my guy doesn't want sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
my guy doesn't want sex
6
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 3:45pm
My boyfriend was a virgin when I met him, he is in his late 20s. As a teenager growing up, when his parents had the "birds and the bees" talk with him, they made him promise not to have premarital sex, mostly due to religious beliefs that pre marital sex is wrong.

I didn't know this about him until after the first time we had sex. He told me he wanted to wait to be in love with someone and that is why he had sex with me. To make a long story short, after some time of being sexually active, his guilt was causing a lot of issues with having sex with me. He came clean and told me about the way he was taught to believe sex should happen. He says that his desire for me is insatiable but that after we have sex, he has feelings of guilt.

Aside from this, we have a wonderful relationship. We are very compatible and happy together. He truly loves being with me and I can really feel it. I love this man because of his convictions in life. In all ways this person treats me with respect, kindness and compassion.


I wonder if his guilt issues with sex are ever going to subside. He hasn't stopped seeing me and we are moving towards marriage in the forseeable future. But I wonder, will be always have this guilt hang up with sex? Meaning, if I marry him will there be a good chance this will happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:11pm
Unfortunately, I can sympathesize with this guy. I shouldnt necessarily say unfortunately. There's nothing at all wrong with saving yourself for marriage if that's what you want. But hearing that you're going straight to hell if you don't, like I did, isn't the most healthy thing in the world, in my opinion.

I doubt if his guilt would continue to be a problem after marriage as that's what he's saving himself (or was anyway) for in the first place. This is something you should discuss openly with him now, however. Have you two decided to stop having sex for now? If that's a shady area, ask him what he wants. Also, talk to him about your concerns about what might happen if you are to be married. Communication is the key.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:20pm
Thank you, Law75. Yes, we have stopped sleeping together. He asked me if that was alright and I agreed because I just love him so much and I know we are working towards a permanent arrangement of getting married.

Yes, I know I have to talk to him. When I asked him if he thinks this is an issue that will subside once he is married, he said he didn't honesly know. I think this is because he has never been married and can't give an answer to it. I also think he feels very bad that he is having these bouts of guilt as it may be a struggle for him because he knows in his heart he loves me.

May I ask (if you feel comfortable telling me) how you handled your situation, in light of your upbringing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:27pm
I think you should discuss his upbringing and beliefs more. Was he taught merely to wait until marriage to have sex, and then after marriage sex is normal and healthy and should be enjoyed? OR...was he taught in an atmosphere that conveyed sex to be a dirty, secret thing that is only be done for procreation (to have babies) -- in other words, not simply for enjoyment. You should find that out b/c his guilt will continue after marriage if he does not believe deep down that sex (and enjoying it) is a normal, healthy part of marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:42pm
You and he need to talk about this and find out what the real source of the guilt is. Is it only about sex before marriage? Will he be comfortable after you are married or does he have other issues with sex/sexuality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 5:23pm
No, I don't mind talking about it. I did start having sex before marriage, and to be honest I just kind of struggled through it. It took a great deal of communicating to MYSELF that "yes, i know what my parents said, but that's not what I believe." It's kind of a re-training thing. Because even if you don't believe it, you've been swallowing it for so long that you still think about it. You've been trained that it's bad and naughty and I had to totally recondition my thinking. It took a while.

I can't imagine, however, feeling guilty for sleeping with my husband, whoever he may be. I don't think it should be a problem since that's what your bf was saving himself for in the first place. I suppose anything is possible though. All I can suggest is to make sure you are communicating. Obviously, you have a good start since he felt he could come to you with his feelings of guilt in the first place. That will really help if there are any problems in the future. And it is very respectful of you to wait. Sex is not the end all, obviously. Waiting can be a very beautiful thing and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that decision, especially if one person is just not ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 8:12am

i guess like other posters here - i would be concerned if things will be better after you get married. I married someone who wouldn't do "anything" (no sex, no kissing, no holding hands) before we got married. and after we got married - nothing happened either , for seven years (I am not in the process of getting divorced from him)... its fine to have ideals and to stick with religious convictins. but in SOME religions, the prohibitions and separation of the sexes is soooo extreme - that many couples have sexual problems after wards.


if you don't mind my asking- what religion is he? and are you of the same religious background?


also - again, if you don't mind my asking - when you did have sexual relations, was it great? did you really feel a strong physical/emotional connection?