my husband doesnt beleive in marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
my husband doesnt beleive in marriage
8
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:32am
me and my husband have been together a total of 6 years and have been married for almost 1 year. we broke up after 3 years of dateing because i wanted marriage and he didnt. well he came back to me and proposed and we bought a house and got married, and now all of a sudden he says he doesnt want to be married anymore but still wants to be with me and he loves me but he feels uncomfortable being in a marriage because he says he doesnt believe you have to be married to be committed to someone. i dont know if i should give everything up ive worked so hard for or just stay together and not be married knowing my dream was to always be married. can anyone help me!!???
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:41am

<>

I don't get that. That might explain a reason to NEVER get married, but now that he IS married, what's his reason for wanting out? It seems that if he's going to be committed anyway, what's the point in going through a divorce?

The thing is, it's NOT just a piece of paper. It represents a larger committment. If it WAS just a piece of paper, it wouldn't create so much discomfort in him.

I think there's more to this than he's saying. Why does he no longer want the stronger committment of marriage?

And for the record, I also want to be married. It's important to me because it has both social and religious implications for me. Is someone else wrong if they DON'T want to be married? No. But that someone else is not for me.

If my bf decides he does NOT want to get married (as we've discussed and are planning to in the near future), it's a deal breaker. If he is unable to make that larger committment, he's not as committed as I am, and therefore I'd rethink the entire relationship. Furthermore, if he wants to divorce AFTER we're married, chances are he'd never see me again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:45pm

I'd be suspicious if I was you. What is really bothering him? My husband went through a period where he suddenly said he didn't believe in marriange anymore, and I ended up finding out he was having an affair. We've been through lots of marriage counseling and talking and are still together working things out, but I would be hesitant to trust the surface idea of "I don't believe in marriage." I'm not saying your husband is definitely having an affair or anything, but my experience, and that of others that I have talked to, is that admitting an affair is the absolute last thing a man will do (I actually had to show him evidence I pieced together using cell phone records, etc. before he caved.)

Best of luck. Be cautious and take care of YOURSELF first and foremost!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:29pm
This seems very strange. I wonder if there is more that he is not telling you. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling and discuss this there?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 3:17pm

You do not have to go along with this strange request. If you wish to be married and you believe in marriage, then you have every right to have a marriage partner in this life. There is a certain stability and committment involved in marriage that your husband is running away from. Let him run if has to, but you don't have to run with him. Let him know that you want to be married and do not want to live in a casual way. (If he is running now, how will he behave later on when you are older? Can you really trust him to stay for the long run? And what about children?).


He doesn't sound like someone who you can rely upon. If you just continue with him without being married, you will be wasting valuable time and emotion without getting what you truly want. He just wants his cake and also to eat it. He wants the comfort of having you there, but knowing he is not truly tied to you.


Stand up for yourself. Respect yourself and what is important to you. Get yourself good people around you to support and guide you. Don't get pulled into something that won't give you what you truly want and need.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 5:44pm
He's flat out lying. What he really wants is a divorce. He's hoping you'll be tricked into signing anything he puts in front of you without fighting if you believe his explanation. He has no intention of staying together. Once you've lost what should be yours legally, then he'll be gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 6:33pm

I am confused too.

My view is that there is a reason why he doesn't want to be married and it is probably a selfish and immature one. He might feel like he lost his own identity by being married. My advice is, if your dream is to be in a comitted realtionship then you should be in one. If he is not mature enough to give a marriage commitment when you already went through the motions then he probably will never be there for you.

I would first figure out exactly what is going on in his head and what his fear of being called Mr & Mrs is all about then you can make a decision based on his response. Communication is always the first step.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:46pm
I think backing out on your marriage contract says a lot. He wants to be free to do what he likes. I think it's insulting to ask your wife for a divorce and then still want to be together. That's really a case of having your cake and eating it, too. This sounds very controlling to me. If I were you I'd think this over and think about if you really want this guy or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:30pm

>>If it WAS just a piece of paper, it wouldn't create so much discomfort in him.<<

I think this is a great observation.

For the record, I don't believe in marriage either. My 'DH' and I have actually been living defacto for the past 14 years (laws and attitudes regarding defacto living are different here in Australia)

However, if my partner really wanted to get married, I would do it. As you say, if it's just a piece of paper, it really won't make any difference. However, I would also make sure my prospective partner understood my feelings on the matter *before* we married so that they could make the right decision for themselves.

This whole situation seems a bit too weird to me. Wanting a divorce but staying together is just bizarre.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace