My ED is hurting my relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
My ED is hurting my relationship.
5
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:03pm

Dr. Shoshanna,

Please help me! I've been struggling with bulimia for almost three years now. I did some outpatient treatment for about 6 months but then I moved back to CA to attend school. Anyway, I'm dating this great guy now. We've been together for about 6 months. I think I am really falling in love with him. He's funny and nice and we get along really well. I'm just worried that my ED and extreme insecurity will get the better of me and it'll destroy this great relationship.

He never says anything to put me down.. he used to rarely compliment me when we started dating but I've noticed that he will say I look pretty or something like that more often now. I know I shouldn't have to rely on him for compliments to make me feel good about myself but whatever. Anyway, this is going to sound stupid but... he had this gf about 4 years ago. It was his first real love and they dated for about 5 years. She was this tiny, itty bitty 5'0 Korean girl. Fine. Lovely. Except I'm Korean, too. And I'm not 5'0. I'm 5'10 and not superskinny either. He's never compared us or anything but I can't help feel like I must be some giant hulking monster who's been known to destroy Japanese cities in comparison to her. I am struggling with my weight and I feel that if I could just drop the weight that everything would be okay. (That's the ED, I know.) He's never said I was "beautiful" or "hot". Just "pretty", which to me is like, a second tier compliment... along with "cute." I hate hearing him compliment another girl by saying "She has a nice body" because I know he's never said or thought that about me.

Anyway, I just want to know what I can do before it's too late... and my boyfriend runs for the hills due to my billion insecurities. He knows I was once treated for an ED but we don't really talk about it. Occasionally he asks me how i'm doing with it and of course, I say, "Fine."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:17pm
I dont know why your bf is telling you another chic has a nice body. To me, that is not good at all. He should not be saying that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:55pm

Welcome the board kissy_suzuki,


Are you currently seeing a counselor for your insecurties or ed? If not, I think it would really be helpful to you. I also think you should let your bf know that you are struggling a little with your self image because of your ed. I am sure he will be understanding and I think it would be good for you to be able to him about things that are bothering you.


Also, please try to stop comparing yourself to his ex. There is will do nothing but harm you and your relationship. If he liked her so much, they would still be together.


Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:07pm

Thank you for your input.

I was seeing someone but I just got busy with school (lame, I know) and I thought I was okay and could work it out myself. (Even lamer.) I think a girl should be okay when her bf compliments another girl, right? Like, I shouldn't have a breakdown just because he says Jenna Jameson is smokin' or anything... (and she totally is!) I know he's not saying it to disrespect me.. but just that he's a dude and like me, can recognize an attractive person. I don't think he knows how much it hurts me or how badly I feel about myself. I don't want to tell him because i'm afraid that he'll just never say anything ever again (and like I said, he should be able to) or that he should now feel obligated to compliment me. It seems like a lose/lose situation.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. I'm looking into treatment options right now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:49pm

Welcome to the board kissy_suzuki,


In addition to the good advice you've already gotten, I want to send you the link to the Eating Disorders: Anorexia & Bulimia

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:05pm

hi kissy-suzuki,

I think everyone so far has given you great advice, but I just wanted to add one thing. In my humble opinion, because you have a history of struggling with a serious illness, I think you could rightfully ask your boyfriend to please be careful about complimenting other women in front of you. At least in the near future, until you feel you're back on your feet! I think your boyfriend should be sensitive to your needs and insecurites, as he wouldn't want you relapsing (I assume!), and it seems that these things he is saying contribute to your anxiety.

On another note, I agree with a previous poster about comparing yourself to his ex-girlfriend. A compliment is a compliment -- perhaps your boyfriend isn't very verbal with praise and "cute" or "pretty" is the most he can say without feeling stupid (some guys are not very emotional). Like the PP said, if he liked her so much he would still be with her!

Good luck, and please keep us posted.