My ex has me even more confused?
Find a Conversation
My ex has me even more confused?
| Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:37pm |
Help!! I had been with my husband for 4 years when we broke up, married for about 2 of those years. We have 3 children together and the last one we had while we were seperated. She is almost 3 years old.
He has confused me more and more these past 4 years I am not sure what to do. I need some advice. He and I have been seperated for over 4 these past years. I had made an attempt to file for divorce several times but could not go though with it each time. He says he is going to file, but does not have any money for it. Whatever!!! Anyhow, we have been friends for the past 3 years of our seperation, considering it was an awful breakup in the beginning. We talked occassionaly, he called to check on the kids, and such. My big problem is he and I were still seeing each other on a sexual level after the break-up, it was convenient we werent seeing anyone during this time so we decided ok, but that it would not go past the sexual level. Anyway he took the kids on a vacation with his family 2 years ago, and we were still seeing each other, the next Thursday they returned we had a quckie and the Sunday when the kids returned from the weekend with him they told me that Dad had a girlfriend. After I fell on the floor I asked calmly what do you mean? They told me that they had spent the entire weekend with her and spent the night at her house. I fell off the couch again and when I picked up my jaw from the floor I immediately called him. To my amazement he said that he told me about her and that he could not believe that I was making a big deal about the situation. I gasped and blew my lid. I went a little further than probably was needed, but I was angry, not only because we had seen each other the week before, but that he had taken my kids to a womans house that I didnt even know. We were okay after about a year and a half after we split up, talking and just being friends. He approached me about 2 and a half years ago (while he was with her) to have sex again, I didnt want to I knew what would happen, I would get emotionally attached again. He made a decision to move to another town about a year ago for a better job, so he is not in the same town anymore. This is the reason his girlfriend and he decided to call it quits. I have attempted to send him letters about how emotionally draining this was for me, but for some reason I never send it. I attempted to reconcile be he said that it was better for him to be alone, and that he could do better than me!! I cried for weeks after that conversation and told my self that never again would I allow him to say that to me again. We didnt talk for a while after that conversation. Well to make a long story short, we have been talking since he moved away sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He loves to have phone sex, and I dont mind since I am not seeing anyone now. So things have picked up again, when he comes to visit he stays at my house. The sex is great better that when we were married. He still calls and wants to have phone sex, and well I give in. I want to stop this emotional rollercoaster with him, but how do I do it? I need some advice? I still love him and maybe I think not saying no will keep him close. He has another girlfriend where he lives now and is planning on bringing her this Labor Day... Im not sure Im prepared for this again. Can someone please help me!!!! I need to know what he is doing, does he just want to play house when he comes or is he just using me for something?
He has confused me more and more these past 4 years I am not sure what to do. I need some advice. He and I have been seperated for over 4 these past years. I had made an attempt to file for divorce several times but could not go though with it each time. He says he is going to file, but does not have any money for it. Whatever!!! Anyhow, we have been friends for the past 3 years of our seperation, considering it was an awful breakup in the beginning. We talked occassionaly, he called to check on the kids, and such. My big problem is he and I were still seeing each other on a sexual level after the break-up, it was convenient we werent seeing anyone during this time so we decided ok, but that it would not go past the sexual level. Anyway he took the kids on a vacation with his family 2 years ago, and we were still seeing each other, the next Thursday they returned we had a quckie and the Sunday when the kids returned from the weekend with him they told me that Dad had a girlfriend. After I fell on the floor I asked calmly what do you mean? They told me that they had spent the entire weekend with her and spent the night at her house. I fell off the couch again and when I picked up my jaw from the floor I immediately called him. To my amazement he said that he told me about her and that he could not believe that I was making a big deal about the situation. I gasped and blew my lid. I went a little further than probably was needed, but I was angry, not only because we had seen each other the week before, but that he had taken my kids to a womans house that I didnt even know. We were okay after about a year and a half after we split up, talking and just being friends. He approached me about 2 and a half years ago (while he was with her) to have sex again, I didnt want to I knew what would happen, I would get emotionally attached again. He made a decision to move to another town about a year ago for a better job, so he is not in the same town anymore. This is the reason his girlfriend and he decided to call it quits. I have attempted to send him letters about how emotionally draining this was for me, but for some reason I never send it. I attempted to reconcile be he said that it was better for him to be alone, and that he could do better than me!! I cried for weeks after that conversation and told my self that never again would I allow him to say that to me again. We didnt talk for a while after that conversation. Well to make a long story short, we have been talking since he moved away sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He loves to have phone sex, and I dont mind since I am not seeing anyone now. So things have picked up again, when he comes to visit he stays at my house. The sex is great better that when we were married. He still calls and wants to have phone sex, and well I give in. I want to stop this emotional rollercoaster with him, but how do I do it? I need some advice? I still love him and maybe I think not saying no will keep him close. He has another girlfriend where he lives now and is planning on bringing her this Labor Day... Im not sure Im prepared for this again. Can someone please help me!!!! I need to know what he is doing, does he just want to play house when he comes or is he just using me for something?

Pages
HELP!!!
Cut the physical and emotional affair you are having with this man and do what is right for your kids. You can be on good speaking terms for the sake of the children but that doesn't mean you have to spend time and energy filling his needs.
Yes, he's using you for sex, to stay connected to you, to use you as a back up plan when he doesn't have someone in his life.
RED FLAGS:
1) He's still legally married to you
2) He has a girlfriend
3) He CHEATED on his girlfriend
::To my amazement he said that he told me about her and that he could not believe that I was making a big deal about the situation. I gasped and blew my lid. I went a little further than probably was needed, but I was angry, not only because we had seen each other the week before, but that he had taken my kids to a womans house that I didnt even know.
What amazes me is that you are upset about him sleeping with you, taking the kids to the woman's house, but you aren't upset that 1) he lied by omission and 2) he cheats.
::I didnt want to I knew what would happen, I would get emotionally attached again.
But you did it anyway right?
::I attempted to reconcile be he said that it was better for him to be alone, and that he could do better than me!! I cried for weeks after that conversation
You are NOT less than because of his action, words, choices, behavior, decisions, or the fact that he's used you. Do you have a daughter? Would you want to see her go through this? You love him. You want to be with him. I know it hurts. However, face reality, don't live in denial. Work on your self-esteem so you can say no and mean it, so you can set boundaries and move forward in your life.
Keep writing him letters about how you feel, but DO NOT send them. Burn them. Vent on paper, grieve for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, for what might have been. He's got the best of both words, all the sex he wants, two women giving him love, affection, attention and fulfilling his needs. Take yourself out of the equation.
Carrie
S
Here's also some good books to consider:
When Hope Can Kill: Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship by Lucy Papillon
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman, Connie Hatch, Richard Carlson
Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Self Matters, Phil McGraw
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
I will say a prayer for you. My best to you on your healing path.
Carrie
What you need to do is to understand yourself and the best way of relating both with him and your own feelings. There is not a formula that is going to handle this situation. There is not one answer you can use and make things all right. First you must be at home with yourself, know what's going on inside and the best way to deal with it. He cannot be your therapist. It would be good for you to seek pesonal counselling to get an objective, trained point of view about what's going on here and how best to deal with it. Counselling does not mean detaching from him. It means understanding yourself and what's going on. When you have good understanding, then the correct behavior arises by itself and is beneficial for all concerned.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
As for the email - what's done is done.... he's not going to see it the same way you see it, so don't expect him to like any boundary you set. Just keep doing what is right for you.
Carrie
Pages