My fiancee is PIS*ING me off!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2013
My fiancee is PIS*ING me off!!!!!
10
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 9:05am

Hi All!

I'm new on here, though I've been a long time lurker. Tongue Out

Hope I'm on the right board. I'm having a problem with my fiancee. He has recently gone through two deaths in the family (of elderly age) and from one of them he got a large inheritance of money and the other a small inheritance of money. Well, long story short, he cannot touch the large amount for a while, but is entitled to the small amount now (under 10G.)

He and his mother, what can I say? They're always at each other's throats, LMAO! He is constantly telling me how much he can't stand his mother. As long as I've known him, this is how their relationship has always been.

Now, I'm confused! I happened to come across a Facebook conversation between my fiancee and his mother (By accident! You wouldn't believe me if I told you! LOL!) I'm glad I read it, because he was telling her that he was getting his money soon (the small inheritance.) This was even a shock to me since his mother is the last person I thought he'd speak of money to. Well, apparently, he is giving some to her! WOW!

What throws me is that the two elderly people who passed absolutely made sure that my fiancee's mother didn't get a cent, nothing at all. The family says she is terrible with money and that is all she ever talks or cares about. I've even heard her go on about money, money, money, all the time! So.............. Why would my fiancee want to give her money? Even after all of the ranting and raving about her and him saying that she doesn't deserve money?! He doesn't know that I know all of this. Last I heard, he was using that money for bills and a new fence around the house.

I guess it's his mother, but I don't think it's right. Maybe I'm being selfish here but damn! I guess the bills don't get paid or we're not getting a new fence. How can you bad talk about someone all the time and then turn around and say, "Here, have some money?" I don't get it.....................

Should I just let it be or bring it up with him? I was already flamed with him for spending money on himself (Entirely different issue) and now this? He spends large amounts of money on a game (Don't ask) and then bi*ches that he's always broke. WTF?! I've brought that issue up with him but that never changes. We have children together also, and they need things and he knows this, but complains he's broke. Makes sense, doesn't it? 

I'm not sure how to approach the inheritance thing, and I shouldn't even bother bringing up the other thing as he continues to do what he wants. It's like he's not even listening to me at all. I don't even ask for anything other than what the kids need. Sorry but this whole thing is just starting to piss me off and he doesn't seem to care. 

PLEASE REPLY! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 9:16am

Honestly, I would bring it up and ask him point blank what he plans to do with the money and let him know that there are things that are needed for the kids, can you set aside xxx for that.  It sounds like your finances are separate, are they going to continue to be separate after you get married?  Let me say, being married to someone who sounds quite like your fiance, if this is an issue now, its not going to go away, its going to continue to be a problem unless you get things figured out now and believe me, it'll eat at you over and over again.  How old is he?  It may be partly a maturity thing, but that doesn't mean it'll get better with age, it may, it may not.  I don't want to sound harsh or anything, but I live with it just about everyday and it takes a toll on things...

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 10:34am

cuteznfluffiez wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Hi All!</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I'm new on here, though I've been a long time lurker. <img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-tongue-out.gif" alt="Tongue Out" title="Tongue Out" border="0" /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Hope I'm on the right board. I'm having a problem with my fiancee. He has recently gone through two deaths in the family (of elderly age) <span>and from one of them he got a large inheritance of money and the other a small inheritance of money. Well, long story short, he cannot touch the large </span><span>amount for a while, but is entitled to the small amount now (under 10G.)</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">He and his mother, what can I say? They're always at each other's throats, LMAO! He is constantly telling me how much he can't stand his mother. As long as I've known him, this is how their relationship has always been.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Now, I'm confused! I happened to come across a Facebook conversation between my fiancee and his mother (By accident! You wouldn't believe me if I told you! LOL!) I'm glad I read it, because he was telling her that he was getting his money soon (the small inheritance.) This was even a shock to me since his mother is the last person I thought he'd speak of money to. Well, apparently, he is giving some to her! WOW! </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">What throws me is that the two elderly people who passed absolutely made sure that my fiancee's mother didn't get a cent, nothing at all. The family says she is terrible with money and that is all she ever talks or cares about. I've even heard her go on about money, money, money, all the time! So.............. Why would my fiancee want to give her money? Even after all of the ranting and raving about her and him saying that she doesn't deserve money?! He doesn't know that I know all of this. Last I heard, he was using that money for bills and a new fence around the house.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I guess it's his mother, but I don't think it's right. Maybe I'm being selfish here but damn! I guess the bills don't get paid or we're not getting a new fence. How can you bad talk about someone all the time and then turn around and say, "Here, have some money?" I don't get it.....................</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Should I just let it be or bring it up with him? I was already flamed with him for spending money on himself (Entirely different issue) and now this? He spends large amounts of money on a game (Don't ask) and then bi*ches that he's always broke. WTF?! I've brought that issue up with him but that never changes. We have children together also, and they need things and he knows this, but complains he's broke. Makes sense, doesn't it? </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I'm not sure how to approach the inheritance thing, and I shouldn't even bother bringing up the other thing as he continues to do what he wants. It's like he's not even listening to me at all. I don't even ask for anything other than what the kids need. Sorry but this whole thing is just starting to piss me off and he doesn't seem to care. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">PLEASE REPLY! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span></p>

