My ex has me even more confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
My ex has me even more confused?
11
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:37pm
Help!! I had been with my husband for 4 years when we broke up, married for about 2 of those years. We have 3 children together and the last one we had while we were seperated. She is almost 3 years old.

He has confused me more and more these past 4 years I am not sure what to do. I need some advice. He and I have been seperated for over 4 these past years. I had made an attempt to file for divorce several times but could not go though with it each time. He says he is going to file, but does not have any money for it. Whatever!!! Anyhow, we have been friends for the past 3 years of our seperation, considering it was an awful breakup in the beginning. We talked occassionaly, he called to check on the kids, and such. My big problem is he and I were still seeing each other on a sexual level after the break-up, it was convenient we werent seeing anyone during this time so we decided ok, but that it would not go past the sexual level. Anyway he took the kids on a vacation with his family 2 years ago, and we were still seeing each other, the next Thursday they returned we had a quckie and the Sunday when the kids returned from the weekend with him they told me that Dad had a girlfriend. After I fell on the floor I asked calmly what do you mean? They told me that they had spent the entire weekend with her and spent the night at her house. I fell off the couch again and when I picked up my jaw from the floor I immediately called him. To my amazement he said that he told me about her and that he could not believe that I was making a big deal about the situation. I gasped and blew my lid. I went a little further than probably was needed, but I was angry, not only because we had seen each other the week before, but that he had taken my kids to a womans house that I didnt even know. We were okay after about a year and a half after we split up, talking and just being friends. He approached me about 2 and a half years ago (while he was with her) to have sex again, I didnt want to I knew what would happen, I would get emotionally attached again. He made a decision to move to another town about a year ago for a better job, so he is not in the same town anymore. This is the reason his girlfriend and he decided to call it quits. I have attempted to send him letters about how emotionally draining this was for me, but for some reason I never send it. I attempted to reconcile be he said that it was better for him to be alone, and that he could do better than me!! I cried for weeks after that conversation and told my self that never again would I allow him to say that to me again. We didnt talk for a while after that conversation. Well to make a long story short, we have been talking since he moved away sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He loves to have phone sex, and I dont mind since I am not seeing anyone now. So things have picked up again, when he comes to visit he stays at my house. The sex is great better that when we were married. He still calls and wants to have phone sex, and well I give in. I want to stop this emotional rollercoaster with him, but how do I do it? I need some advice? I still love him and maybe I think not saying no will keep him close. He has another girlfriend where he lives now and is planning on bringing her this Labor Day... Im not sure Im prepared for this again. Can someone please help me!!!! I need to know what he is doing, does he just want to play house when he comes or is he just using me for something?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 2:32am
My God! What a horrible person he must be and how sad that your children have such a terrible man for a father. I hope for your children's sake that you divorce this man and get counseling so you can move forward with your life. I know you must really love him, but he does not sound worthy of your love and you have to think of your children and your future happiness. I do not think that a man that has done what he has done will ever change. I would be worried about sexually transmitted diseases. I'm really sorry you are tied up in this mess, but you have the power to change it. You can't let him win at breaking you down. You have to be strong. If you are a religious person, maybe you could seek comfort through your church. You need to detach yourself from this man because it is way too destructive for you. Please be strong for your precious babies. You can find love again. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 2:56pm
Well maybe I gave you the wrong impression of him. He is a great and wonderful father, he just needs help with the relationship area. He is a great male role model for my kids and our children adore him. I think what it boils down to is I am the one that needs the help not him. He is a great guy we have fun when we are together, but sometimes we have arguements over stupid things, but we seem to get over it. As far as counseling goes, what do I do totally detach myself from him, that would be impossible because we have 3 kids we need some sort of communication dont we?? Well I am not sure what to do, I thought that maybe talking to him would do the trick, but I cannot seem to tell him what I am feeling, I guess I am afraid of hurting him again. Do I sound pathetic or what, I continue to defend him and his ways, and I know that it will not get me anywhere with him at all. So why do I do it??? Do you think I should talk to him about the way he is making me feel, actually making me crazy? Or should I just drop the conversation all together and leave him alone and only talk when necessary???

HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:28pm
You are not weak. You do not have to give in and have phone sex or real sex whenever he wants to. Don't you see what is happening? He calls you when he wants to get off. Meanwhile there is not emotional connection for him but he is dragging you in and giving you hope.

