My first (very long) post

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
My first (very long) post
3
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:38pm
Hello. Yes, this is my first message here. I've found myself in a situation that I never thought I'd find myself in and am thinking that maybe I should break things off with my current boyfriend- although, thats really NOT what I want to do. Let me explain a little:

We've been dating just a year - and I am crazy about him. He is for the most part, everything (I thought) I've been looking for in a man. He's smart, attractive, has wit and sarcasm that match my own, he's not jealous, possessive, controlling. He's easygoing, affectionate, independent, and I can go on and on.... but there's also a few things that I've been having a hard time handling.

He doesn't communicate well - he works a lot (so do I), is always tired (so we don't do much more than eat & sleep when we see each other) I feel like he's off limits to calling unless I have "a reason". He only seems to have time for me on the weekends, maybe a few hours fri night, and sat night til sun morning. He's never told me he cares for me, misses me, thinks about me, etc - never told me he finds me attractive, never really says much of anything in fact. He also has an extremely low sex drive (I am the opposite) and I feel like I am hassling him when it comes to being together that way, so I don't touch him as I would like to either.

I've brought things up with him on numerous occasions, he's assured me things are ok, he enjoys my company (hearing him say that seemed painfully hard for him) so... I realize he's got a communication/intimacy problem (we've talked about libido supplements, seeing a doctor, stress, etc - but he's yet to actually DO anything about it) and I've tried ever so hard to be understanding, but it's just gotten to the point where I feel so rejected, unwanted, unimportant to him that I don't think I can handle much more. He's caused me to discover some of the things that I WANT in a relationship, that he can't/is unwilling to give me. Before him, I really only knew what I DIDN'T WANT. (make sense?)

and there's more... something I've never done before, swore I'd never do - totally don't think is right, but have now found myself doing it. It started as a coworker friendship - and he was willing to listen to me, started calling me just 'to talk' say good morning, tell me funny things he heard - whatever (something my guy has NEVER done) which elevated into his stopping by to visit... rubbing my back after I'd strained a muscle at work - and basically offering me attention that I have been really craving lately and someone to talk to who actually WANTS to talk to me and listen to me. (and yes, we did become intimate at MY initiation) So, for the past 2 weeks now I have basically been cheating on my boyfriend (who thinks we are exclusive - we discussed that last summer)

The thing is... while I really enjoy this new persons attention and he's also attractive, fun, and has good qualities - he's really not the one I want to be with. It's my current boyfriend that I truly want - but it feels like he's just made himself unavailable to me. New guy is aware that I have a boyfriend, in fact - he and I have no problem talking about anything. He talks to me & tells me things and how he feels etc, just as well as he listens to what I have to say, it's great! (It bothers me however that my guy has no clue of the time I've been spending with this new person because he never calls me and is never around to notice- in fact, I got a dozen roses from new guy which were on my table this past weekend and current guy didn't even ask where they came from, if he even noticed them!)

So, I guess I've decided I don't like being a liar or a cheat, and that its unfair for me to continue doing this (whatever you call it) to both of these men. And while new guy is still new - and I'm not sure what if anything is in store for us in the future - he's made me realize how much is lacking in my other relationship, how badly I crave having someone there to lean on sometimes.

Well- I guess after all this typing, my question is this: WHY DO I FEEL SO BADLY WHEN I THINK OF TELLING MY CURRENT GUY THAT I CANT SEE HIM ANYMORE?

If I KNOW the reasons things aren't working, and I know that I have already given part of myself to someone else, then why is this so hard? The thought of not seeing him again literally makes me nauseous. I miss him so badly already just thinking about it and I haven't even told him yet (planning on saying something maybe this weekend - not that I've been cheating, just that things aren't working out and we need to be apart.... not exactly sure what/how I'll do this yet)

Why is my head and my heart on such different pages? I keep thinking that if he'd just open up to me a little, make some time for me - things would be ok. But they won't, because I've already gone too far. (Haven't I??)

Just writing this, I can smell him, feel his skin, his hair, hear his laugh, envision his smile.... and it makes me want to cry. I can't make him something he's not - I don't want to do that. I want him to be able to be himself, not feel like he has to force himself to do things 'just to make me happy'. He says he's got trust issues (so do I) but I'd think after a year he should have been able to open to me a little. I can honestly say that if I wasn't feeling so put off by him, that if I knew where I stood - that he honestly cared for me, I wouldn't even have considered starting something with this other man. (and I guess now, in a way, I've proven his 'trust issues' to be valid)

I told my current boyfriend back around christmas how I was feeling about him. That I thought I was falling in love with him - and no response. It hurt, a lot. there's been many times I've told him how special he is to me, that I miss him when he's not around, that I wished we could see each other more often - and it all seemed to go in one ear and out the other. It's like I hit this point of no return - either he returned the feelings, or he didn't - and I felt that he wasn't returning those feelings, so it was time to pull away from him so I wouldn't get hurt so bad.

OK, I suppose this is long enough. I don't really know what I want as a response here. Maybe someone who'll tell me I'm not insane?? maybe someone who'll share a similar experience? I don't know.... I just know I am hurting terrible right now. Love stinks (I never told him "I love you" for fear of the ultimate rejection, but I'm pretty sure my feelings for him were love - and still are, however morality comes in and I tell myself that I would not cheat on someone I love, so maybe I'm wrong)

I'll just throw this last comment in, because I know someone will think this. NO, he is not seeing anyone else. This I am sure of 100%. that is not the reason for his lack of libido, nor is it his reason for his disinterest in my life or lack of time to spend with me or talk to me.

OK. I'm done now


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:07am
tuff situation to be in :( have you thought about ending both relationships and maybe starting over again. Maybe new man will be in the picture again or maybe bf will pick up an decide he wants to save the relationship and do something about it. Or maybe you will find someone else altogether. Either way I think it would only be fair to make some space for yourself to work through your issues. Sounds like you're kind of living with a ghost. He's there but he's not? Even if you have given part of yourself to someone - maybe you could take it back (don't want to leave anything behind). If he has trust issues - see if he's willing to work through them. Be proactive and expect your bf to WANT the relationship badly enough to WANT you to WANT to do something about it. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:45pm
Yes, I have thought about ending them both. I've thought up a million different ways to end this situation, just none that'll seem to work for me!


As for a new relationship?? I don't think I'm ready - I wasn't looking for the new guy in the first place, and if I were to 'get rid of' both of them, I think I'd need some time to get my head together before dragging some other poor man into my screwed up world right now!! LOL


What I'd really like to do is somehow work things out with my current boyfriend, I just don't know if thats possible. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:55pm
You always want what you can't have...in this situation it's your boyfriend. You said you think you've found everything that you want in him...he ignores you, he makes you feel unimportant, is this what you want with someone you love? You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and WANTS to spend time with you. This coworker of yours seems to really want to get to know you and it seems like he actually is interested in "you" and what makes "you" happy. It's a great feeling when someone takes an interest, and it's very hard when the one person you want that attention from doesn't give it to you. I know how you feel and I wish you hope and strength to get through your hard time.