my dh thinks sex is over-rated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
my dh thinks sex is over-rated.
15
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:08pm
I am new to this message board but see a lot of good advice here and so I hope someone can help me solve my problem.
I have been married for 4 years. The first year we conceived our son and since we had a miscarriage in the first year, I decided we would not have intercourse while I was pregnant. It worked fine and we were both happy. After our son was born, I found my dh was not interested in sex anymore. At first we used to fight about it and then, I just decided to forget about it. But it keeps bothering me as I do not like being celibate. My dh says he thinks sex is over-rated. I have tried telling him that it is a need and has to be given in too inorder to be free and to relax but he just smiles and says yes he will do something about it. We joke about it at times but we thread very carefully on this topic in order to avoid upsetting each other. Any discussions I have to try to find out how he feels and what he likes in sex gets pushed off with I think sex is over-rated. In the four years, I can litterally count on my fingers that we have only had sex about 4 to 6 times each year. I love my dh and will not want to do anything drastic like leave him, although I say that often when we fight about it.:-) I would appreciate any advice I can get on how to be more assertive in bed and how to get my dh to start liking sex. Please Help!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:52pm

Welcome to the board belled04,


What was your sex life like before you got married? Is it just that he has no desire? You might want to have him see his doctor to rule out anything medical. There was a poster recently whose husband had a medical problem and that had caused him to lose interest. What happens if you try to initiate?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:53pm

Hi Belled

What was your husband's sex drive like before you were married?

I'm just trying to figure out if he has a low libido or there's something else going on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:36pm

Welcome to the board belled04,


::I decided we would not have intercourse while I was pregnant. It worked fine and we were both happy


Sounds like you let him off the hook early.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:30pm

I would recommend "The Five Love Languages" book. Hopefully your husband will read it with you. If not, I still think it could be useful for you to read it by yourself.

Try seeing if he is willing to go to a doctor to be tested for physical problems. That is always worth checking out.

As for what you can do to get him to enjoy sex more, that is a very individual thing that varies from person to person. You have to talk to him and ask him what things turn him on the most in bed. It could be anything- particular ways you rub him, ways you moan, fantasies that you act out, etc. See if you can get him to talk about when he's enjoyed sex the most and figure out what made him enjoy it then.

Out of bed, you might want to strike a deal with him. Is there something that he wants more of from you? Maybe you can strike a deal with him that you will do him some favors that he wants if he agrees to have sex with you afterwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:39pm
My Sex drive was fine before and still is the same. I am always ready.:-) I just think he is not interested in sex at all. I found out that it was the same in the past. However, recently he went to a bachelors party and there were strippers and that got him quite desirous when he came home. So, I know everything is fine medically. I just don't know how to get his interest. I am open in telling him that it is not right that we don't have sex and arguing with him about it although I end up saying it is not worth fighting over. But I am not able to say lets have sex tonight. I have just had 2 boyfriends before my husband and have not experimented very much. Besides I know he is tired and so I let it pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:48pm

I want to thank everyone who welcomed me and responded to my help request. I already am beginning to feel more positive. I am going to get the books that was recommended and try to read it along with my DH. Hopefully we can work this out and figure out what is going to work for us.

Thanks again to each and everyone of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:32am

Hi iv_aisha2004 thank you for your response.

My dh's sex drive before marriage was the same. He gets interested once in a while and enjoys it when he does but he is not into it completely. How can I find out if he has a low libido? And if he does what can I do to make it better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:40am

Hi Carrie,
Yes I probably did let him off the hook early but we used to have a good time with oral sex and I did not think it would get so bad. After having our baby, I thought maybe he was not interested as he saw me nursing our son (especially since he would avoid my breast). Then, he just stopped showing interest and was tired a lot. I admit I am tired too since our son keeps us busy. But I needed to unwind while he needed to sleep.

He is not into porn. I tried getting his interest in it but he just isn't interested.

I spoke to him about counselling, but he is not sure if that is the answer. He wants to try to make it better but most of the time is tired, ( I know it is not easy having a 3 year old son around and what makes it worse he is in our bedroom). And most nights is a restless sleeper and climbs into our bed. I have put ultimatums that we have to have sex at least once a week, it worked once and then, again something else came up and he is tired again. I am going to get the books you recommended and try to read them and hopefully, I will know how to get his interest. Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:45am

Hi Rosewater99, thank you for your tips. I am going to try talking to him. Not sure how to start though, he is person who can talk openly about business and money but when it comes to sex he will talk and smile about it but will then say ok ok we will do something about it.

On the exchange offer. Well he does not ask me for much, he is quite a content man and he is happy to have his family. I am content too but I just know I would be happier if I could just have a decent sex life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:58am
When is the last time he had a physical?

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