Is my girlfriend not independent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Is my girlfriend not independent?
4
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 8:13pm
So the issue is that my girlfriend (of 6 months now) is still living at home with her parents (she and I are 24 and both in graduate school). Since we broke that half year marker, we are both contemplating (not confirming) marriage. It's just something that has come up a couple times. My issue is that I think my girlfriend is too attached to her family (runs errands for them, calls to check in all the time, still taking road trips to visit extended family, etc.) and my fear is that if we were to get married or moving in a direction of marriage that I wouldn't be her primary allegiance, which is important. She told me the other day that I would be her primary allegiance if we were to get married but I would like to see her moving in a stronger direction of becoming more independent and moving away from the family. It seems as though I'm still in high school having to go pick her up at her parents house, or I'll call and a parent answers, or she can't do something one weekend because she's doing something with the family. I'm all for strong family ties but is this a bit extreme? Am I overreacting? By the way, my girlfriend and I get along great, love each other, but in my mind this is a make it or break it issue. She said one time that she's offended when I told her of this concern because a) she thinks she is independent and "girls are just different than guys when it comes to being involved in one's family"; and b) she first admitted that the independence issue was a problem she wants to work out but then a couple days later took that back and said it wasn't really that big a problem and she was offended for me thinking that she needs to be more independent. I could go on, but what do you think?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 9:18pm

Well, this is interesting. Different individuals have different needs to be close to their families. It does sound, however,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:54pm
My brother went throught this with his ex wife. It was only her mother not the entire family. It did not get better. The behaviour continued exactly the same way after the marriage as before. She literally talked to her mother 10-15 times a day, took phone calls from her mother during sex even, told her mother EVERY detail of her married life, took her mother's advice on everything, let her mother basically interfere in every aspect of her life. My brother definitely felt like he came second. It was a contributing factor to the divorce, probably half that and half constant nagging/arguing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 4:18pm

I'm thinking you two just don't see things the same way at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 7:19pm

I really do not see an issue. I am married and I still call my parents most every day, help them out and do things with them at least once a week. I do not see being married as 100% allegiance to only my husband.I am faithful to him and I love him. My parents are my family just as much as my husband is and I will do things for them just as I will for my husband. It should not be an either or situation.

I often times do things with my family and don't do something with my husband. Do you expect her to get rid of her family or that after she is married to you she will only be with you?

Also, you have only been dating 6 months. I would have been very offended if my boyfriend at 6 months had told me he wanted me to move out and away from my family or the relationship might suffer or be over.

I do think you are overreacting.