Cut the physical and emotional affair you are having with this man and do what is right for your kids. You can be on good speaking terms for the sake of the children but that doesn't mean you have to spend time and energy filling his needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:11pm
OMG - hon, please, please - great sex does NOT a relationship make.

Yes, he's using you for sex, to stay connected to you, to use you as a back up plan when he doesn't have someone in his life.

RED FLAGS:

1) He's still legally married to you

2) He has a girlfriend

3) He CHEATED on his girlfriend

::To my amazement he said that he told me about her and that he could not believe that I was making a big deal about the situation. I gasped and blew my lid. I went a little further than probably was needed, but I was angry, not only because we had seen each other the week before, but that he had taken my kids to a womans house that I didnt even know.

What amazes me is that you are upset about him sleeping with you, taking the kids to the woman's house, but you aren't upset that 1) he lied by omission and 2) he cheats.


::I didnt want to I knew what would happen, I would get emotionally attached again.

But you did it anyway right?


::I attempted to reconcile be he said that it was better for him to be alone, and that he could do better than me!! I cried for weeks after that conversation

You are NOT less than because of his action, words, choices, behavior, decisions, or the fact that he's used you. Do you have a daughter? Would you want to see her go through this? You love him. You want to be with him. I know it hurts. However, face reality, don't live in denial. Work on your self-esteem so you can say no and mean it, so you can set boundaries and move forward in your life.

Keep writing him letters about how you feel, but DO NOT send them. Burn them. Vent on paper, grieve for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, for what might have been. He's got the best of both words, all the sex he wants, two women giving him love, affection, attention and fulfilling his needs. Take yourself out of the equation.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:32pm
OMG!!! You actually made me cry at this response, because yes you are absolutely right. I am being used, he does have the best of both worlds, a wife that gives him whatever he wants with none of the marital strings attached and a girlfriend with whom he can spend time with and enjoy!!!! Yea this sucks I really need to get a hold of myself and look at the picture from the outside. Hell no I wouldnt want my daughter to go through this agony and pain that I put myself through. I will consider your advice on what I should do, maybe venting on paper is the best thing for me to do. I love him very much but I left him!!! He never gave me what I deserved and when we broke up all the things I wanted he gave to her (time, love, energy to try to communicate). He never did that for me ever... And why do I want to keep him, why do I want him back??? I will think about this long and hard!!! Thanks a lot for your message it really went to my heart and I will remember this. God Bless...


S

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:40pm
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It can be very hard to find your self-worth. Maybe some short-term counseling would help.

Here's also some good books to consider:

When Hope Can Kill: Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship by Lucy Papillon

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman, Connie Hatch, Richard Carlson

Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding

Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher

I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

I will say a prayer for you. My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:40am
Thanks I will consider those books. But you will be happy to know that I had a converstaion with him last night and he understood why. He told me that he wasnt aware of the feelings I was having for him again and that it didnt bother him because his feeling werent the same?? I was confused, but anyhow I asked him to stop calling and asking me for sex... He said that he respected my decision and that he would only call when he wants to talk to our children.. What do you think??
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 10:49am

What you need to do is to understand yourself and the best way of relating both with him and your own feelings. There is not a formula that is going to handle this situation. There is not one answer you can use and make things all right. First you must be at home with yourself, know what's going on inside and the best way to deal with it. He cannot be your therapist. It would be good for you to seek pesonal counselling to get an objective, trained point of view about what's going on here and how best to deal with it. Counselling does not mean detaching from him. It means understanding yourself and what's going on. When you have good understanding, then the correct behavior arises by itself and is beneficial for all concerned.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:03am
Thanks for the advice.. I wrote him a letter and he got it through email last night.. Of course i got a call late at night asking me what was the letter about.. like it was written in Chinese or something... I think he got upset about it and kind of got huffy with me. and I understand but I am trying to do what it best for me and my kids and sleeping with him and having this pretend imaginary relationship at his convenience is not healthy. Well I felt like a jerk after we got off the phone and I had a hard time sleeping, but i feel so much better like something has been lifted from me. Was it the right thing to do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:50am
That's a start.

As for the email - what's done is done.... he's not going to see it the same way you see it, so don't expect him to like any boundary you set. Just keep doing what is right for you.


Carrie

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