My heart is breaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
My heart is breaking
6
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:19am
My husband and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary on the 2nd of September and let me just say that the past 15 years have been anything but easy for us. We had the normal issues early in our marriage (i.e. trying to get used to sharing your private space everyday, all day, with someone you thought you knew inside and out only to find out you've married the leader from some far away planet and he doesnt even speak the same language as you do :) ) We managed to survive all that and we were beginning to communicate pretty well. Then in November of 1993, while on my way home from work one night, I hit a patch of black ice and myself and our two children (a daughter then 3 and a son just 16 months) went off a 70 foot embankment, flipped 3 and a half times and ended up upside down in a river. I somehow got out of the car with a just a broken shoulder and 2 herniated discs in my back, our daughter was after an hour under the water (somehow an air pocket was trapped in the car when it filled up with water and she was able to get up in it) rescued by the fire department and paramedics that arrived on scene, but our son lost his little life that night and his body would not be found until 2 days after 2 and a half miles downstream. I thought we were getting through all of that okay considering, until this past December 2003 when we learned of our 2 older girls (we now have 3, the oldest (mentioned earlier) will soon be 14, the middle 9 and our baby 6)were sexually molested by a supposed friend of ours. My husband had just began to deal with the death of our son, why 10 years later is beyond me, all I know is we all have our own way of dealing with tradegy... but as you can imagine this coupled with the new information concerning his little girls was all that he could handle. (And momma to... I had, up to this point, been the "rock" in the family so to speak and I so needed a turn to lean). I love my husband very much and can't imagine a day without him in it, but I fear that day is drawing nearer and nearer and I am powerless to stop it. Seems we argue all the time now, or should I say he argues... Don't get me wrong I'm not some self-righteous b@!ch that thinks she is right and everyone else is wrong, Lord knows I've caused my fair share of arguments and certainly have started a few as well. What I am talking about now is far different. He seems to thrive off of a conflict between the two of us, and seems to look for things to be ticked at me about. I dont have to do a thing anymore and he is all over me. What's worse is I will leave the room to avoid the confrontation, and he will follow me!! And of corse he never starts them, and is never wrong. When things cool down later and we can talk civilly I ask him why he does that and he gets so defensive it dang near starts another argument! His favorite response is: "You have no idea what I'm faced with and what I'm dealing with every day. If you would just.." oh let me finish it as I hear it....see it my way we'd have no problems. We need serious help any suggestions? He will not go to counseling he says that they are all out to just take peoples money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:38am

My heart goes out to you......


Never having to endure this pain myself, i would be fake to sit here and even attempt to say I can even fathom going thru all you and your family has went through....I will say that you have tons of support here.


Have you and your husband ever considered counseling? You both have endured tremedous grief, something no one in their right mind would be able to go through alone. Take one day at a time and have faith that you will get through this.


Best wishes to you and yours,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:49am
pam

I am really feeling for you...the worst thing is that he won't consider counseling, but I think you should go alone then, because I really think you need some help.

You have both been through some pretty tough issues, a lot more than most couples have to deal with. The everyday stuff of a normal marriage is enough to have to deal with but your stuff sounds pretty torturous. Sometimes God sends people into our lives to force us to dig deep for compassion and love and understanding. I believe your husband is in a lot of pain and somehow he thinks you can fix it. I believe you are also in a of pain and if you two can get on the same page perhaps you could work through this stuff together. You both are still reeling from the terrible accident and although there is no way to ever "get over" such a tragedy there are ways of dealing with it that can ease the pain somewhat. Maybe if he sees that counselling for you has helped and you show him that because of it you have become more loving and compassionate toward him then he may eventually go with you and get the help he needs. You are going to have to be the strong one here and it sounds like you have already taken on that role a long time ago. Please I urge you to get outside help ....you are both dealing with way too much pain.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:56am
You all have been through alot. Sorry about your son and your daughters. Your husband just has a different way of dealing with things than you do. I think you all should go to counseling together. I think that would really help alot. I hope your daughters are getting counseling anyway because of what happend to them. I hope whoever did this burns in hell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:02am
Thank you so much for your sweet and sincere letter. I've been so busy trying to hold everything together that I really hadnt realized the pain I am still in. In fact when I read your email I started crying, I guess just to have someone validate my feelings was enough to open that gate. I am dealing with our sons death, and have been for the past 10+ years, but I havent ventured into the realm of dealing with what has happened to my girls. I was also sexually violated at the age of 7 and this has brought up so much anger with that. I know I need to get outside help and have taken a few steps in getting the girls and I into group therapy as well. Im trying really hard to be strong and yet when I think of our future I cannot even picture my husband and I together, and ultimately being very miserable because we love each other very much, but I sense something bad is going to happen and it scares me so. At any rate I cannot tell you how much your kindness has meant to me. Thank you again. Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:56pm
Pam,

I am glad you read my post and were able to connect. You must address your own pain right now because you seem to placing your energy on your failing marriage and trying to hold it together ...If you don't see you and your husband together in the future then that will be what happens. Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote a book called "You Will Believe it When You See It". The power of intention and how you visualize your future is ultimately what you will get. If you truly want to stay together with your husband and keep your family intact then you have to start focusing on that picture and how that looks to you.

Counselling is a must...whether you go it alone, with your girls or as a family, you really need to get some help. In your case and with all the stuff you have endured I believe that healing is going to be a on going journey. You will eventually get to a place and be able to look back and say Wow I made it thru another crisis! But you have to make a committment to holding up, staying strong and lots of prayer.

Don't give up on your husband, he probably needs you more than both of you realize. You can guide him into calm waters very gently but right now you have some stormy seas to navigate. I know it is hard to be strong for someone else when you are in so much pain yourself, but hang in there ....one day at a time and if you can't do that ...then one moment at a time. I will keep you in my prayers and please let me know how you are holding up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:09pm
Pam

I'm at a loss for words, my heart goes out to you!!! I read your post and I found myself in tears. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. And your husband, he sounds so angry at the world right now and lashing out at the person closest to him, you. That is alot for one person to handle.

I'm going to venture to say that maybe your husband feels that he should have been there to protect his little girls. That maybe he feels he failed them in someway and all these feelings are tiggering the feelings he supressed when you lost your little boy.

I am not real familiar with this type of situation, but I know in my family daddy was the protector and even at 36 he is still my protector. I think my Dad feels its his duty as a father.

I agree with the advice that you should seek counseling on your own, away from the support groups, a one on one. You do need to take time to heal also. It takes a special person to be able to be "the rock" and You have made it this far, keep fighting, please don't faith and hope.

I will have you and your family in my prayers.

Pam