my GF doesn't seem to want sex anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
my GF doesn't seem to want sex anymore..
5
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:48am
Hello, I am a 21 year old male who has been dating a 21 year old female for 7 months now. About a month after we first got together we started having sex. She had just gotten out of a year relationship and we started hot and heavy. There was a day that we had sex 5 times. We never missed a day in about the first 2 months or so. However, about the past 2 months she has almost totally lost intrest in it. It seems the only time she wants it is after I make her feel bad by talking about how we used to be. I hate to bring up the topic because it's somehtin I'd rather not have to talk about, but it is really bothering me. Not that I am some sex addict in fact I was a virgin for almost 21 years till I met her. There was a span of about 3 weeks where we didnt do it once. It makes me feel so worthless to know that she deosnt have the interst in making love to me when she comes to vistit me at school. I go to college about 1 hour away from where she lives, she is here about 3 night out of 7. Of those 3 nights we make love maybe once. It seems to me that with being apart and all she would want it more, no? When I address the issure, she always, ALWAYS tekes offense. She brings up the fact that she works all day, then goes to school, then comes to see me, which oblivously, I can appreciate and understand that. But it seems every time there is some excuse (not that I bring it up every time, i probably have raised the issue about 5 times). I have herd "i'm too tired", "I feel sick", "i'm too bloated", "I feel so fat and self concious". Then after the excuse she says, "just let it happen, it will happen". Well I do let it happen, but it never does, which is why I raise the issue, duh! So I feel like crap quite often, and I feel like sometimes I will pick real little fights for no reason, about various little things because I feel bad about myself and really just frustrated. So basically I am wondering if I am just overreacting about this, because we love each other very much, there is no doubt about that, and I definetly can see a future with her. But I know that it's not possible to have a happy marriage when things like this happen. Am I overreacting about this, or do i have a legitimate concern? should I let her see the responses I get on this board, or just keep it to myself? sooooo frustrated...

Ryan

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 4:04am
hey well i can relate. my ex-boyfriend and i were the same way in the beginning. we did it everyday, and sometimes up to 5 or 6 times a day. then once we moved in together, and started having problems, i didnt give it to him. he would ask for it, and i would always say i was tired, or wasnt in the mood. the reason? i didnt enjoy it anymore. he got more pleasure out of it than i did. it seemed like more of a hassle for me to have sex with him, than to argue with him about it. sit down and talk to your girl. maybe you are pleasing her anymore. i never had the guts to tell my boyfriend that, but maybe there is something you both can change. or maybe there is something going on in her life that she is preaupied. just talk to her. and things will work out. but remember sex isnt everything. my boyfriend always complained about not getting it and that was one of the things that made is grow apart
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:40am

pardon the question - but other than sex, what else do you two DO together? if i get this straight - your

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 10:54am
A lot of relationships go through a "honeymoon" phase in the begining, then later on they cool down. I guess when people are first together it's more exciting, it's new. I suggest trying something new in bed. Ask her what she likes and switch things up a bit. If it's not sex itself, maybe she has some other problem she's not telling you about that's stressing her out. Talk to her and get everything on the table.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:00pm
I think that everyone has made very good points. Definitely talk to her about it - but find a different approach than the one you've been using. I have a feeling you are coming off as complaining, demanding, or whiney - whether you mean to or not.

The reasons she gives you for not wanting to have sex aren't excuses as you called them, they are real reasons. This is a good start.

The woman works all day, goes to school AND drives an hour to see you and you think that when she says she's tired she is making excuses? Please. That schedule would tire anyone out. What can you do to make her less tired?

When she feels sick, she feels sick and probably just wants someone to take care of her. Care for her when she needs it.

If she says she feels fat and self-concious, tell her you love her body and that she doesn't look fat. Then act like you worship her body - touch her, massage her, compliment her.

You haven't had much sexual experience, right? You may need to work on your technique. A lot of guys, esspecially inexperienced guys don't have a clue as to what pleases a woman sexually. Explore that with her. Find out what really melts her butter. Rather than focusing on your pleasure, focus on hers. If you are truely pleasing your woman, she will want to have sex with you. Many women who aren't interested in sex aren't interested because they never get anything out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 3:27pm
What do you do to get her in the mood? Anything? My boyfriend and I had this same problem, and the thing was that he just 'expected' it. When I feel like my boyfriend just expects to have sex, I get really turned off. He never really did anything to lead up to it either. Sure, he kissed me a little bit first, sometimes, and then that was it. I don't think any woman would enjoy that. A lot of women can't just be turned on by the flip of a switch, like many guys are. If women aren't excited, sex can be very painful. Massage her, and kiss her all over to get her in the mood. When my boyfriend does this, I can't resist. She may also be concerned that your whole relationship IS sex. This isn't necessarily true, but when a woman gets in that frame of mind, it's hard to get out. Especially if the guy is sitting there asking for it all the time. Good luck.