My GF Feels inadeqate? (PLEASE HELP)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
My GF Feels inadeqate? (PLEASE HELP)
3
Sat, 12-22-2007 - 6:14pm

I am at a loss. I haven't really received answers much that could really apply or help, but any opinion matters. Most of the relationship the issue has been that she thought she was never enough for me. We've been I guess dating since November 2006 and she said it started around February/March 2007 where she started realizing she could not measure up to what I wanted. I think excuses have come up here and there, but I've realized and we both have, that the root problem is her lack of self-esteem and her belief she is never enough. She has gone as far to admit to me lately that she does not believe me when I say nice things to her anymore because she doesn't think that it's true and she doesn't deserve it. She has this thing where she is obsessed with thinking that she is wasting my time, destroying me, and dragging me down hill and she says it tears her apart inside. She really feels I deserve someone better and stronger, more capable of handling me. Right now the toughest part is that around August she started changing and getting depressed with things. She used to be bright and awesome, but as a person she just changed and she is in a dark pit. I really want to help her and see her through it, but she is so consumed with her idea that she is not worth it, she doesn't want to accept my help, that it is only going to waste my time.

Did I do something wrong? She has had low self-esteem from the beginning, but I have really done my best to try to show her she is awesome. We have a great love between us and great connection as we balance each other out, but she is stuck torn and heart-broken that she is never enough. I suggested a self-esteem book as recommended her and she said she would read one soon, but I don't think that's the end all of it. She gets extremely upset if I get angry, even if I get frustrated about small issues, which I don't see as a big deal. For example, I will get frustrated that she doesn't want to talk about something small, but serious, and she will freak and talk about how much she hates herself. She is so low right now and it is painful for me to see her like this and I don't know what to do. We're spending winter break apart as we live far away from each other at home so the stage was set for her emotional tides to shift away from me.

How can I help her, can I even help? Should I just let her go? I really don't want to because I am really all her support she has right now (even though she doesn't want me to support her). It's been a tumultuous time and it's impossible for me to constantly be patient and accepting of everything that happens, but is that what I really need to do? Constantly say nothing?

I am really sick of how weird things have been and how we're both on edge and just not comfortable to relax like we used to. She recognizes she is really down about everything and feels worthless, but I feel powerless because she saids my words mean nothing. I mean she found out I was going to send her flowers for Christmas (because we're doing presents when we get back) and she felt guilty and said not to because she didn't do anything for me.

I realize love is difficult and requires work, but I don't know if the experts do read the full thread, is this relationship doomed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 12-22-2007 - 8:05pm

What you are describing is beyond your ability to fix, and beyond hers to fix without professional help. This doesn't sound like self-esteem issues, it sounds like serious clinical depression (which cannot be diagnosed on a message board--she needs medical intervention). The best thing you can do for her is make sure she sees her doctor for an appropriate prescription and gets a referral to someone who can help her with her personal issues.

Please remember that fixing her is not your responsibility. If she won't accept that seeking help is the only way to solve her problems, then she is effectively ending the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 11:37pm

I have to agree with above poster... I'm not sure how old you two are... but women go through alot of horomonal changes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 12-24-2007 - 10:28pm

Welcome to the board hdot9,


Unfortunately, you can't heal her, fit her or help her.