My Girlfriends Delima

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
My Girlfriends Delima
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 3:05pm
I've been dating this girl for almost seven months. When we first started dating she had a boyfriend. She became pregnant by me, at the very beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately two months later she had a miscarriage. The miscarriage was extremely difficult on our relationship, but we made it through. We sometimes find ourselves talking about planning a future together, and that’s very exciting and frightening at the same time, but there's one problem...She still feels an incredible amount of guilt for hurting her ex...She hasn’t been able to let me in and she can’t give all of herself to our relationship because of the wall of guilt...I don't know what else I can do for her...I truly love her with all of my heart…I don't know how to help her tear down this wall...need some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 3:13pm
She met you on the rebound and she is not over her boyfriend. Maybe you two should be apart for a while while she recovers on her own so that she can be available for you later. If things stay this way then there are 3 people in the relationship really. You want to help her but she must do this on her own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 4:28pm
I agree!!! She sounds like she is still hung up on this guy, and if you two are planning a future together, you need to figure this out first. Take some time apart and let her sort through her feelings. I know this will be hard for you because you love her, but why would you want to be with someone who has her mind on someone other than you!

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:37pm
I also agree, I think you need to let her deal with the guilt and come to terms with the lost love, She will be able to see things clearly with a little space. I remember my mother telling me once " if you love something set it free and it will come back if it is meant to be". Good luck sm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:43pm
Wow, you're clueless.

She doesn't love you, she doesn't love him - she likes attention and approval and acceptance in massive doses becuase she lacks self-esteem.

One thing she knows is what she's capable of - cheating on someone and deceiving them about conception. She did that with the last boyfriend.

It's not "guilt" that keeps the wall up - it's fear that you share her values and she wants no part of that.

I mean, after all, you do share her values. You slept with her when she was with someone else...meaning you weren't committed to her as an individual, - you were wanting "it" and not necessarily just sex.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and boundaries justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, ideas, words, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity adn honor.

Her values entitled her to cheat and lie to the previous boyfriend. And your values entitled you to be with someone that was not available because you weren't looking for more than a good time.

The reality is...she got with you becuase of the turmoil and fear and now she's just not sure that you're what she wants or as good as she can do - now that she's not afraid of being a single parent with fewer options in life.