my husband doesn't
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my husband doesn't
| Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:59pm |
I have been married for 15 years and after the first few months of the marriage my husband stopped doing anything with me. We never go anywhere,for him(though we have plenty of money)it is always he doesnt want to waste his money.After we were married for only a few months I ask him ,Why he never takes me anywhere? His reply was,Why should I,I am married to you now I dont need to date you anymore.For years I have thought of leaving him but haven't because I have a handicapped daughter and at times it is hard for me to work. When it comes to spending on him he seems to have plenty of money,the only diamond he ever bought me he bought 3 years ago from a PAWN SHOP and lied Told ME IT WAS NEW! Ok so I couldn't see the scratches on it! As far as the children go he has little to nothing to do with them. He doesn't want to be bothered and he's busy. When I talk to him about it,his reply I am like I am and will never change.I guess I really know what I need to do because I am so unhappy. I try to dress real nice and if I put on a sexy dress it's your not a teenager so why do you dress that way. Is there any other with a husband like this or have had a husband like this? He is an only child and always got what he wants.He hardly speaks to anyone in the house maybe a total of 30 minutes a week to me.He has made me to be a very lonely person,even though I have kids it's just not the same

From his description in your post, Pianoguy's 1st impression of your husband was that he was acting like an old f--t! But when you brought up the fact that he's 'an only child' and was probably either pampered...or restricted...everything became clear.
Your husband is treating you and the children...based on the atmosphere and parents he grew up with! Your husband might also resent the fact that he's the only member of the family holding a job...and that nearly all of his income is accounted for? Then again, he might be a graduate of TIGHTWAD UNIVERSITY? Here's an idea...
Do you think he'd be happier ALONE...without YOU and THE CHILDREN...for a month? Is there a friend or family member who would be willing to take you in? It's obvious that you need some sort of "happy atmosphere" that isn't present right now!
If your husband 'got his wish' and lived his life without his family...how long do you think he'd survive? The real question is....COULD YOU?
Pianoguy
Her man does their finances and is always saying that they have no money to go out and get a babysitter but then he buys expensive gadgets for his computer or camera.
The thing is that she works, too, and should have a say as to how the money is spent. Even if you are a housewife, you should have some say as to how the money for the family is spent, too.
Also my friend's husband is an only child. He expects his wife to do all the work of the house -- even though she works full time just like he does. He won't give the kids baths and won't clean up. The only time he lifts a finger, she says is if he is tired of her nagging.
So, I told my friend to suggest counseling since she had tried talking to him, but he basically told her that everything is fine and if she has a problem then she needs to work on it. Well, he refused counseling. I told her to tell him read some relationship books, such as the "the 5 languages of love" and the "men are from mars" series, but he refuses to read a book.
The one thing about her husband is that he is on depression medication and has been since they met. He has had emotional breakdowns before. He has never been violent towards her, but he has hurt himself. He gets medicine from his doctor, but he doesn't actually sit down with counselor on his own to work his issues. ( I don't know if your husband also has emotional problems or takes medication)
So, my friend has finally realized that there is nothing she can do. She met with a preacher from her church because she couldn't afford a real counselor and discussed with him her options. She realizes that her husband was always lazy and selfish, but she didn't really see it until the kids were born and then all the chores were placed upon her and he refused to give her anything she needed or wanted in terms of materials or emotions.
It sounds like your husband is the same way -- has he been this way since you got married? it sounds like it.
If he has been this way the whole 15 years and he refuses to go to counseling and refuses to read a book or anything then you have to take a stand.
This is what my friend is doing:
she got her own bank account, has the bank account statements sent to her mom's house. She has her paychecks deposited into it. She told her husband and of course he was mad, but she said she will pay her share of the bills - so they split up the bills.
She is working as much as possible and saving as much as she can. She didn't believe that her parents would help her out, but they agreed to so in a couple of months she is moving out, but she hasn't actually come out and told her husband that, but he has started to ask her things like "are you going leave me?" and things like that, and he will be nice for a day and then turn around and go back to his old behavior...(perhaps your husband would change or be willing to go to counseling if he realizes he is in danger of losing you) I know it may be scary but it is the best thing for the kids. It is better for the parents to separate than for them to live in a household where the mom is depressed and sad and the dad is controlling and there is fighting.
You may think you can't do it but there is a lot of assistance out there including with daycare. If you make so much, you can get daycare for reduced cost.
Also you would get child support and you could also probably get alimony since you have been married for so long.
I usually don't recommend divorce to someone but honestly what can you do if he won't change, if he won't work with you?
should you really live your life unhappy?