My Guy went to a Topless Bar
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| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 11:33am |
Details before I start the story-- To my knowledge and what Fiance tells me he has never been to a strip club or topless bar since I have been with him..He knows that I don't like that..and he also respects me by not buying magazines that contain women naked..Its just something I have asked him to do and he has obliged.
Now let me explain the situation..
Today is his birthday.. so yesterday his friend took him to a University Football game and then took him out to eat.. they were together all day, he called and said they were on their way home.. (game was like 1 hour away) --later I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer his phone.. Later he called and left a message stating that the bar he went to wouldn't let his camera phone in.. Immediately after I heard that I knew that the only bars that don't allow camera phones in are the topless bars.. I was enraged and angry about it. I call him back and ask him what bar did he go to .. He was like " I don't know the name of it" and tryed to changed the subject.. (all the while I could hear his man whore of a friend laughing in the background) I was like.. tell me the truth.. did you go to a topless bar? he was like " what are you talking about .. of course not".. (friend still laughing) .. then my fiance starting laughing as well and I hanged up on him.. I started crying because I knew that they had went and he was lying to me.. About 30 minutes later.. my fiance calls to let me know he was home and calmly tells me that he had a nice buzz and that he was ready for bed... and that he wanted to talk to me face to face in the morning about this situation.. of course I wasn't going to let it go and demanded to know the truth.. so after picking and picking.. he finally admitted that on their way home, his friend wanted to stop at this topless bar to celebrate his b-day..
He said he only stayed 2 hours "because of me".. and that they could have stayed longer but didn't because he thought about me. ( PURE BS! ) He also stated that he didn't know whether to tell me the truth or hide it because he knew I didn't approve of that.. but also defended it by saying that topless bars are nothing to get mad about..
My issue- I never liked any of my boyfriends to go to these places let alone my now fiance.. I also respect his feelings about everything and often hold back on going out to certain places with my friends ( ex- he doesn't like salsa dancing but i do and often get invited by friends to go).. Yet all the things I have talked to him about.. that I don't like or approve of like topless bars, strip clubs and the like.. he doesn't acknowledge.
This is the first time he has done this and he does say that he messed up but still defends himself..
I am very confident about myself.. my body.. my image.. I get hit on alot by all types of men.. but when the one person I love.. goes to a topless bar.. and see's these women dancing topless.. this hurts me.. and makes me wonder if I am enough.. Does anybody feel like this? I mean I know he doesn't go.. but he also could have said no to his friend if he knew I wasn't going to like it.. I don't know.. can you guys help me deal with this... I need to know what you ladies feel about your guys going to these places.. and how would you deal with my situation..
Thanks..

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But he is telling you loud and clear that his values don't match yours, that the two of you are incompatible in the area of what you both feel is appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
He did what he wanted to do, period. He lied to you about it because he knew already knew you wouldn't approve of his choice to go. He knew how you felt and chose to go anyway, because he wanted to.
Seriously question if this man values the same things you do.
Carrie
*Shannon*
I wouldn't get all bend out of shape, if I were you. He may look at other girls, but he's got you, right? He comes home to you everyday, doesn't he? It's not like he's cheating on you-- give him a break. Hell, you probably look at guys, but not in the way that he looks at other chics. I don't know him & I don't know you, but I have been in this same situation. I'm not saying that you don't trust your SO, but if you can't trust him, how will you ever trust him? And what good is a relationship without trust? I don't like the fact that he lied to you. That's just wrong. I've had to get the truth out of my man, also, a couple of times. They're just scared that they might hurt you.
I think one thing you are mad about is the lie. I mean, you wouldn't be too happy if he would have just been honest, but at least you wouldn't have to drag the truth out of him and feel even more disrespected right? I would just let him know that although you might get over the topless thing, the fact that he lied is unacceptable and let him know that he needs to earn your trust. You deserve that much.
Peace.
Peace.
First and foremost I would like to thank Shannon and hightek for the "realistic" advice I got.. and for the others who talked about my morals vs. his morals.. I think that doesn't come into play in this situation because he explained what really happened and and it had nothing to do with morals..
He picked me up to go over his mom's house.. and keep in mind it was his birthday.. so I didn't really want to get into it at first.. but he insisted on talking about it because as soon as I got into the car I started tearing.. He stated that he knows he hurt me and that what happened was totally at the last moment.. him and his friend had been drinking since earlier that day and on their way home saw a topless bar.. his friend INSISTED on taking him there for his b-day ( his friend is single- no thoughts about how this would affect me) my guy said at first he thought I was going to get mad.. but didn't really say no because like someone had posted, he really didn't want to say " my fiance won't let me".. After that he said there was no interaction with the girls all they did was drink..
He also said that the reason he tried to hide it at first was that he already knew I was going to be pissed..and since this was the first time, he didn't know how to tell me..
He did say that he knows he lost my trust and that he would do anything to gain it back, he said he will not go to these places and only went because his friend took him for his birthday, He also told me that what he did could have broken us up because it mattered to me too much .. I believed him because this IS first time.. and as shannon and hightek stated.. he is a guy and human to make a mistake..
I have my values and morals yes. But I also understand and have to be "realistic" about the situation.. He comes home to me.. loves me.. and does everything for me.. I can't blame him for making a decision that wasn't totally on him.. Yes he could have said no.. but I can picture him with his friend under the pressure.
Thanks for everything gals .. this really helped me..
Dora <br> Rolando 6/16/06 .. born at 41 weeks<br> Ruben 12/4/08 .. born at 29 weeks
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