My family vs. my boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
My family vs. my boyfriend
6
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:47pm

So, I'll give you a little background of myself.

I had been in a serious relationship 2 years ago (we were engaged). The guys was emotionally abusive. He called me fat,unlady like, and always compared me to his ex girlfriend (who, he felt i could never measure up to). He was extremely controlling, possessive, manipulative and very dishonest with me. Things were great until he proposed (one year into our two year relationship). It seemed as though as soon as the ring was on my finger his attitude completely changed and this is when he became controlling and emotionally/ verbally abusive. I had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I made a commitment to marry him and could not let myself break things off. Finally after almost a year of being miserable, I had enough and with the support of my friends, i decided that i did not deserve to be treated the way I was. It was really hard because he treated me like gold in front of people. He gave compliments, had a great personality, etc. So, nobody really believed how horrible things were until the end when he started showing his other side to not only me but also my family and friends. So... I broke up with him, sent him everything I had of his and never spoke with him again.

So, this happened in the spring of 2005. During the entire next year I had a ton of fun. I dated ALOT. But more importantly, i concentrated on making myself happy and spending time with friends and family. Last spring 2006, I was drinking and decided to call a guy that was in one of my classes the year before. We ended up hitting it off and we've been together ever since.

Our relationship has been absolutely fabulous. He treats me like gold. He's always there to listen to my worries, my fears, and my frustrations. He never makes me feel stupid and always encourages me. I am an extreme extrovert. I can mingle with others extremely well. I have always been outgoing. He, is the extreme opposite. He has no friends. He has no personality when he's with others. He's shy and feels that he should not have to make others like him. When my family met him, they didn't like him. My family likes to talk. He doesn't like to talk with others. My family believes that I'm making a huge mistake. They ask if i'll really be happy with someone who doesn't socialize with others. My sisters say that I never come home anymore (which i come home once every other week to spend time with my mom and dad) and that I don't spend enough time with my neice and nephew. My niece and nephew are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but my sister feels that when i'm home on college break and such that i should babysit her children, i do not feel this way. I feel that if i want to go to her house and play with my niece and nephew, that's great, but babysitting them when i come to visit, i feel that i should not have to.

Everything in my relationship with my boyfriend had been perfect, until this past feb. He told me one day that he was unhappy and that he didn't know whether or not he was still in love with his ex(which he ended things with nearly 3 years ago- due to finding her in bed with one of her co-workers). I was devastated and had no clue that he felt this way. So we went through a couple of really hard days. We talked about everything and both decided that the reason why he wondered if he was still in love with his ex was because he never had the chance to grieve the loss of his relationship. After they broke up he drank heavily and worked all the time, then found another girlfriend. Things were ok for a while and then he started to act weird again. Then he told me that he had cheated on his ex-girlfriend the entire time he was with her. He felt guilty and needed to tell me this.

I wanted to go to a couples counselor and he agreed to go, stating that he would do anything to make our relationship work. We went and it was a complete disaster. The therapist told me that "it is not a problem he has, you need to come back and work on your self confidence issues" and "he's trying to better your relationship by telling you that he cheated, how could you question your trust for him?" and the best statement of all, "just how much of each others past should you really share?".

A month has went by and I have good days and bad. He still continues to make me feel like a million dollars by telling me how much he loves me, how perfect i am, how beautiful i am and how lucky he is... but I'm having a hard time because he questioned his feelings for me. I guess it felt like history repeating itself because i felt like i'd never measure up to his ex. I feel betrayed because all the way up until Feb. I thought he'd never hurt me... but then he did. Now i'm having a hard time trusting him with my heart again. I do love him more than anybody i've ever loved but i'm just completely confused.

I love him dearly and want to work things out but I fear that my family is right, that maybe he and I won't work out because i'm an extrovert and he's anintrovert. But I can't just let him go... i'd always miss him and wonder if things could have worked out...

I have no clue what to do and feel completely alone. I feel that my family isn't supporting me because they don't want me to grow up (you see, i'm the baby of the family by 10 years), and worse yet, i'm afraid that if i do stay with him and end up marrying him that they'll be right and I'll end up unhappy because he'll change.

I'm worried and scared and would really appreciate someone elses opinions.

Thanks!

-confused in PA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:27pm

Well first let me start by saying that I was in a very similar situation with the relationship with your first bf. The possessiveness, controlling issues and abuse...it was all the same for me too. You definatley did the right thing by leaving him. I too left my ex after dealing with that for a few years and right away got involved with someone else. Then we took a brake and I partied, met a bunch of people and went crazy. After a while of that we decided to get married and have been married for almost two years now. My husband is a pretty shy guy, doesn't want to do a whole lot with friends, mine anyway, and likes to be a "loner" lounging at home most of his free time. He made me feel wonderful, in the begining, but now after marriage it's kinda like that stuff had to stop, for him anyway.
I think for your current bf, if he has told you that he wasn't sure if he still loved his ex or not that you should have given him time on his own to figure it out for himself. Why sit around and be the rebound for him? If he has already gotten over her and no longer is confused about his feelings for her then the best thing for you to do, if you still love him and are going to be with him, is to forget about it. Make sure you and he never talk about her, don't bring her up to him in fights and don't compare yourself to her or make him compare you to her. If you constantly remind him of her, then he will constantly be thinking of her, and you don't want him to. As for him cheating on her, and telling you about it, I suggest that you make sure you let him know how you feel about that kind of behavior right away. I know it's hard to think that he's done it to someone else he obviously loved before and that he might to it to you, but if he is not giving you any reasons not to trust him then you have to let it go. The minute he becomes suspicious of something, if he ever does, then you have every reason to question him on it. I just don't think you should live everyday worring in fear that he MIGHT do something when he is not. It is only going to drive you crazy. If he acts like he is fooling around behind your back and doesn't care how he makes you feel, then leave him. There is no point in being with someone who makes you feel like crap.
As for your family, I really don't know what to tell you except that if you are really truley happy and in love with him then you should be with him. Maybe soon they will realize that you are happy and that's all that matters and come around to liking him...And babysitting for your sister every time you visit, I wouldn't do it either. If she expects you to do it everytime then why would you even want to visit that often? Try telling her that once in a while you would love to do it for her, and you love seeing her kids, but that her expectiong it everytime is just too much for you.

