my husban has changed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
my husban has changed
9
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:26am
wehn my husband and i were dating everyting was great, he listened to me and even though we fought we never screamed at each other. well since we have been married he has changed. i talk to my mom a lot like two times a day because she is having a hard time with me being away and he hates that. he tells me that my family should stop calling so much becuse i have a new life now. even though i know my mom calls too much it doesnt bother me and i think that it should not bother him. also he snaps at me all the time. he yells at me then gets even angrier when i yell back at him. i feel like i am walking on eggshells just not to make him mad. i dont know what to do. i am a full time student and i work full time so i am exhhasted most of the time, but he doesnt see what i do as work. since i work from home he dissmisses it. we open a business and since i do not write a paycheck to myslef he sees himself as the only one who brings in the money. and this is driving me nuts because i am working my but off. help what should i do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:44am
Oh. This doesn't sound good. Your husband shouldn't have a problem with your mother calling - why does he get upset about it? Is it cutting into time he feels you should be spending with him? In any event, it sounds like nasty and controlling behavior.

How long did you date before you got married? Is it possible you just didn't know him well enough and now you are seeing the 'real' him and you don't like what you see?

I would tell him that you are not happy with the direction your relationship is going in and if he would like to continue being married to you then you require him to go to marriage counselling with you - like now.

If he will not do that, then that is a fairly good indicator of the level of commitment that he has towards you and your marriage. It's quite possible that you've married a man that will only be happy as long as everything is going his way and things are done the way HE likes, etc. If this is the case, I wouldn't bother trying to fix this - you'll just be banging your head against the wall. If this is, indeed the case, I'd cut your losses and go home to your Mom.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:47am
we dated for about a year and a half and we had been friends for 6 years before we started dating. i dont understand why he does not like when my mother calls becuse it is not like she tries to get into our busiess or anything. he jsut does not like the attachment i have to her because he could go somewhere for two months and his mother would not call him, i guess it is just how he was raised.

cluless
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:02pm
If he thinks he can marry a woman and not her family too (to a certain degree) then he is sadly mistaken. Tell him that you don't seek to change him and he owes you the same respect. Your mother is not hurting him in any way by calling.

I would advise caution also. This DOES sound like the precursor for some unheathly controlling behavior. If you see any other warning signs, get help ASAP.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:05pm
By the sounds of your post your husband and marriage are #4 on your list of priorities. After your schooling, home-based business and 14 calls per week with your mom, no doubt any time you have available for your husband you are exhausted.

Can you juggle your schedule a little bit so that your husband gets some of your time when you are not exhausted? Or do you just expect him to be understanding and accepting that you are unable to give equally to this marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:24pm
i understand that from my post it would seem that he is #4 on my list, but he is not. we both work same hours and i dont talk anymore to my mom than he does with his friends. i talk to my mom each day 10 minutes tops, and it does not take away from the time that i spend with my husband. but in response to your question do i expect him to unerstand, yes i do becuase if i can live with his parents at least i can be able to talk to mine for a few minutes.

cluless

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:34pm
Thanks for the clarification. Do you accept that in a marriage his needs are of equal value and importance to your needs? Are you able to understand that he wants some of your time when you are not exhausted? Are you willing to compromise some of your needs so that as a married couple you can have some quality time together?

Quite frankly I have a hard time believing that if your mom calls you twice a day that you are spending only 10 minutes a day on the phone with her. Not a lot is said in a 5 minute conversation unless it is a simple "check-in" call.

Also, are you saying that you are currently living with his parents? If so, then this may be a good time to look at what options you have for you to live in your own home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:57pm
on my part i believe that the marriage should be equal, and am willig to compromise. on his part he believes that i should compromise. i would love to move out to my own home and start my own family, while he does nto want to. i feel that since we are paying all the bills anyways i should be able to feel comfortable in my own home.

i live 1100 miles away from my mother and i havent seen her in 4 months and if he really thinks that she comes before him he needs to think it through. i moved to be with him leaving my friends and faimily. just posting here made me realize that i contribute a lot more to this marriage than him. he expects me to give up my family for his and it isnt going to happen. again i am willing to compromise as long as i am not the only one doing the compromising.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:12pm
It absolutely takes both parties contributing and compromising for a successful marriage. Both partner's wants & needs are equal as long as they are fair and reasonable. I highly doubt he expects you to give up your family. I do think he wants quality time with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:00pm
Have you consider marriage counseling - it would be a great place to sort through all the issues, hopefully without attacking each other - address the issues - working from home, attachment to family, etc.

I think I'm hearing that you both have different ideas of what your new family unit is suppose to be, how it functions and how others fit into your relationship.

He may feel unappreciated that he is working outside the home and overlooking the fact that you are working too. He may be jealous (and/or hurt) that you are so close to your family while he knows he's mom wouldn't call him as much if he were to move away.

Counseling could help.


Carrie