My Guy went to a Topless Bar

Avatar for mexigurl10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
My Guy went to a Topless Bar
15
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 11:33am
Hello.. well I am hoping to get some insight right now.. My fiance of 2 years went to a bar yesterday with his friend.. a bar where girls are topless..

Details before I start the story-- To my knowledge and what Fiance tells me he has never been to a strip club or topless bar since I have been with him..He knows that I don't like that..and he also respects me by not buying magazines that contain women naked..Its just something I have asked him to do and he has obliged.

Now let me explain the situation..

Today is his birthday.. so yesterday his friend took him to a University Football game and then took him out to eat.. they were together all day, he called and said they were on their way home.. (game was like 1 hour away) --later I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer his phone.. Later he called and left a message stating that the bar he went to wouldn't let his camera phone in.. Immediately after I heard that I knew that the only bars that don't allow camera phones in are the topless bars.. I was enraged and angry about it. I call him back and ask him what bar did he go to .. He was like " I don't know the name of it" and tryed to changed the subject.. (all the while I could hear his man whore of a friend laughing in the background) I was like.. tell me the truth.. did you go to a topless bar? he was like " what are you talking about .. of course not".. (friend still laughing) .. then my fiance starting laughing as well and I hanged up on him.. I started crying because I knew that they had went and he was lying to me.. About 30 minutes later.. my fiance calls to let me know he was home and calmly tells me that he had a nice buzz and that he was ready for bed... and that he wanted to talk to me face to face in the morning about this situation.. of course I wasn't going to let it go and demanded to know the truth.. so after picking and picking.. he finally admitted that on their way home, his friend wanted to stop at this topless bar to celebrate his b-day..

He said he only stayed 2 hours "because of me".. and that they could have stayed longer but didn't because he thought about me. ( PURE BS! ) He also stated that he didn't know whether to tell me the truth or hide it because he knew I didn't approve of that.. but also defended it by saying that topless bars are nothing to get mad about..

My issue- I never liked any of my boyfriends to go to these places let alone my now fiance.. I also respect his feelings about everything and often hold back on going out to certain places with my friends ( ex- he doesn't like salsa dancing but i do and often get invited by friends to go).. Yet all the things I have talked to him about.. that I don't like or approve of like topless bars, strip clubs and the like.. he doesn't acknowledge.

This is the first time he has done this and he does say that he messed up but still defends himself..

I am very confident about myself.. my body.. my image.. I get hit on alot by all types of men.. but when the one person I love.. goes to a topless bar.. and see's these women dancing topless.. this hurts me.. and makes me wonder if I am enough.. Does anybody feel like this? I mean I know he doesn't go.. but he also could have said no to his friend if he knew I wasn't going to like it.. I don't know.. can you guys help me deal with this... I need to know what you ladies feel about your guys going to these places.. and how would you deal with my situation..

Thanks..

Dora <br> Rolando 6/16/06 .. born at 41 weeks<br> Ruben 12/4/08 .. born at 29 weeks

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:29pm
Sorry you have to go through this. By going there, he's not saying you aren't enough and that he doesn't find you attractive.

But he is telling you loud and clear that his values don't match yours, that the two of you are incompatible in the area of what you both feel is appropriate or inappropriate behavior.

He did what he wanted to do, period. He lied to you about it because he knew already knew you wouldn't approve of his choice to go. He knew how you felt and chose to go anyway, because he wanted to.

Seriously question if this man values the same things you do.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 5:07pm
Unfortunately it is sometimes a thing that the guys like to go and do. It doesn't mean that he respects you any less or anything like that. Personally I hate those bars too, and most of us women feel the same. But if he never goes & just went once cuz his buddy wanted to take him for a few beers for his birthday then I wouldn't worry about it. My boyfriend went last weekend with a couple of the "guys" and that was the first time he had been in a couple years. So realistically I'm not gonna let it get to me. Altho yes I can understand how you feel about thinking "am I enough?" "Why does he want to look at these other girls" but men don't see it that way at all. Its more or less just a place for the boys to go have a couple beers. You made it clear to your man that you don't like it so that is obviously why he didn't want to tell you because he knew that you'd be upset by it. But if his friend suggested it a guy certainly doesn't wanna say "I'm not allowed to go because my girlfriend won't let me" So I wouldn't read too much into this unless he makes a habit of going to these places which chances are its not going to happen. I like to consider myself lucky that my boyfriend rarely goes because I know alot of guys that do it on a more regular basis. Good Luck, I'm sure this will blow over! You have nothing to worry about : )

*Shannon*

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:57pm
A topless bar? Come on, now... how about an ALL NUDE bar/club? Yep, my man & his co-worker/friend went to Platinum Plus, an all nude strip joint, here in Memphis. And I didn't even know it-- he told me about it. Was I mad? No, not really... jealous? A little, but I got over it. He said that the girls there weren't even attractive. He didn't even tip the girls. He's only done this once.

