My fiance moved away

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
My fiance moved away
7
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:45am
My fiance moved to another state in early August. The phone calls were almost nightly for a week and then they abruptly stopped. Then they were every four days. I am not allowed to call him at work, he says it looks bad for him with employees under him, (he is a boss), this I found out the hard way. I called him at work to let him know I had to have major surgery at the end of that week and he flipped out on me. He has never treated me like that. He even hung up on me on the phone. I haven't spoken to him in over a week. He didn't even call me after my surgery to see how things went. I have no way to contact him now. He has all the control now. He says that he has to prove himself to this company again, since he used to work for them previously. He said he was working long hours and didn't have time to call. My kids and I were suppose to relocate where he is in December, but I am getting the feeling that he has decided he doesn't want me or my kids anymore.

He was always very consciencious about my health and was very caring, to the point where he would debate with the medical doctors. But it is as if he just gave up on me. I have some people tell me just to wait and see, he will call me and then I have others who are telling me to "kick him to the curb" I am very very depressed. My kids love this man as if he was their own father. This is totally out of character for him. I try not to show my depression around my kids. I can't sleep,, I am up for two or three days in a row and I can't eat. I love this man with all of my heart. And he is the first man I have had in my life that is (was) stable. I don't know what to do. My doctor is concerned about me and has me on a bunch of antidepressants, but they aren't helping. I feel so lost and rejected.. My kids are what keep me going each day, for they are all I have. I have no one else. How do I cope with this? Do I just say, "ok he is gone and try to accept it" or "ok he is just really busy" (making every excuse in the book for him) I have no clue what to do or where to turn with this. I am devistated. I don't know where things are between us and the unknowing is killing me inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:59am
Do you actually have an engagement ring and a wedding date?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:23am
Yes I do have an engagement ring on my finger.. we set a date for next spring.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:20am
I hate to say this, but I think its over. He is treating you like a mistake and a burden. Thank goodness you didn't uproot your children and move out there.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:02pm
I'm sorry, but it sounds like he wants this to be over and doesn't have the courage and character to tell you. You need to start accepting that and move on.

There is NO WAY that he is working so hard he can't make a five minute phone call to the woman he plans to MARRY every day!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:32pm
If he won't communicate now, he may never. I would have to say it's is over for the time being. Maybe he is having second thoughts and can't come right out and say it. Give him some time and continue your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:31pm
I don't know how long you have been taking the antidepressants, but give them more time. It takes time for them to begin working...your doctor or pharmacist can give you a timeline. If after the timeline has passed and if you aren't feeling better, contact your doctor because you may need a different medication or a stronger dose.

About your fiance. He is being a jerk! I don't care what excuses he has given you...they are lame ones. As a manager, he can certainly have a personal call---even a few---during the day. Even if he is under a tremendous amount of stress with his move and new job, that is absolutely no reason for him to be treating you like he has been. I think it is extremely insensitive of him to get angry with you and hang-up because you had to have major surgery this month. Jeeze, if that is his reaction...you don't need him in your life forever. The fact that he didn't even call to make sure you were okay afterward speaks for his lack of consideration and support.

Please do yourself a favor, keep taking your prescribed medications, go to your follow-up appointments with your doctor, get a referral for a counselor for you and your children to cope with this change put upon you. Surround yourself with friends, family, neighbors, co-workers...whomever you can who will help you through this horrible time. Take care of you and your kids. You are all better off without this man the way he is behaving now.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 5:35pm
I agree with onejilliebean! Give the meds time, they can take up to 6 weeks...you can make it, it WILL get better. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are a strong woman and you can do this.

As for Mr. Wonderful, I think that once you get a bit stronger, with the help of counseling and your meds, that YOU should take control of yourself and YOU should make the decision that YOU do not want to be treated like this. Call him at work and tell him "talk to me or it's over". If he hangs up on you, he's made his decision and you've made yours.

Personally, I don't even think you should give him the option of talking. He's insensitive and inconsiderate.

You also sound like you've made this relationship your entire life. That if you lose it, you lose yourself. Get into counseling quick. In the meantime, force yourself to get up, get out of the house and do something. I know how hard it can be. I suffer from depression myself and am treated with meds. TRY TRY TRY, even if you don't feel like it, do get involved in SOMEthing. Spend time with your kids...take them to the park...maybe you'll make friends with another mother...read a book for pleasure...take the kids to the library for the story hour or to play on the computers...go for a walk...spend time with parents, siblings, friends...keep yourself busy. That will help tremendously.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

t