my husband is not in love with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
my husband is not in love with me
4
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:58pm
My husband and I have been married for about 5 years. We met in college, after a year, we were apart because I went back to Hong Kong (where I come from). For 3 years, we kept our relationship long distance, seeing each other twice a year. We got married in 98 during our visit in Vegas, but I left and went back right after. Finally, I moved back to the US in 99 to have our life together. Things were a little rough at first, but we knew that we had changed. 5 years has passed, until recently, my husband told me he has not been feeling the romance and passion for me, he loves and cares about me, but "NOT IN LOVE" with me after all these years. He never told me about this because he doesn't want to hurt me and hope it would go away. But it didn't, he finally feels that he is like living in a lie. Of course, I am hurt and shocked. We talked and cried, we don't want to give up our relationship. We need to work things out. But HOW? Should we go see a counselor? HELP!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:11pm
Yes, counseling can help.

Also try one of these books:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr


The first one has tests to identify what things you need and want in a relationship. It also has intimacy (emotional) building exercises that can bring you closer together. Which in turn helps people fall in love again.

The second one talks about some of the same things as the first one... and talks about how doing nice things for each other without expectation can bring people together again.

Good luck to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 7:42pm
YES! Please see a counselor, and if after a couple of sessions tings don't seem to progress, find another one. My point is that you both know you wan't to fix things, which is a great first step. But then you have to find the best person to help you fix them, and that means finding the counselor who understands what you are going through and is confident he/she can help.

A few years ago my husband and I tried counseling (despite my stubborn refusal to see one) and I have to admit, she saved our marriage. Don't give up, you obviously love one another, and that is enough.

Sex is just a bodily function and you can't build a relationship on it. Work on your friendship instead and the physical attraction will come naturally.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:25am

Many make the mistake of thinking of being "In Love" means being "high", intoxicated, infatuated. When this kind of feeling passes in a relationship, (as it does in almost all), they feel the love has vanished. It has not. Relationships come to teach us the very nature of love itself. Love is not a feeling, which can and does change with every passing moment. Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:12pm
I think that since he said he has lost the passion that you should get a makeover and surprise him, that'll spice things up.

Carrie