I wouldn't get all bend out of shape, if I were you. He may look at other girls, but he's got you, right? He comes home to you everyday, doesn't he? It's not like he's cheating on you-- give him a break. Hell, you probably look at guys, but not in the way that he looks at other chics. I don't know him & I don't know you, but I have been in this same situation. I'm not saying that you don't trust your SO, but if you can't trust him, how will you ever trust him? And what good is a relationship without trust? I don't like the fact that he lied to you. That's just wrong. I've had to get the truth out of my man, also, a couple of times. They're just scared that they might hurt you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:07am
That's freaking crazy. Not only did he go to a topless bar when he knew how she felt, but he lied about it. To me that's totally disrespectful. No that doesn't mean he does love her and want her, but yeah, she can be mad. She obviously has other values, and you can't tell someone not to be mad when they have certain beliefs and morals and you have different ones.

I think one thing you are mad about is the lie. I mean, you wouldn't be too happy if he would have just been honest, but at least you wouldn't have to drag the truth out of him and feel even more disrespected right? I would just let him know that although you might get over the topless thing, the fact that he lied is unacceptable and let him know that he needs to earn your trust. You deserve that much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:29am
What are you talking about, girl? My man came out & told me that he went to a tittie bar... I didn't have to get the truth out of him. He told me on his freewill. I am happy that he shared that with me, instead of hiding it. I was talking about something totally different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:33am
See where Shannon and I are coming from? Hun, you have nothing to worry about. My man did it once. He hasn't gone to a tittie bar since. It's just a "guy" thing. So, don't sweat the small stuff. (Shannon... can a sister get an 'amen?' lol u go, girl!)

Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:36am
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the poster. The only thing I said to you is that just because you are ok with your guy going and while it's great he was honest with you, that won't just magically make this girl, who has different beliefs and morals than you, automatically ok with it. Again, I wasn't talking to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:38am
Ok, cool, as long as I got cleared up.

Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:31am
If it was me in this situation I would have serious doubts about marrying a man that lies to me over something that hurts me. A man that is secure in his manhood would have no problem saying "this would hurt the woman I love and I would'nt do that." I was asked to go to a male strip club by a group of women once and I was the only one to refuse because I knew it would make my man uncomfortable and he was top priority in my life. What bothered me was he was laughing as he lied to you. That is truely insulting and demeaning. You had best decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that does not respect your feelings. I do not accept a man that is not honest or that does not hold the same core beliefs.
Avatar for mexigurl10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:34am
Okay.. Here is an Update..

First and foremost I would like to thank Shannon and hightek for the "realistic" advice I got.. and for the others who talked about my morals vs. his morals.. I think that doesn't come into play in this situation because he explained what really happened and and it had nothing to do with morals..

He picked me up to go over his mom's house.. and keep in mind it was his birthday.. so I didn't really want to get into it at first.. but he insisted on talking about it because as soon as I got into the car I started tearing.. He stated that he knows he hurt me and that what happened was totally at the last moment.. him and his friend had been drinking since earlier that day and on their way home saw a topless bar.. his friend INSISTED on taking him there for his b-day ( his friend is single- no thoughts about how this would affect me) my guy said at first he thought I was going to get mad.. but didn't really say no because like someone had posted, he really didn't want to say " my fiance won't let me".. After that he said there was no interaction with the girls all they did was drink..

He also said that the reason he tried to hide it at first was that he already knew I was going to be pissed..and since this was the first time, he didn't know how to tell me..

He did say that he knows he lost my trust and that he would do anything to gain it back, he said he will not go to these places and only went because his friend took him for his birthday, He also told me that what he did could have broken us up because it mattered to me too much .. I believed him because this IS first time.. and as shannon and hightek stated.. he is a guy and human to make a mistake..

I have my values and morals yes. But I also understand and have to be "realistic" about the situation.. He comes home to me.. loves me.. and does everything for me.. I can't blame him for making a decision that wasn't totally on him.. Yes he could have said no.. but I can picture him with his friend under the pressure.

Thanks for everything gals .. this really helped me..


Dora <br> Rolando 6/16/06 .. born at 41 weeks<br> Ruben 12/4/08 .. born at 29 weeks

Pages