IMHO, its non of your business what he does with the inherited money . Its over and above the money that come in from job etc. You both need to sit and figure out the expenses so that the kids needs are met.I personally would never use the inherited money on everyday expenses.The money will vanish before you know it. If he is giving it to his mom, again, non of your business. Its HIS mom and no matter how bad she is , she is still his mom and bickering between kids ( yes adult kids even ) and parents is a life long thing with some but it doesnt mean that the bond can be broken.Not saying that some dont. BUT if you are wanting that this bonds should break because you saw them bickering and you should get the money, I figure you are completely wrong.

He is turning a deaf ear to you because he probably thinks the way I am . Many people wont agree with me but some will.Its just how different people view the same situation.I dont have to agree with you nor do you with me.

OTOH, get the finances sorted out before getting married .

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 11:04am

Money is one of the top issues in marriages and relationships. You are engaged to a man that you have money issues with. They are not going to go away if/when you get married, they will be amplified. Two people can have their own accounts and money but there has to be consensus on shared expenses. One cannot go off and spend wildly to the detriment of the other. The inheritance is just another occurence of what seems to be an ongoing problem. If he does not believe that large financial decisions needs to be shared in a relationship then you are going to have an ongoing problem for your entire life with him. You need to sit down together and set ground rules. If he cannot do that, then you need to seriously think about if marrying him is a good idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 11:07am

I was going to say that since it's his money & you aren't married yet that it's really not your business what he does with his money -- until you said that you already had kids together.  I wouldn't bother to ask him why he's giving money to his mother--relationships between parent & child can be emotionally complicated.  However, if there are things that the kids need or things that really need to be fixed around the house then I would just ask him if now that he has the money, he will pay for those things.  I would also discuss the big inheritance--depending on when he is getting it an dhow much it is--like would he set aside some money for the kids to go to college (like a 529 plan or a custodial account).

I would also reconsider why you want to get married--fights about money are a big issue in a marriage and why a lot of people get divorced.  However you are already tied to him by the kids and living with him.  If you were not living with him, at least you could get a court order to pay child support and have it deducted from his paycheck--but then again, you would have the expense of 2 households.  He doesn't seem responsible with money either (something he inherited from mom?) and it seems like it's going to be an ongoing battle if your ways of dealing with money are very different.  I hope you don't combine your money when you're married if he has a habit of not paying his bills--but if you're married, his irresponsibility is going to affect you more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 4:23pm

HE inherited this money, it's his to do with as he pleases.  It's truly no one else's business what he does with it, it really isn't.  I inherited money when my mother died last year and my sister and I just split the full amount equally.  I could SEE the excitement in my husband's eyes, thinking oh boy, I could take that money and wipe out some debt I've racked up - HE had racked up, had nothing to do with me there, he has a problem blowing large amounts of money I don't know about.  I had to let him know that no, I plan to use part of it for some health issues but the rest is going to remain in a money market account, and our therapist told my DH that's precisely what I SHOULD do with it.  Plus it's set up so if anything happens to me, whatever is left automatically goes to my sister, which is how I personally feel it ought to be.  If my DH had inherited money from his folks (he did not), I would have told him okay, now's the time to think of some terrific thing you'd like to use that money for....and would never have felt one cent of it belonged to me.  If your fiance chooses to give his mother some money, knowing she'll likely just blow it, that's his decision because it's his money.  Do not allow this to become a huge deal between the two of you, he's allowed to do as he pleases here.  No doubt some won't agree with me, and that's fine.  I've just "been there" and have a clear opinion on it. 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 4:26pm

 It is his money not yours.  He can spend it as he likes.  Be very careful here.  the family dynamics are where  both devils and angels fear to tred with very good reason.  Most people will defend their mothers when they themselves despise them but you are not his sibling so but out.

   Dealing with financials is very touchy in any relationship.  What both will need to understand is the other's patterns and values.  Many times people act out childhood issues.   There is a difference between spend thrift and miser then there is a middle ground.  The type of income is also important.  Steady paycheck or big commission or a combo.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 5:44pm

Parents and children have complex relationships.  If they truly hated each other, they wouldn't communicate at all, but there may be some love in there as well as frustration.  He may feel sorry for her, or he may give her money for something specific, a new washer/dryer.  It is not your money as others have said, it is his.

You mention children, assuming they are both of yours, then he is showing a severe lack of judgment by not thinking of them with this windfall.  If they are yours alone, then it is pretty much up to you (and the father) to provide for them.  

