Is my husband faithful?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Is my husband faithful?
4
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 2:57am
My husband is in the military and goes away several times a year for a week to a month at a time. In the past few months, I've found things that are distrubing. 1st, I went to answer his cell phone once and missed the call, so I viewed the missed call and found that there were actually two missed calls. The 1st missed call showed up with the name of Kristina. I confronted him about my discovery when he returned and he told me that she is a girl that works in one of the buildings he frequestly works at when he is away. And also states that she is his counterpart in that building - and that I could ask a friend of ours about her. I did and this person validated his story. The 2nd thing that happened was that after his return from a trip, I was messing around on his computer and found a file with a girls phone numbers in it. I confronted him about that and he indicated that she was someone he'd met in a bar through some of the poeple he knows/works with down there (in another state). He told me that he never intended to call her (but my thought was, why would he take the time to save her numbers - I'm sure he didn't take his laptop into the bar/club with him!). After the next cell invoice came in, I was looking at it and found the number of that girl on there several times. I asked him what the heck that was all about and he couldn't remember telling me that he never inteded to call her. The whole while when I bring these things up he tells me all the things I want to here - he'd never do anything to jeapordize our relationship, we mean to much to him, me and the kids are his life... Lastly, because of my previous findings, I get pretty snoopy and am looking around on our home PC and find a whole bunch of emails from yet another female. Some of the content is very inappropriate and they were even making arrangements to meet up next time he was in her area. Again I confronted him about this and he told me that she was just a friend going through a rough time. Do I believe him? What do I need to ask him? Right now he is again away for two weeks... Should I/Can I trust him? I feel so lost and don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 12:59pm
I think you already know the answer to your question.

Anyone can see that he is not faithful and you know it too, but sometimes we want to live in denial instead of seeing what is actually going on.

Try thinking about it as if a friend came to you and said:

"my husband said he got a girl's # from a bar, told me he never intended on calling her, but then I got the cell bill, and he has called her several times.

He also writes and receives inappropriate emails from a woman and was setting up a time to meet with her, but he told me that she is just a friend going thru a hard time."

Sounds kind of unbelieveable doesn't it?

You need to sit him down and tell him (again if you have already) about the cell phone bill and about the emails. You need to tell him you know about the cheating..He will tell you what you want to hear because he isn't going to want to go thru a big fight, he isn't going to want to have to get a divorce and pay you child support. He will say whatever he can to keep you in the dark about these affairs. Anything he tells you, if you don't believe it, it is probably a lie. Your gut instinct is almost always right. Plus ask yourself what you would say to a friend in your situation.

YOU have to decide if you will stay or leave... If you do stay you both need marriage counseling. Hopefully he will confess and you 2 can work on whatever issues together.

There are alot of books on amazon.com about how to deal with a cheating spouse. You should get a few and read them.

But please don't sit silently, not only because it's just plain wrong for him to do this to you, but he is risking his life and yours by sleeping around. There are lots of people out there with diseases and they don't even know it. I hope he is using protection but I read a study where actually people who are cheating are LESS likely to use protection so please get tested for std's as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:43pm
When I confronted him about these instances, he told me that he did not realize he was overstepping any boundries and that now that he knows where the boundries are, he will not make the same mistake. And I'm watching. I'm just looking for something to come up. So far, nothing. No more calls on the cell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:05am
That's bull. He knew exactally what he was doing. the fact that there were instanceS that you had to confront him about says it all. He is completely disrespecting you and using the "well I didn know it was wrawng hunny" line on you. You deserve respect, so demand it.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 11:58am

1) these are not things a married man does. he is being unfaithful and getting away with it by saying they are freinds. a married man does not obtain a number from "some girl" in a bar... come home after drinking... then make an effort to open a new file and save her information in it on his computer.


2) he LIED to you about calling her. clue number one honey! if he has to LIE to you about it... he's doing something he shouldnt and KNOWS it.


3) Now he is making plans to meet another woman next time he's traveling? HOW convenient that all his "female FRIENDS" happen to be in other cities and states. how CONVENIENT is it that you dont know or have met ONE of them.


4) you are ALLOWING him to continue doing this by accepting his 'explainations' and excuses. But each time he gets away with it you immediately find something else. gee. what a coincidence. He is hiding it and lying about it bc he knows its wrong, but at the same time he isnt being TOO careful bc he knows he'll get away with it.


5) he tells you what you want to hear because it works. he probably DOES love you and cherishes you- bc you are a solid stone that will never move and ALWAYS be there for him, but as long as you allow him to have his cake and eat 10 others' too, HE WILL. and making that decision means he doesnt really have alot of respect for you.


6) i strongly urge you talk to him and say "look. I'm not going to be a blind idiot anymore. I know exactly what is going on, i know what you're doing and if you deny it ONE MORE TIME i will rip your d*** off. Do NOT mess with me... i am TIRED of listening to your stupid lies bc frankly i feel sorry for you when i watch you lie because you look like a pathetic lost dog begging for a home. I dont care whether or not you have just flirted, gone on a date, or "just had oral" or it was only a kiss or it was only one time... i dont care the fact is you are being unfaithful to me and you are breaking the promises you made for this marraige"


7) when you are done ripping him a new one, he'll be a little surprised by you. He'll try and turn it around on you for overreacting, being too jealous or seeing something that isnt there, therefore you are paranoid and 'need help'. so BEFORE he goes on those tangents, tell him AHEAD OF TIME that you know he's going to try and pull those tricks. therefore he feels stupid when he tries. Tell him,"look, you'll get your chance to chime in here... but be warned that i already know what you're gonna try and say..." and then tell him specifically you know he'll turn this around on you... claim you're jealous or insecure and need help and you know he'll say theyre just freinds, coworkers bla bla bla.... so if thats the case dont waste his breath and start packing.


8) he will probably shake his head at you in "disbelief" of your outburst and walk away in attempts to manipulate the situation hoping that makes you REGRET what you just did and feel bad and come running back to him.


9) Dont.


10) when things cool down... no matter what he says... suggest marital counseling ASAP. if he disagrees, tell him its over and leave. dont look back.


you deserve so much better than that. it could be that he has been flirting, out looking and walking the thin line yet hasnt exactly crossed that line yet. maybe he likes the attention. whatever.


he obviously lied to you and does this in OTHER states. wow. he catches some lucky breaks huh?


ask him why he'd never get a girl "freinds" number at a bar with YOU there... why doesnt he talk to these girls around YOU if theyre just freinds...if he had a girl "freind" in trouble and need and he was going to plan on meeting her... why didnt he tell you? whenever my DH has a freind in trouble or things or going bad... he talks to me about it.


he's shady. dont fall for it.