my dh thinks sex is over-rated.
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my dh thinks sex is over-rated.
| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:08pm |
I am new to this message board but see a lot of good advice here and so I hope someone can help me solve my problem.
I have been married for 4 years. The first year we conceived our son and since we had a miscarriage in the first year, I decided we would not have intercourse while I was pregnant. It worked fine and we were both happy. After our son was born, I found my dh was not interested in sex anymore. At first we used to fight about it and then, I just decided to forget about it. But it keeps bothering me as I do not like being celibate. My dh says he thinks sex is over-rated. I have tried telling him that it is a need and has to be given in too inorder to be free and to relax but he just smiles and says yes he will do something about it. We joke about it at times but we thread very carefully on this topic in order to avoid upsetting each other. Any discussions I have to try to find out how he feels and what he likes in sex gets pushed off with I think sex is over-rated. In the four years, I can litterally count on my fingers that we have only had sex about 4 to 6 times each year. I love my dh and will not want to do anything drastic like leave him, although I say that often when we fight about it.:-) I would appreciate any advice I can get on how to be more assertive in bed and how to get my dh to start liking sex. Please Help!!!
I have been married for 4 years. The first year we conceived our son and since we had a miscarriage in the first year, I decided we would not have intercourse while I was pregnant. It worked fine and we were both happy. After our son was born, I found my dh was not interested in sex anymore. At first we used to fight about it and then, I just decided to forget about it. But it keeps bothering me as I do not like being celibate. My dh says he thinks sex is over-rated. I have tried telling him that it is a need and has to be given in too inorder to be free and to relax but he just smiles and says yes he will do something about it. We joke about it at times but we thread very carefully on this topic in order to avoid upsetting each other. Any discussions I have to try to find out how he feels and what he likes in sex gets pushed off with I think sex is over-rated. In the four years, I can litterally count on my fingers that we have only had sex about 4 to 6 times each year. I love my dh and will not want to do anything drastic like leave him, although I say that often when we fight about it.:-) I would appreciate any advice I can get on how to be more assertive in bed and how to get my dh to start liking sex. Please Help!!!

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Just wandering through but had to say something.
I understand how the lack of sex is a problem and can sympathize with you.
He needs a physical but it sounds like it may be the situation.
It sounds like money problems are going on. I mean, you have your mother on the sofa and your kid in your room.
I don't feel comfortable with my kid in the room. One thing when they're infants another when they're 3. This is probably the biggest problem with your sex life.
Depression can kill a man's sex drive. With your living situation it wouldn't be surprising if he is depressed.
Money problems may make him feel that he has failed to be a good father and husband causing depression.
Maybe the place to start is to look at your financial/living situation. Is it possible for your mother to move out? Is she there because you need round the clock assistance or is it because she can't afford to live on her own?
If you are debt heavy maybe you need to look at ways to take care of that. For me, it was selling my house and buying a cheaper one. I was able to reduce my monthly payment and pay off some bills. I've also been combing the house for stuff I don't need and selling it.
Maybe a different or additional job is in order? For years I've had a second income from a side business that is flexible. Since I'm a single parent this was a necessity for many years. With 3 adults in the house getting a second job would be so much easier than it was for me.
Pick apart your bills. Can you get rid of cable, reduce cell phone plans, get a cheaper car, etc?
I think for many people the act of surviving just wears them down. I know it did for me for a long time. Please don't be offended by my financial stuff. I work with money for a living and have found that it is often the root of many problems. If this isn't the case then just disregard it.
I do understand that a difference in sex drive is hard. My ex always was much less interested than I was and as the years went by the disparity became greater. While sex is nice maybe some low pressure affection will ride you through. Is he willing to snuggle and be affectionate? Just curling up in bed together is wonderful. It's something that shouldn't be embarrassing if your child or mother sees it. I've found that is what I miss the most. I like sex but I truly miss having someone wrap their arms around me while I fall asleep.
Hi Lilfarmgal,
No there is no money crunch. We are very comfortable with no debt. We love my mom staying with us and it is so good for our son to have her around.
I do know what the route of the problem is. My dh has suffered from trauma at a young age due to death and this has been the main cause.
After hearing so many wonderful feedback, we had a nice long conversation. We fought a bit about it but we have come to some sort of conclusion. Yes, when we have to go for our physical, it may shed some more light on the matter, but it does not have to be done right away.
We make each other happy and that is what counts. After getting the advise and looking at some of the books, I have found that I just have to be a bit more open in getting my husband to have sex. We spoke about the situation at lenght and I believe that we will be okay.
Thanks once again to everyone for your help...:-)
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