Well hope it all works out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:48pm

Thanks you for your input. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether or not i can forgive. Although he did not cheat on ME, i feel betrayed. I feel that he lied to me for 9 months of our relationship and it really bothers me. I've told him from the beginning that my biggest fear is trusting someone whole heartedly and them waking up one morning and not loving me anymore. Once I finally trusted him completely, thinking he'd love me unconditionally, he told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me or just loved me. This felt like he could just turn his feelings for me off. Although he has never been emotionally abusive like my ex, those words hurt me more than anything my ex had ever said to me. I guess because i never thought he'd hurt me.

Once he "had thought about his feelings and realized that he is in love with me", I wonder if it will happen again, i wonder if he'll question his feelings for me again. It's like i can't let myself trust him 100% again because the last time that i trusted him 100%, he hurt me.

Thanks for listening, it really does help.

Avatar for sullengurl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:41pm

I'm sorry that you find yourself feeling hurt and betrayed. I can relate in some ways. I know what it feels like to truly trust someone 100% and then to get let down so hard. It's like a pile of bricks hits you in the gut, right?

But something I have learned after being married for almost 7 years now is that there really is no one who you can trust 100%. My situation where I was hurt taught me that no one is perfect. I found out how much I can hurt someone too. Meaning no one has the ability to love unconditionally in this world all of the time because we are only human.
Doesn't make it hurt any less, but I personally think that it is a more realistic view.

Still, about your situation. I would say that you have to decide if you can live with this or not. If you can't, or don't even want to, that is your choice. You are not married and that makes it a little easier (though not emotionally, I know:( )

I would have a long talk with your family. Sit down with them, if you haven't already, and talk in a calm manner about what they are thinking. Sure, your family needs to let you go. Your choices in relationships are your own. But do you feel that your family has your best interests at heart? That they care about you? Because sometimes people see things in relationships that we miss when we are in love. I missed it before and wish I had listened.

In the end, the choice is yours.

Good luck!

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:14pm

>>But something I have learned after being married for almost 7 years now is that there really is no one who you can trust 100%.<<

I totally agree. We're all human and as such, we're all fallible. No partner would be 100% trustworthy.

This is why the counsellor wanted you to work on your own self esteem. The only person you can trust 100% is yourself, and you need to be able to rely on you to look after yourself.

>>Sure, your family needs to let you go. Your choices in relationships are your own. But do you feel that your family has your best interests at heart? That they care about you? Because sometimes people see things in relationships that we miss when we are in love. I missed it before and wish I had listened.<<

Again, totally agree. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm also concerned that you wrote about wanting unconditional love. Sweetie, unconditional love has no place in a healthy relationship. Love should have conditions place upon it: things such as trust, respect and courtesy.

Regarding him being a home body, I was married to a guy like that for a while. In the end, it got stifling. I hated being asked why I was attending functions alone and I hated that I had to drag him along to things where his attendance was required. I hated that I had to try and settle his nerves before going out anywhere and I hated that he couldn't make small talk and be polite.

While your guy may treat you well privately, the difference in your socialising could end up being a HUGE problem in the long term.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:48pm

I've been thinking further about your predicament

You write >>He has no friends. He has no personality when he's with others. He's shy and feels that he should not have to make others like him. When my family met him, they didn't like him. My family likes to talk. He doesn't like to talk with others<<

I just can't ignore this. While you see it as shy, I see it as arrogant. Someone who won't put in any effort to get on well with your friends and family is self centered to say the least. And the fact that he has no friends is a HUGE red flag.

If he truly was so shy, he wouldn't be able to have a relationship with you. But it appears that he picks and chooses who he can be bothered talking to.

Can you imagine family celebrations with a man who has so little respect for you and your family that he won't even try to be nice? I know you think he respects you, but he doesn't. If he DID respect you, then he'd make an effort to be less arrogant and be nice to your family.

I understand that he treats you well, but so did your ex in the beginning of the relationship. Your family simply sees his arrogance and simply want to try and stop history repeating itself. Please listen to your family.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:33pm

thanks you for your feedback. I really do appreciate your time.

Now for your reply. Yes, my ex boyfriend was nice to me. But he was nice to me during the first part of our relationship but he was in the coast guard and was away for all this time so... our time together was limited. This made it way easier for him to hide this possessive side of his.

The reason I'm having such a hard time with this is because he honestly does treat me like his princess. It's not that he buys my love but the little things that he does for me (like leaving me little love notes telling me how special I am, like writing me text messages, like calling me just out of the blue to tell me that he loves me and is thinking about me)- I really do love him with all my heart and I believe that he loves me with all his heart too.

If I were to end things with him i'd always want someone like him. I'd want someone to look at me the way he does and kiss my forehead the way he does. I'd want someone to treat me exactly like he does. I'm afraid if i were to break up with him because of this that I'd always regret letting him go.

I was engaged before and did not love my ex-fiance half as much as I love him. I know that he doesn't have any social skills but i'd much rather him treat me like gold than be able to make small talk with my family. ya know?

I dunno... I'm just kind of at a loss. I love him and wish there was a way to work everything out. ya know?