lied to.  She should NOT go live with him because then he will have her without your protection, and he will isolate you from her & her from you.  That's what abusers like this guy do.........get them away from family and friends, and then there will probably be physical abuse, too.  Try to get her to agree to some help.......quickly! 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 He did not brainwash her.   She is doing this to herself.  It is more like a drug addiction.  The fantasy world she has created is what keeps her going.  And him too.  This is a possible death sprial some time people never recover.  Victor Hugo's daughter was one such.  She is going to need expert help.  But she needs to be willing.  You cannot force this at all.  When two people are in a destructive spiral at times they themselves have no idea why they do what they do.  IMO you get hep from a theripist with experience in this emotinal destructive spiral.  Remember the brain gives off chemicals that are more powerful than morphine.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 12:28pm

Sorry, I beg to differ!  When a "controller" gets his hook in someone, given enough time, he WILL brainwash her into believing everything he says.  It doesn't matter how weak or strong the person is, given enough time, it will happen.  I've been there, and had that done to me.  When you hear "you're stupid" or "without me you'd never survive" or "if you don't like it, I'll leave and you'll starve" or "you're old and fat and no one but me will ever want you"......and the best:  "Are you going to believe THEM, or me.....I love you, they don't".......hear that often enough, and you start believing it.  You're convinced this person really loves you, that the "other women" forced themselves on him, that all your friends are lying to you, and that soon, he'll be the loving wonderful man that you know he is........as soon as I start treating him right.  I started out hearing things like that, and saying "yeah, right" to myself......but eventually, it starts to take hold.  It IS like a drug addiction in a way.  And just as with drug addictions, first the person has to see the facts, and then be willing to walk away.  And just like drug addiction, she needs professional help to make her see that she is much better than he is, and she deserves someone better than him.  The bottom line with this kind of situation OR with drug addictions, is that there might be a SLIGHT underlying situation........"I'm too fat, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart enough" or whatever.  The first hit of a drug, or the first compliment from a "player/user" makes you feel good.  Then you want more.  With drugs, you know that eventually they'll kill you, but you go back for just a little more.  With this kind of man, it's the same.  You know he's mistreating you, but he's got you convinced that it's your fault, and you feel like "if I just try harder" he'll love me, even if I'm not worthy.  Even if she started with high self esteem, he's taken it all away from her, and that's called brainwashing.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

I almost find this story too much to believe. As long as I've been around on these boards and as many stories as I've read, this one is kind of like all of them plus the kitchen sink.

Supposing that it is true, I don't see this guy as a "brainwasher" but as a world-class jerk taking advantage of a doormat.  So how did she get that way, Mom?  Surely she didn't go from being a strong, independent thinker who exercised good judgment in her life to being captive to this idiot because of his charm and intelligence - since he doesn't seem to have any.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 9:29pm

 Fissy as this situation is described it no manupulsation that has turned toxic.  But for any scam the pidgen must cooporate.  There are many such scams.   Romance scams it may not have started out that way.  In this case it seem that both may be caught up.

dragowoman