I recommend going to a pre-marriage class.  Those help you talk directly about potential problems and addressing them before you get married.  The issues that often come up in a marriage are intimacy expectations, money, living arrangements as well as much more.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 12:56am

Have you ever heard of red flags????  This man obviously doesn't know how to handle money, has no sense of priorities in life, and really doesn't care what his children need, or you need or want, or care about.  He does what he wants.  And, no matter what he says about his mother, she's his mother.  If the family didn't want HER to have money, she must be the same as your man, that's where he learned it from.  The money for the mother is totally immaterial.  He can't provide properly for his family because he's totally irresponsible and immature.  He spends money on himself?  That is NOT an entirely  different issue.  He spends large amount of money on games.......and you say "don't ask"?  Then you're contributing to his fiscal irresponsibility!!!  If you can't handle the finances, and put him on an allowance, then prepare to live like paupers in the future.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 05-18-2013 - 12:00pm

cuteznfluffiez wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Hi All!</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I'm new on here, though I've been a long time lurker. <img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-tongue-out.gif" alt="Tongue Out" title="Tongue Out" border="0" /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Hope I'm on the right board. I'm having a problem with my fiancee. He has recently gone through two deaths in the family (of elderly age) <span>and from one of them he got a large inheritance of money and the other a small inheritance of money. Well, long story short, he cannot touch the large </span><span>amount for a while, but is entitled to the small amount now (under 10G.)</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">He and his mother, what can I say? They're always at each other's throats, LMAO! He is constantly telling me how much he can't stand his mother. As long as I've known him, this is how their relationship has always been.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Now, I'm confused! I happened to come across a Facebook conversation between my fiancee and his mother (By accident! You wouldn't believe me if I told you! LOL!) I'm glad I read it, because he was telling her that he was getting his money soon (the small inheritance.) This was even a shock to me since his mother is the last person I thought he'd speak of money to. Well, apparently, he is giving some to her! WOW! </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">What throws me is that the two elderly people who passed absolutely made sure that my fiancee's mother didn't get a cent, nothing at all. The family says she is terrible with money and that is all she ever talks or cares about. I've even heard her go on about money, money, money, all the time! So.............. Why would my fiancee want to give her money? Even after all of the ranting and raving about her and him saying that she doesn't deserve money?! He doesn't know that I know all of this. Last I heard, he was using that money for bills and a new fence around the house.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I guess it's his mother, but I don't think it's right. Maybe I'm being selfish here but damn! I guess the bills don't get paid or we're not getting a new fence. How can you bad talk about someone all the time and then turn around and say, "Here, have some money?" I don't get it.....................</span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">Should I just let it be or bring it up with him? I was already flamed with him for spending money on himself (Entirely different issue) and now this? He spends large amounts of money on a game (Don't ask) and then bi*ches that he's always broke. WTF?! I've brought that issue up with him but that never changes. We have children together also, and they need things and he knows this, but complains he's broke. Makes sense, doesn't it? </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">I'm not sure how to approach the inheritance thing, and I shouldn't even bother bringing up the other thing as he continues to do what he wants. It's like he's not even listening to me at all. I don't even ask for anything other than what the kids need. Sorry but this whole thing is just starting to piss me off and he doesn't seem to care. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:small; font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif">PLEASE REPLY! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span></p>

Until you're married to him, what he does with his money and who he gives it to is not your concern.  He may have felt that giving his mother some money would mean that she and anyone else who feels like criticising him have had some ordnance removed from their weapons stockpile.  Meaning: they can't berate him for not looking after his mother, despite what kind of relationship they have.

Yes, you need to let this alone. You found out about it in a not above the board way--otherwise, you would have said something to him about it right after you read it and not come here looking for advice  The inheritance thing is none of your business.  What he does with his money is his business alone.  How he treats with his mother is his business, not yours.  Not until you're married. Because, quite frankly, your post comes across a little too "goldigger-ish"---children notwithstanding, because you're supposed to be supporting your children, too.  If he never got a cent of inheritance, then how were you two supporting your children? That's from where your whole concern proceeds, not from figuring out how you're going to spend his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2013
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 7:28am

Thank you for everyone's comments. Laughing

I haven't had an opportunity to come on here until now. I was really mad a couple days ago and since thought about what I said. Most of you are right in that the money is his business, not mine, and I know that. I guess I was just mad about the fact that his mother is getting money, even at her worst, while the kids (our children - he is the biological dad) aren't getting anything and they are in need of things. Fiancee and I had a long talk about finances, and to my surprise he is willing to work on his part since he's always kept finances private. I know that's a big deal when it comes to marriage, as many of you have pointed out. I was also mad about the fact that he was spending money on himself (not the inheritance money) while he knew the kids needed things and he proceeded to do whatever he wanted. 

I guess I think differently. I very much understand the complications of parent/child relationships, but my kids go first before my mother. I think because I felt that way I was angry that my fiancee didn't feel the same. 

Thank you for commenting! Smile